Mirror of my dreams

2010-07-14T10:59:00.001-07:00

Redream

Every time I think of X

I realize that there is a Y at its end,

Every moment’s pause there is another letter’s cry,

But the most important would be the last two before the last,

Of which the two letters are tied.

There’s something which we are all a part.

To know that truth,

Takes us pass the edge of our minds,

Where the current dream’s fountain’s dried,

Left with simply essence,

And there is no more letters.

Taking it back into my fragmented soul.

It’s wear I feel the fire that’s lost in my heart,

It’s where I return to dream’s gate,

And reach a point like Faust’s,

Where the devil holds a key,

Of which only if I would tear apart my heart.

And disclose the desires within.

-Redream

For nearly a year, my mind’s fountain of dreams has nearly dried, and finally it has. I’ve had to contend with what questions I would ask as I had reached a wall, and I found myself too caught up with the current, rather than the timeless, endless, precious.

I’ve returned to this place because my mind’s current dream has ended, and it’s from here I will dream a new. I will “redream” To find within myself what I’ve missed out from being too caught up with the current happenings of my life.

For now, let me show the poem’s I’ve written over the past year that means the most to me. This post is not about explaining myself, but disclosing the desires within.

I'd share if you'd be so kind,
I would love a peice of your mind,
Its like this thing we share'd that isn't just mine.

I won't wear my heart on my sleeve,
Because it's not meant to be there,
Its to be shared with care.

I'd share if you'd be so kind,
Because we'd be blind to the fine line,
Without this sharing of mine.
-I'd share if you'd be so kind.

I try to turn this object round and round,
To understand why it means so much to me when I'm down,
Whether it was yesterday,
Or just today.

It caught the light of the sun once upon a time.

I find it unusually hard to hold on to it,
Today,
And maybe even more so tommorow,
Because it reminds me of yesterday.

It's a precious memory.

Of the time where the moment was kind,
Up to then I was blind,
Until I witnessed a beautiful mind,
-The precious memory

In this heavy air,
It seems like almost everything touched,
Would just break,
It feels so cold,
And I find myself sinking.

I've almost got my head below the water.

At that moment where I'm at the edge of sanity,
Where I find myself reaching its event horizon,
It's journey halted by your reaching hand.
Our two hands joined in this journey of opposites,
You push me up.

You push me up so that I might burn bright.
-Push me up

On this bed covered with white petals,
the champagne sparkles in the moonlight,
where the wind carries forth a tune so sweet,
resonating within the lady's heart,
like a tender and gentle beat,
under this blanket of heat,
that is where the two souls meet.
-Two souls

Her words touch me like soft kisses,
in its breath it reflects the beauty of her mind,
to know here is to tread a find line,
between sanity's edge where one could go blind,
her smiles shouldn't be mistaken for being kind,
it is within her dance where the truth shines,
of which her heart rarely beats,
of which the courting brings only fleet,
like the evanescence of a dream,
it is only when one truly reachs,
Then she'd truly greet.
-The mistress of desire and insanity.

I had this friend,
I remember her so sweet in her party dress,
It seemed like just a minute that I turned away,
And she was gone.

Into the shadows of my memory.

We were supposed to be close,
Of the conversations we shared,
The many hours and revelations we had,
Of the promise made to each other.

I wonder what happened to those moments long ago,

It’ just a cold empty floor now,
There’ simply those memories to give refuge,
That she simply left,
Without the justified reason.

This cinderella had gone to sleep.

I think it’s like a curtain call,
Like a sinking ship,
With no breath taking sunset,
Without an ending beset
There’s no showdown.

Nothing at all,
Except a silent disappointment in the shadows.
-When Cinderella goes to sleep.

I'm sitting here crossed legged in this valley,
Where there's a great divide,
Listening to the wind brush past the grass,
Blowing across the dust,
Onto the window's glass.

The hinges have slowly begun to rust.

This isn't a faitytale beggining,
But in the middle there was a serenade,
With my prinicess in her beautiful dress,
Looking at me at the moment of sundown,
The day gives way to the swallowing night.

Thats when the match burns so bright.

She'd reach for my hand,
To pull me up,
And we'd take flight,
Where the two of us would fight with all our might,
And I'd look into her eyes.

And see the magic that is like the midnight sun.
-She's the midnight sun

I find myself looking for that last minute serenade,
Even as the crowd has turned away,
It matters not if this is a sinking ship,
Or a bridge that’s burning.

I still have breath,
I still have tears,
I still have dreams.

Slow it down to the final seconds before midnight,
And tilt your head back,
Look up at the stars shooting by,
And know that the possibilities are endless.
-Last minute serenade

I listen to my body cry,
And I feel the strain of each step,
It's a race down a hill,
Its how fast you can go down from the top.

A world where the reverse breaks the mind apart.

At the bottom you'll find,
A dream that you forgot,
From the time before you made it big,
Or thought you did.

That dream thats forgotten waiting to be found.
Do you have to fall to see the truth of which your blind?

Forget what you see,
What you have,
And free your mind,
To find.
-The lost dreams we've once had

2009-08-26T06:47:00.001-07:00

The light in the dark

In the darkest of dark,
A single ember glows bright,
So much that it can light up an entire face.

In the darkest of the dark, it is appreciated.

In the brightest of light,
A single ember glows out of sight,
So little an effect that it’s not even realized.

In the brightest of light, it goes unnoticed.

The beauty of life is in its contrast,
But how many of us see the true beauty?
Soaked in this bright lights,
Do we even notice the single ember?

Before it dies out.
-The single ember.

In the darkness, a single ember can shine so bright, but in a world full of other lights, that single ember can be unnoticeable, engulfed by the other bright lights. We miss so many things that pass us by, that happen, that glowing ember, which would have meant so much to us if the world was dark, but then for many of us, our world isn’t dark, in fact its very bright, to a person in the darkness, they would feel blinded by everything we have.

Yet to us, this is nothing, it is what is considered usual, and some of us see it as terrible, as darkness, and some take their lives because of it, when a person who lived in darkness would be horrified that someone like us would not want what we have. What is this darkness? What is this light?

The light is the comforts we have, the very chair you sit in as you read this, the computer you use to read this, the music you listen to as it flows out of your speakers as you read this, the fan or the air-conditioning you have, these all brighten our world, so much so that we do not notice them much, we simply take them for what they are, they don’t make us happier, we don’t notice it much, until its gone. Take for instance, a day when the power is cut, do you feel how dark the world becomes? Literally when at night, it does get dark if there aren’t any of these, from the light, to the computer to the very joy of music we have.

Think about it, don’t you live in a world that is very bright indeed? In the past, so many of these things did not exist, and that’s where the beauty of life can be appreciated more, for instance, the glowing warmth and light from an open flame in the darkness, it was something that was greatly appreciated by the people back then. And now? Fire can be a flick of a match, lighter or stove, its something we hardly appreciate, engulfed by the bigger “lights”

In the world we live in, a single ember of light doesn’t make much of a difference to us, but then, that subtle beauty, that simplistic part of life is lost to many of us. I remember the times when I just lied there, facing a camp fire, and then turning upwards and looking up at the stars and listening to the music of the night, the insects, the wind against the leaves, and crackle of the fire.

When was the last time you stopped to appreciate such things? We’re rushing around so much that we miss these things, we are often fixated on the brighter “lights” and the embers around us don’t even move us, don’t even contribute to our satisfaction. People who live in dimmer worlds seem to be more satisfied that us, happier than us, because we are so busy chasing the bigger “lights” we missed out on the others.

The truth is, we don’t truly enjoy what we have, because we never really take in fully, we never realize its affect on us. We rarely have true contrasts in life to experience much of life’s beauty, of what we’ve got, unless we’ve lost it.

You don’t need to lose something to appreciate it, but rather perhaps you can experience life in a different way, by taking it in on a different level, to see the world in another point of view.

Try this one day, take a day away from the rush of life, you’ve got to let go of everything on your mind, switch off that phone, no due work or commitments. Head to a place where there is amazing views, where you can eat and chill, a place which you’ve never been before, walk through the place, close your eyes and listen to the sounds of the place, take it all in, then cover your ears and look at the world around you, and remember each piece of it, take it all in, and see the world in a way you don’t normally see it.

And when the time comes for lunch or dinner, take each moment to take in the smell, let it fill your mind before you eat it, and mind you, eat it slowly so that you’ll enjoy its taste more. It’s like enjoying the rain, where you can’t truly enjoy it till you take your time enjoy each sensation. You’ve got to close your eyes so you can hear the patter of the rain more, cover your ears and you’ll hear the sound of it pattering on your head, and breathe deep so you can smell the rain. At the end of the day, sit down and watch the world again, listen and see the world again, take that moment to enjoy it and remember it.

So when was the last time you appreciated that single ember? Turn of the “lights” and appreciate that ember in a way like you’ve never before.

I close my eyes so I can listen,
I cover my ears so I can see,
If but for a moment remember each part.

To savor the taste of life, of its finest wines.

Reach into the crowd,
Take in each smell,
Feel the warmth of her hand.

And watch her lead you so.

Watching her as her dress flows,
As the light catches against her face,
As her scent intoxicates.

And realize how much she truly glows.
-A day outside

2009-08-12T07:58:00.000-07:00

V for V

We are the opposites of each other,
Yet without the other neither would exist,
We can be defined as good and bad,
Yet one can create the other,
We are the twins of the same mother,
Yet she treats us differently,
We're often spoken of by many,
Yet so few truly embrace us.

Do you embrace us?
Do you shun us?
Do you accept us?
Are we good or bad?
Are you one or both?
-Vice for Virtue, Virtue for Vice

“In a world where the first person to welcome him and become his friend he made an enemy of. It was a time when he was all alone in a place, and he knew no one, and someone reached for and offered his hand and welcome.

And when it all came down to it, the first person he betrayed was the one who wanted to be his friend before anyone else and wanted nothing more than to be his friend.”

I think the world has such wonderful things and bad things at the same time. Things you ask? It’s such a generic word, but don’t you think that sometimes it best to just to describe as a thing when we find it hard to use a word, thing is just there to use. Friendship is a wonderful thing isn’t it? Betrayal is a bad thing right? But the bad thing could not come about without the wonderful thing.

It makes you wonder, does a wonderful thing bring out about a bad thing, or a bad thing brings out a wonderful thing? In a world where there is a tyrant, who committed genocide, where many suffered horrors, in this world where many bad things happen. But then, there are people who do what they can to protect and save those from the bad things, and thus it is a wonderful thing that they do the love and compassion and caring for mankind, for people for those who suffered.

This is where a bad thing brings about a wonderful thing. In case you’re wondering, I’m referring to the holocaust where there were people who did wonderful things to save those who did bad things.

In this world, there are many bad things, and there are wonderful things. But must each create the other? How do we prevent the bad and let in only the good? But then, should we even attempt it? Is bad really bad? What if bad was good? How could we tell?

In nature, death which we often see as a bad thing can bring out life, like a raging fire that destroys a forest and new life springs up from the enriching process of the forest fire. So is this a case of point of view?

Is there no real good or bad? Or what goes with our values? Our alignment? Wouldn’t your alignment affect how you view it? It’s hard to truly define it, but you could say it could be defined by one’s beliefs and values which vary from person to person. It would probably take three articles length of writing if I tried to define the surface value of beliefs and values that affect one’s alignment. Of course, I limit myself to a thousand plus words an article in case anyone ever wondered. But I’ll give it a try.

In order to make this explanation easier, I will use the term good and bad loosely throughout as it would take too much time define each situation, the depiction good and bad is according to my view. Alignment is a moral and ethical perspective along with the religious beliefs of a person. To say that one’s alignment can be simply define by a person’s religion, one would be wrong, because different people from the same religion have different alignments still. You could have what we will define as evil in a religion and what we define as good in the same religion. A man can commit murder in the name of religion, and a man could renounce murder in the name of the religion and yet both believe they do right by their religion because of there morals and ethical perspective is brought into it. A man without religious beliefs however, could be defined by their morals and ethics.

But then this is an assumption where everything else remains constant and the alignment of the person remains the same, the person’s alignment might change in their life, due to events that change them and their strength and resolve can result in the changes or momentary changes of alignment. Where a person who was against murder, for that moment felt that murder was necessary or justified and committed it, or even an alignment can be very wide range, where people change their alignment according to situations, because their morals and ethics and compounded by each other.

An example would be one who is against violence is still more likely to use violence against an adult than a child because they think its wrong to harm a child, or in another case the person is more likely to harm the child because the adult more likely to hurt them in return. This reflects a person with the same value, but two different outcomes, which brings us to the variation of one’s alignment according to situation.

Another example is when people lose their alignment temporarily, is when good people are caught up in a crowd and end up doing something they normally wouldn’t do that’s bad to them, but because their part of the crowd, they end up doing it.

Other examples would be the seven sins that affect a person’s alignment and judgment.
Such as pride, fear, rage, jealousy, greed, lust and laziness.

For me, the sins that affect me the most is: Pride, rage and greed. These are my sins.

I covet power,
For I am greed of Avarice.

I am unrelenting,
For I am pride of Superbia.

I’ll dispense justice,
For I am wrath of Ira.
-The sins of a man

2009-07-21T08:49:00.000-07:00

Fate’s destiny

I hear no sound accept her heart that pounds,
In life’s path that’s unknown,
I feel that my energy’s blown,
But I keep going.

Because of that smile.

There isn’t much of a moment,
Where you’d find a true peace of mind,
You’re your fate’s scribe,
And you’re given set words to choose.

But you still have a choice none the less.

Each time she looks at me,
With those eyes,
And that brightest smile,
I’m reminded of peace I’d never know.

Until I let go.
-The brightest smile

Fate’s a force that we can’t stop, but we can change its course. We’ve all got our fates, but what we decide will shape our fate.

Imagine fate as this energy force that moves in a direction and doesn’t stop, the perception of its pace can be slowed down though, it’s the perception of time, which can go fast when your enjoying yourself, and go slow when your suffering, it’s a force that never stops, and constantly gives you set choices, and that’s where we make our decision on the choice we take.

We’re like scribes to our own fate, the author of it, an author who is limited by fate, yet he can still change its course greatly even with the limitations. Our choices that we make, can reduce our options or increase our options, of course its still limited as we can only do so much at one time, even with infinite resources, we ourselves are not infinite. And that’s the whole beauty of it, because of our limits, our choices are so precious, and thus what we choose really makes it more valuable.

Some people’s fate is harder to change, the force that drives that fate requires much more choices and sometimes harder choices and sacrifices to change its path. To me, destiny is a point along where your fate has traveled, and thus when your reach any point, it’s your destiny. Thus our destiny is still shaped by us, and when you think about the things we do, the people we meet, it’s often shaped by choices we take from the choices given to us.

For example, the friends you know, it is still limited to where you go, who you meet, but you still make the choices on whom you spend your time with, thus your friends are by choice. Some choices are more indirect than others, an example would be when you go a certain class assigned to you by school, it seems like you’ve not been given a choice on which class you go to, who are your classmates will be, but then if you look further, if you did not choose the course you wanted in school, you would not have gone to the classes related to that course.

So in truth, we shape our fate, and determine our destiny directly or indirectly with the choices given to us. For me, I look back at my choices offered to me, and I can understand that the people I meet, the friends I made, the lovers I’ve had, the exchanges I’ve had, the conversations, all of them, I had influenced the choices, and I appreciate the choices I’ve had and the experiences and memories that have come from it, as to me they are precious.

Someone else living my life, may not have had the same path as me, even if they started with the same fate. Fate is like a tree that branches out, it’s interconnected to other branches, and each choice we make branches out into another and another, but of course, some choices can still lead back to the same point, and some make it impossible to reach another point. Think of your choices like parallel worlds, where imagine someone who is you in a parallel making another choice, thus they move of to another path different from yours, it may lead to the same point again or may never cross, it all depends, that’s where the force of fate can be influenced to a certain extent. The only thing we can’t do is go back to another point of our fate and make a new choice, because those choices were already made and fate only moves forward, we can’t go back in time.

The fate we’re given in the start is perhaps the only thing we have no control over, but we shape it after we’re given it. There are things that are not within our ability to shape such as whom our parents are, and older family members are. At the end of the day, we still shouldn’t gripe about what we’re given because we still make choices that shape the path of our fate, whether we succeed, whether we fail, whether we meet the people who will mean a lot to us is still shaped by us, so we shouldn’t gripe about the unchangeable, and start focusing on the changeable with the knowledge that we have the power to shape our destiny.

A quote I love to repeat from the game Baldur’s gate two which is spoken by the villain Jon Irenicus, “Life is strength, you live you affect your world.” So apt, because the life we have gives us the power to shape our world, it allows us to shape our fate, our destiny and every choice is choice, even inaction is still a choice that decides our fate.

That’s why never think that life is out of your control, if you don’t choose, you will never have control, you will never have a chance, you will never use your strength, which you have right now, and you never know how much you have until you choose, what do you want your fate to be? What destiny do you want to achieve? Are you giving yourself a chance?

I remember a story once told to me,
It was over a bottle of red wine,
Atop the hood of her parked car,
Under the starlit sky so bright,
A moment I’d hold on with all my might,
It was just her voice and the night sky.
-Under this night sky

2009-06-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

A game of you

Hold your breath,
Look into my eyes,
And see me smile to one side,
Do you have an apocalyptic wish?

Stand at the very edge of sanity.

Feel the beat from the drums of doom,
The doomsday clock is ticking,
With five minutes to midnight,
You hear yourself breathing so deep.

Grip on tight to my hand as the moments pass.

In the final moments of the tick tock,
I’ll be there to give that added surge,
As I pull you forward,
And let you pass towards the final barrier.

Smash it.
-From this moment on to the end.

What if life was like a series of chess games and the most successful in life are those with the highest rating.

In the world, we are but pieces in a chess game, and each piece plays its own individual chess games with the moves dealt to them.

In chess, the goal of the game is to checkmate the king. Thus in real life, we have to set our goals clearly in order to know what we are working towards and how we can use the resources given to us to achieve it. Also the more one analyzes a move and how it can lead to an advantage or disadvantage, and with experience gained from each analysis, one can become faster at analyzing, as some games have a time limit to think, we may not have the luxury of time on our side to think. Thus, if time was a factor for being unable to think during the game, then post game analysis can help one to see one’s mistakes or right moves. Post game analysis of one’s life would be reflection.

With the games of chess we encounter in life, where our decisions are different stages affect the outcome greatly. From opening, middle game and end game.

In the opening or preparation, our very first actions are crucial in that they can decide whether we lose out the possible advantages, or gain the possible advantages and minimize the risk we put ourselves in. Of course, sometimes the biggest risk can also have the biggest gain, but in life, the opening is usually the most dangerous time to take risks. For example, when we first start a project, the planning and organizing is the opening, and when we plan poorly, we lose the potential that we had, same with good planning can increase the potential gained.

In the middle game, where everything has fallen into place, this is when the main fight begins. Where the exchange of pieces, whether a defense or attack are decisions made that can leave a person in a critical situation where they may be doomed or in the sure-win scenario. Because resources are always limited, how one chooses to use his resource during this part will decide a lot. Continuing with the example of a project, since a project would have a due date, the limited resource would be the amount of time has and manpower and money.

How one exchanges the time, manpower and money to achieve the goals of project is key, if one does not do it well, time will be wasted and the goal of the project may not be achieved by the due date, and thus failure.

Finally the endgame, this is often greatly decided by how well was one’s preparation and actions during the middle game which then place one in the state one is currently in during the endgame. In the endgame, the outcome is almost very clear, but is not yet final, this is when a person is tested most. Because even if one has a clear disadvantage or advantage, one hasn’t reached the checkmate yet, thus each decision in the final moves can decide a lot of things.

In an endgame, sometimes one has a chance to recover and sometimes no chance to recover, but rather prolong the end or even unable end the game, thus knowing when to concede the game or draw the game is important, lest one wastes further time invested in the game.

When one has a chance to recover, if the goal that was set earlier is very important to the person, one should do one’s best to persevere, that way, even in the face of doom and failure, and one can still have a chance to turn the tide, or at least finish it knowing one never gave up.

Unfortunately, not all games we play are fair, some start with obvious advantage or disadvantage towards us, and its up to us either equalize or turn it to our favour or simply dominate the game. That’s why some games are just doomed failures from the start, but if we were strong, sometimes, the opponent which could be different factors in life or people could falter and make mistakes, turning the impossible into possible.

That’s why, sometimes, when you give up, you truly lose, and if you don’t give up, there is always a chance no matter how small it is. Remember, that small is infinitely more than nothing. When you give up, you lose and you have no chance.

That’s why, with all the choices in life fate has dealt to us, we can’t give in to hopelessness even if it may be bleak. The strongest persevere and keep on going, reducing the possible mistakes, and increasing the advantages and putting oneself in a better position to equalize the game and eventually have the superior position.

If you keep on winning the chess games in life, you can achieve a better “rating” And become more successful in life. Being consistent and learning from each game through analysis and reflection, will allow you to become a better player in life.

When the moment seems tough,
With the pressure on your shoulders,
And you feel like your will is just about to break,
Remember that your choices are for you to make.

Each chance needs one to hold on tight.

Even when it seems unreachable,
Where you stretch towards the untouchable,
And with every inch you fought so hard for,
It just might move towards you.

So fight hard with all your might,
Cause I’m right behind you.
-Unbreakable

2009-04-26T07:24:00.000-07:00

Five minutes for redemption

In the center of a room,
Is a lady in the palest white,
From dress to body,
Except her blood red lips.

Her angled expressions like that of precarious geometry,
Her eyes blink slowly as her lips open slowly,
Every part of her movement dissolves into the surrounding,
Moving,
Yet not moving.

In my right hand is my blade,
Dripping with the blood of innocents,
Of the souls I’ve sundered,
Hopes and dreams I’ve plundered.

I lift my head and think about the moment when I swung,
And cut the heart,
Like a coup de grace,
I fall to my knees,
Into her arms,
Her tears of black flow down her dress,
Lines of black all over,
I feel myself lost within.

Drowning in my crucified sanity,
The thirteen within pull me in all directions,
I find myself counting down five minutes to midnight,
Where the gates of damnation call,
Five minutes for redemption.
-Five minutes for redemption

In a world where there is a doomsday clock, where the minutes to midnight change constantly, it’s impossible to truly tell when the clock might strike twelve. Why do we concentrate on a doomsday clock, when we forget the more immediate problem, our own clock, the minutes to our end.

Consider this, we all have our own life clock which countdowns to the moment we meet our end. It’s a counter that we can never see, never know and it also means that we have limited time. Life is not infinite, thus the pursuit of immortality is something that people fantasize about so much, some even spends fortunes to try and find it, but then they forget what they can do with the time they have and they can make a difference in this world.

This is a quote I’ve used many times, “Life is strength, we live and we affect our world.” Our very lives give us power, power to affect our world, with our actions, with the translation of our thoughts into various mediums and machinations that affect those around us and to a certain extent the world. With that limited time we have, our strength is limited, but how we channel our strength, harness that “potential”, our influence over the world, is the biggest question.

For me, I am someone who wants to affect lives on both a large scale where many would benefit, and also to affect those who matter most to me on a profound level where my “strength” matters most. The very knowledge and fact that I have limited strength, makes me want to not waste my strength, my potential.

Our potential can be increased and amplified by how much we prepare ourselves and equip ourselves and work towards achieving the goals we set. Imagine our lives in the form of a multilevel shelf.

The shelf can be filled with any kind of book, but the shelf has a limited space, and when the shelf is full, one has no more time to fill that shelf. When we are first come into existence, in the safety of our mother’s womb, our shelf is empty; devoid is knowledge of the outside world, with no relationships and only the experiences we get from within the womb. And when we come into this world, we are exposed to various things that our family and relatives teach us, and our shelf starts to fill up with the languages they teach us, that we hear, objects we see, touch, taste and smell.

Our initial world till adolescence is controlled by teachers and parents on subjects that we learn and as we get older, we are given more responsibility to choose what we experience. From the relationships we make, the subjects we take, books we read, lessons we participate and observe, skills that we pursue, activities that we do, they begin to fill up our shelf.

With the choices given to us, we can choose to fill our shelves to the brim, until we have no time to fill it up anymore, due to it being too filled up, or we can choose to take our time to find the better “books” and spend more time to know each book we place in our shelf.

If we were to fill up our shelf to the brim, during the times when we need to find a certain book, we may have trouble finding it as there are too many things in that shelf. In real life, it would be that your so involved in different things, you have trouble figuring out which is more important or not being able to understand something due to the lack of time spent reading that “book”

Also, if our shelves are too full, we are unable to find time to look for new books and put better books on the shelf. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t try too many different things. The first book you pickup may not be the best for you, nor will the fifteenth or hundredth. Its ok to try different things, but what you put on the shelf must be something that is worth one’s time, and that person would gain more out of that book in terms of experiences, memories and lessons learnt.

If you spent your time looking at each book carefully, before putting them on the shelf, you would prevent books that aren’t useful, or good for you from being on your shelf. Of course, you can’t be too sure, until enough time is spent, thus if after the initial “browsing” one can put in the shelf, but should make sure that spend the time to return to that book to read it. Neglecting your books would cause it to be covered with dust, and some books don’t handle well to neglect, they may whither, break apart or even gets stolen.

To give you a better outlook of the shelf, the kind of books will broken down into these categories:

Relationships
Skills
Wisdom
Fitness/Health

The first point of relationships covers family, friends, lovers and partners. By filling your shelf with the right people and spending time with them, and understanding them, will allow you in times of need or help to lend a helping hand or give your advice or support.

The second point of skills is the subjects you will learn, from mathematics to science, marital arts to cooking. These various skills in life allow us to achieve tasks in the world, and help us affect our world according to the proficiency we have learnt these skills.

The third point of wisdom is what we come learn from all the relationships, skills and experiences in life we have. What we learn in terms of how to handle people, concepts that can be learnt from the skill or in learning the skill help us to understand the way the world works, how we can be more effective at something, or where best to apply these skills in a manner that avoids negative outcomes such as failures or negative reactions from the world.

The fourth is Fitness/Health, this isn’t actually a book, but rather your maintenance of your actual shelf. Imagine your shelf getting attacked by termites, cooked in the sun and drenched in the rain day in day out, won’t it just fall apart? Along with all the books inside.

Fitness and health doesn’t just purely talk about health, although it’s a main part of this concept. In order to have the ability to find the books that you can choose from and put on your shelf, you need a certain level of health or fitness to attain them, and if you were in poor health, it would be difficult to maintain these books or even find new books.

That’s why, the time we spend taking care of our shelf, through exercise, healthy diet, ample rest etc. Will determine how well we maintain our shelf, the books and how much we can learn from these books and attain new books.

With these books, we must make a choice, due to the limited shelf space and time we have to spend reading/living.

Maintain the library of your life well, do housekeeping, remove books that may not be useful, but don’t throw them away, perhaps just placing them in a box and picking it up once in a while does no harm. Don’t let it get cluttered with so many different things, and when the time comes when you need or want a book, you can’t find a good book among that junk, because you don’t know the books on your shelf very well, and many would be poorly maintained.

It boils down to another overused quote of, “Quantity over Quality” This is a choice you must make. I am not saying you should only have a few books on your shelf, in fact you can have many, but you’ve got to make sure they are well maintained and enough time has been spent on them, in order for them not to be useless or poorly maintained books.

By having good knowledge and understanding of your shelf and the books within them, you are better equipped in handling the world before you and achieving your goals and of course the pursuit of using your full potential. With our clock counting down, would you fill your shelf to the brim? Or fill it with something that makes a bigger difference? “Quantity or Quality?”

Like a summer of a thousand lonely smiles,
Without an end in sight,
When the moment seems so bleak,
Across this room of broken glass,
Turn away and don’t look back.

Take my hand.

I’ll show you a light that engulfs the darkness,
Where we become dreamers,
Among the sands of dream,
Shaded by these trees,
Where there is no need to try,
Because we just want to live.

For in life we can’t ask for more,
But the gift of life’s journey.
-Never giving up

2009-03-31T07:39:00.000-07:00

Beyond the twenty

As the air begins to thin,
I find myself breathing harder,
The light gets blocked by the clouds of mediocre,
It’s getting hard to think about the future.

A droplet falls downwards in this endless drop.

Where will it be in the day after tomorrow?
I can only tell you what’s happening to it today,
I can tell you what happened to it before,
But I can’t tell you when you are gone.

All I can do is reach upwards,
And sing the song,
With you as long as your close to me,
Knowing that it will end,

Searching for that moment secretly,
That moment when you are gone.
-That moment

“Have you heard how in falling we are given wings?” This was a letter written to me a long time ago. When I look back at part of my past that I could not bear to look at out of guilt, I realized how much I’ve held onto for the longest time, and tried to ignore.

It was many years ago, when that letter was written to me, and the person who wrote it to me, had so much more feeling and meaningful words than ever spoken to me than when I knew person for an entire year. At the time I got the letter, I had hardened my heart and chose not to look back, and thus the letter did not get through, but years later, after looking at it I do realize how much that person felt, even more strongly than I understood many years ago.

And this is the moment I realize that some time after passing twenty, I had grown emotionally to an extent that I never realized, I look back at myself and understand why I did those things, but I neither condemn nor condone it, it was a learning experience and a memory to keep for life. And my stage of life, it is time not to pretend or to be ignorant to the truth.

The poem that I wrote with a close friend of mine regarding some of these pent up feelings was titled contemplation of condemnation. It contains a reflection of myself written four years ago.

Amoung the clouds of golden rain upon shadow and pain,
contemplation of the insane,
pondering about the place of dust and rust,
and of hearts I've sundered, hopes and dream I've plundered.

Deny the indifference stilled by grief,
restrain, unbecoming, a voiceless faceless fear,
measured so modestly, and lithe,
the dearth of a virtue so severe.

Each action driven by desire,
although an innocent love,
yet a consequence of lust,
rise into decadence and fallen into silence.

I rise as conscience wills only to serve,
the truth of my guilt is lie,
vainity is the temperament of worth,
as strife holds a grace fated to die.

Dreams of gold and words untold,
of tears that were shed and hearts that have been bled,
uncrossed paths and broken hearts,
desire a condition, control a mere reminisince.

In a past that could be,
of a man you could be,
have you no remorse, no feeling?
am I thus hateful, so steeped in ambiguity?

Tis a shade of grey.
Nay, a conflict of white and black.
perhaps to wish for nothing more, that is all I ask.
Yet so much more, I hunger and desire for.
All I pray if you may is to hold you at bay.
for I am naught, the sorrow of the end.
-Contemplation of condemnation

I understand the poem written long ago even more, how much guilt I had in myself, that I keep within myself until now. Do I have regrets? No I don’t, its part of my experiences and memories that live to make me who I am now, if I did not experience what I experienced I may not be the person who I am now.

To be honest, every time I’ve run into the person who wrote me this letter my heart burns deep, and I begin to panic, though I never truly show it. I just continue smiling and pretend nothing was happening, even when we locked eyes for a moment. I always thought it was some unexplainable fear that I had, which I rarely felt except in extreme situations where I have no control of. But it wasn’t fear, it was guilt, deep burning guilt that struck me hard every time I was near that person.

After so many years, I’ve yet to actually to make amends for what happened. It wasn’t because of cheating or betrayal, but it was guilt over making someone so hurt and not parting on the best terms. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting and feel that its about time to apologize, no matter how much time has been spent apart. I believe making the point to make amends to rebuild a bridge that was once burnt will make a difference even if it fails, because at the end of the day, at least the other person knows that I am sorry by trying to make amends.

The only question is, how do you fix something that has been left for years? Of course there is a hope that the person is more receptive to such an apology or attempt to make amends and have long gotten over it. I can only hope that the person can see I’ve changed and that I truly want to make amends and nothing else, I wish to end the animosity and hurt that the person may feel towards me, if they still have it.

I remember the verve of the moment,
Of the times I’ve spent reflecting its end,
And realized that it was a piece left uncompleted,
It was duet that I failed to finish properly,
Leaving my partner in tears,
That has long since dried up.

I’ve contemplated my condemnation.

Choices in life we make,
To leave things behind,
But at the end of the day,
A responsibility,
Something left owed,
Something to be repaid,
Not an empty portrait,
But rather a memory to remember.
-Dried tears.

2009-02-11T07:20:00.000-08:00

Remembrance

Every memory’s slowly fading,
In the evanescence of this dreaming,
I remember the choice of words,
The paths taken.

I find myself too attached to this particular memory.

I can’t give you the reason why,
But I realize I don’t need one,
It’s just a special one,
One that I won’t let decay.
-Remembrance

I’ve had time to reflect on the past two days. Of someone I met and shared fun filled moments with. A person who was full of life and vibrance. She was someone with ambition, someone who wanted to do something with her life. A driven person.

I was in a church with a mass that was singing songs, the speeches to honor her given, the tears shed, the final goodbye. And now I sit in my room to the silence and the reflection. It is quiet now, the silence a painful solemn thing as I said my final goodbye, in my own way.

She was so young, younger than me, which showed how short life was. I remember I wrote a poem long ago about a funeral, I’ve shown it a couple of times, but it fits the occasion. It was raining on that day too, and when it rained it poured.

As I heard the music of the funeral band,
I reached out for her hand,
Only to stumble and be lost.

As the first drop came,
An endless pour,
Caught in a world of endless doors,
I began to cry,
And then a hand grasped mine.

I was out of my daze,
And I was met with many a gaze,
I heard the speech of praise,
From a priest of heavenly grace,

The hearts had been bled,
The tears were shed,
At the end of everything said,
I said my goodbye as I cried in my bed.

-Goodbye

It makes me think about life, the frailty, the temporary flesh and bone we reside in. It makes death part of life, and with death it brings loss, not only to those who know the person but to the world. Loss is always painful, no matter how wants to look at it, it is always painful.

Memories that sometimes you never reflected back much on till it was too late. A friend told me, that sometimes only when something like this happens then the memories come flooding back. Sometimes it feels like there is nothing I can say or do that really makes a difference, but at the end of the day, we should, despite the smallest significance it would make.

Each voice has weight, and with our life and each breathe we take, we should use that strength to honor those past and create a change and live life to the fullest. We have the ability to affect, what choices are you making? What are you doing with your time?

Are you living it to the fullest? Can you die right now satisfied with what you lived with? The concept of living a full life was brought up in the funeral where the priest spoke that one can have lived a full life by accepting god. That was his idea of living a full life.

But then again, we all have different ideas on what a full life should be? Who is correct? My idea of having lived a full life would mean that I experienced life physically, spiritually, mentally and appreciated these experiences and had reflected greatly and gained knowledge and wisdom from these experiences. That is what it means to have lived a full life. But what is your idea of living a full life?

Have I lived a full life? I can’t say I have. I have reflected a lot, but I have not reflected enough, there are so many experiences I’ve yet to experience. People I’ve yet to help and by god, as long as there is enough strength in me, I will make it happen. This life I have is precious. The lives we have is precious, its temporary and we never know when it ends. It’s not important to think about the end, but rather what we do until we reach the end.

Live every moment and make it something you want to take with you at the end. Something you can look back on and smile at. I’ve had moments like that, that did not require any brush of death. When I was in Phuket in the Marriott, under the sun in the pool just looking out at the sea, I reflected on the beautiful moments that meant a lot to me and just realized how lucky I am to have lived these moments. So despite not achieving the full life I see, I still have no regrets even if I have to go.

Why fear death? Fear not making the most of the time you already have. The famous quote, “The past is over, the future is unknown, the present is a gift.” I’m not sure if I got it correct but it makes sense. The past is already done, and we should not live in it, because if we spend too much time living in it, we lose the present, and if we spend too much time thinking of the future, we waste the present. That’s why it’s important to learn from the past, plan for the future and make full use of the present.

It’s quiet now,
I feel the world coming to a stand still,
The tears well up inside.

There’s nothing I can say to make the pain go away.

For every time you fought and tried,
I will remember that,
Every word you spoke,
Is precious to us all.

For the words you wrote.

When the moment came to a close,
Remember us,
As we remember you,
I will remember you.
For we love you.

- To Jaclyn

I bid adieu to you for the last time.
-Kwan

2009-01-18T06:22:00.000-08:00

Those eyes

Pray upon this lonely soul,
Holding your hand in mine,
As you rest your head against me,
Connecting in this embrace.

Choose the dance.

Tell me how you want it,
Look into my eyes and I into yours,
I’ll lean close,
And listen.

I want to hear your chocolate whispers.

No need for the rational,
Dance with me in the faded,
Amongst the candles,
In its orange glow.

Is there a reason to need?
Or is there a reason to be?
-Those eyes

Is there always an ending to the choices we make in life? Perhaps the end never comes as soon as we think, or isn’t over when we think it is over. I’ve learnt it over the past month or so that things don’t simply go away, simply end like that.

But would I trade it for anything else? The life that I have lived for another? I say no, this life is precious because it’s by my actions and choices that have influenced the outcome of my life, it is the life that has my work, my input, my follies. That’s what makes it more valuable, precious and unique and because I’m the one who lived my life, not someone else.

If I died tomorrow, I would have died knowing that I lived my life without regret and that I appreciate it a lot, despite its downs, it brought me many highs that made me appreciate and treasure life, which gives us these experiences and teaches us many things. The thing I’ve said so many times, and can never say enough of, life is about its experiences, it’s what makes life worth living, the good and bad.

The problem for most people is they do not or have yet to appreciate it. They go throughout life never really contemplating about it, until it hits them one day, and they worry about all the lost contemplation, and when they think about their purpose of life, the directions they took, the choices they made. When they start doing it for the first time, it may be so overwhelming because they have so much to make up for.

When was the last time you reflected about your life? What happened before, what caused it, what you learnt from it, how it affects you now, what choices do you have now, what you can do, will do and what direction will you take for your future?

Life’s many questions that we often fail to sit down and really think about it. It’s something that is often procrastinated about. When you reflect, you can relook goals you’ve set before, or set goals if you have not yet, or update it based on what you think is better. Are you able to die tomorrow without regrets?

Many of us are fortunate with time, health, family, friends, school and various comforts that we often take for granted. For some, they think their life is terrible and not worth living, and that there is nothing worth living on for, or that it’s far worse off than anyone else’s. I have an answer for that, stuff that thinking because it’s selfish and self centered. Remember this, our life isn’t simply ours, it belongs to the world, to the people we will meet, affect and experience with.
Remember those who brought us into this world, they gave us life, they may not be the most perfect people but they gave you life. I could sit here and continue telling you about why your life simply isn’t yours, so taking it for granted and choosing to end it is selfish.

We live life, experiencing it unhindered. Have you ever thought to think about those who can’t walk, hear or see? If you’re thinking that you’re now more fortunate than them, I’d say yes and no. Yes because you don’t have a disability and can experience the maximum that life can offer, and no because a person with a disability can sometimes experience life more than you.

Why do I say that? Because a person with a disability might appreciate what he or she has more. The person may have reflected life more, enjoyed and appreciated the experiences that they could get and enjoy living more than you. So for every person who thought they their life was miserable, the reason for it being miserable is because you make it to be miserable.

For me, I can’t say I never felt sad or miserable. Yes I have, and still do, but constantly fixating on it won’t help my situation. It’s all about appreciating what you do, from the very air you breathe, to the wind that blows in your face, to even the water splashing against your face as you take a bath. How much we take from each experience makes the bigger difference.

That’s why, for those people who may have a shorter life span, sometimes, they learnt to appreciate life more and some chose to live their life to the fullest, and experience it rather than take a negative view on their plight. So in say a few months they might have left to live, they could have lived more than they ever would if given years. That goes for everyone.

Do you think you’re going to live forever? That tomorrow will come? Appreciate and learn from the past (where you have no regrets), live your life to the fullest (Because tomorrow may never come) and treasure every tomorrow that comes, and living your life to the fullest makes tomorrow even better, you never know when’s the ending. You’ll want to take your final breath with a smile.

There is a place to be,
Where my soul is blessed,
And you can let go,
Because there is nothing left to need.

I don’t know what my fate is,
But I know I have the choice,
To begin a journey,
To make memories to take with me.

Because I’ll never know when the end is.

-The place to rest

2009-01-03T01:44:00.000-08:00

Running towards happiness

Can you sense what’s in the air?
Can you tell me what’s fair?
I can’t tell if your mind’s even there,
Oh legs don’t fail me now.

I’m running at the speed of sound.

I’m trying to reach out to you,
To hold onto your hand,
And if we do,
I ask one thing.

Don’t let go.
-The atrophic run.

This is a line I wrote in a short story entitled Atrophic run.

“The angel of mercy holds my hand tonight as I ponder about the thoughts that run through my mind, where my hopes and dreams are questioned and checked by reality in this probability that doesn’t favor me.”
-Nathaniel

The story is about a boy who belongs to a long lost race of beings that can move at the speed of sound, but every time he runs at that speed, he starts to die a little. Thus every time he runs, his body degenerates, thus he rarely uses it, and mostly for mischief or showing off as he is sort of an anti-hero. He meets this girl one day, and things hit it off and they become close, but it becomes complicated as she has something she doesn’t want to reveal. Its story of love and sacrifice, where two worlds meet.

Why do I write about a short story I wrote? It’s the first piece of writing I’ve really written that I felt ok about in a month or so. I’ve had this rut for so long, and it was something that allowed to me to finally express myself.

It’s a new year now, and I ponder and reflect about my past and future. The future being bright with promises and possibilities where the probability unlike the protagonist in atrophic run, it favors me. That’s because I make my own chances, and if one doesn’t one leaves it to whatever happens, which could be both good and bad.

Our chances are determined by our actions or inaction, thus its all about the right actions. To me, the most important thing to increasing one’s chances is one’s mindset because at the end of the day, whatever you get, whether you’ll be satisfied or happy with it is based on how positive or negative your mindset.

For example, if someone gave you a glass of red wine you can react in several ways. To simplify things, we give a positive and negative view. For the negative view, you would look at the wine and think that it is lousy quality and not of the right temperature thus the taste would be partially defined about your bias, and thus you become unhappy, your actions and enjoyment are then influenced by these emotions. Now a positive mindset would be, you got a glass of wine from someone, and the person was kind enough to offer you a drink, instead of having no drink at all and perhaps the wine might taste good if one was willing to open one’s mind, and thus removing the bias and being grateful for the drink. At the end of it, being positive may reduce unhappiness or even make you more satisfied and happier.

You could do the same with a glass of water.

This brings into question the pursuit of happiness. That’s what Atrophic run is about. The person had the ability to run fast which allowed him to achieve things most people could not. If you are never satisfied with what ever you get, you might end up wearing yourself down if you don’t know when to stop. Not that its wrong to pursue better things, but one should be able to be positive about it.

The pursuit of happiness a concept about how one strives to achieve a state of happiness, there are many ways. Some of the common ways are:

1) Setting ideals and goals and working towards them. (Material wealth or power)
2) Being satisfied with what one already has.
3) Helping others (Charity, aiding someone in need or a friend)
4) Relationships (Friends, Family, Lover)

These could come in any combination. Perhaps the hardest is number two. In our society, we are brought up with a certain set of ideals and a majority of us don’t have that has been set by the various combinations of friends, family and media, thus the knowledge of something better may affect us on how satisfied with what we have because we might compare.

At the end of the day, we could always compare, and you can always find someone better off, unless you think you’ve got everything possible. But you can achieve something better than that; you can achieve all or most of your wants.

By making it realistic and choosing those that are most important to you, you make it much easier. For example, if you want to be good at a sport, dedicating your time to that sport can make you feel more fulfilled. Of course, if you had many other wants like needing money, do other sports, it makes it harder for you to be satisfied with just being good at that sport.

It’s good to do diverse things and have several things that are important to you that have perhaps the most fulfillments. But of course you should focus on something because if you often miss out and don’t pay attention to what’s one of the most important things in doing that sport/activity such as the process of becoming good at it, bonding with the people you do the activity with and forming relationships that go beyond that activity.

For me my general focus that brings about my happiness not in according to importance):
1) Writing stories and poetry
2) Having alone time to reflect
3) Family
4) Friends
5) Grades

These are the five things that I base my satisfaction on. To me, I know that my family is the foundation of my life because they are the ones I can turn to the most, thus family time is important and it’s important to have a strong relationship with them. To be honest, despite being the youngest in the family where I am not as close to my siblings as they are to each other, and my parents show more favoritism towards them, I still love them.

At the end of the day, one can have a negative view or positive view towards such things. I used to have abit of both, where the negative used to outweigh the positive, but that only made things worse and made home a much harder place to live. But I learnt that no matter how much biasness may be shown and whatever is considered unfair, I learnt to let things go and accept them as part of my life. In a way, I’d say I’m actually satisfied with what I got in my family, and I’m happy to be me, because I’ve got so much to be grateful for already.

If I had to list them out, it would take a post just as long as this and it would be in point form to boot. When was the last time you listed out the things that you should be grateful for? At the end of the day, you’ll realize you might have more to be happy about than unhappy about. It’s the mindset.

Find that precious light,
Where the two are a perfect match,
A connection without a catch,
Where the relationship and grow and hatch.
-The precious light

2008-11-24T21:49:00.001-08:00

Ascension

Have you thought about it?
All the relations you have built?
The crowd surrounds like a faceless blur,
Their all there,
But is it a false sense of accomplishment?

Is it a lie? Is life truly like this?

We perceive what we choose to see,
We become who we want to be,
Or is it something that we don’t truly see?
Are others the ones who decide?

In these hurried times you make a choice.

Even without the truth,
Without a light,
In these uncertainties,
It’s time to take that leap of faith.
-Perception and faith

Have you ever questioned what is real? There are so many things around us which we often don’t ask ourselves or choose not to, on whether the things we do is real. What do I mean by real? Being real is something that is done with the true desire to do it, something you truly believe in. But then, belief, it comes at another question, is belief enough to make it real?

Belief is a perception, if we believe something, it becomes real to us. So if everyone thought something was true, does it make it real? From here, we could continue to branch out to many topics and still go on and on, and this would end up as a ten thousand word article, which almost all of you who read this would never finish. Most people would not even finish the thousand word plus articles I write. So when you apply the word real to the readers of these articles, are any of you real readers of my articles? Do you actually read word for word, from beginning to end? Do you desire to read it? Do you simply read to see what’s going on in my life?

If you did, I guess you’d see my emotions in my writing, it reflects part of how my life is, the snapshots of state of mind and not exactly what happened in a literal sense. My poetry is like the summary of most of what happened, but the writings in between often hold so much more of my contemplations.

So to me, is this blog real? I have another where I write briefly about what happens in my life, posting pictures and showing the world what happens. It is a real representation of the exciting things in my life, though not every moment, thus I’d say its real, but does it reflect my true state of mind? In that sense, it would not be real. Brings us to the question of is it possible for something to be real and unreal at the same thing?
The sevendaysoftheweek blog has real pictures of me, has my writing and reflections about them, but only on the surface level. This surface level is real, but the deeper thoughts are not there, thus in terms of my writing styles and blogging style, it’s not the real me. Thus, I’d say that’s when the real and unreal merge, forming a different part.

Looking at things that are real, the largest part of our lives that we often should question if they are real is the relations we keep. Are these relations real? Why are they formed? Do they even hold real weight in our lives? In our life we will meet many people, who come and go, many whom we will forget, many whom we’ll briefly meet, but only a small number whom we will spend most of our time with and maintain relationships with. It is so easy for someone to fall out of relations if the bond is not strong and people don’t meet up.

That’s why as time goes on, the friends seem to change, and you look at how people are and their shift in loyalties or treatment of you. Often, it gets harder to see people for whether they truly like you and like to spend time with you the more you go into things that are considered “popular” Following the trends set by groups or people and becoming well known tends to blur the line of real and unreal. It makes it hard to determine if the person really would be your friend without this “popularity”

I’ve always shunned this form of “popularity” But then again, what about a trend you set? I realize by doing different things, by pursuing what I like, it ultimately does come with attention, and can end up being “popular” It is then when I don’t feel like pursuing what I enjoyed doing because of the “popularity” When I was the joker last month, I experienced a height of attention given towards me despite not revealing my name to those who don’t know me. When people asked me for my name, I only smiled and said it was “Joker”

Despite the numerous girls who wanted to take photos with me and get my name and number in Zouk, I chose not to give them; instead I maintained the persona of the Joker and told them I was the Joker. Being the Joker was not being me, but someone else, it was being in character, it was an act and people liked that, but it wasn’t the real me. I love acting so much, because at the end of the day it’s like living as another person for that moment of time. For that moment, I really become that person, I think and feel like the character, and for that moment it is real to me.

But at the end of the day, after the character has faded away, and I’ve reverted to myself, people still want to associate with me because of the character I played. I realized how plastic everything feels, the bitter after taste of “fame and popularity”. My use of these terms are in a small scale, I am not talking about huge groups knowing me, but those who see me and interact with during those moments want to know me for that. Most people I’ll meet probably will fade into the background quickly, but I want to have interactions with people as the real me so that when I find those who’d not fade away, that I could have real relations with them, something that would last.

I want to get to know people as the real me, and for them to be interested in knowing me as I am rather than any other way. I want it to be real, the want to know Kwan, not joker, not sandman, not something else, but just Kwan.

Do you hear the song of their voices?
The air becomes empty for a moment,
And the flowers begin to bloom,
And at that moment,

The sun is blocked by a sudden shadow.

The voices become silent,
The warmth once known is gone,
Even as the snow flakes fall,
Life carries on.

So why should you pause?
-Life carries on.

2008-10-26T10:03:00.000-07:00

Hurried times

In a world where everything’s standing still,
In these hurried times,
I hold her close to me,
I hear the slowing beat.

She’s not breathing back.

There isn’t anything I recognize,
In these hurried times,
I find myself letting it bother me,
I wonder if the world would crumble under me.

I try not to show it.

But it shows.
-In these hurried times.

Twenty years ten months and twenty seven days… The clock is ticking, and I see the seconds go by, before I realize it, many minutes have passed as I sit here in my room thinking. I reflect about how far I’ve come in my life, and see that I have experienced much but someone how just not enough.

Will I ever have enough experience in life? Time and time again I have talked about how important it is to learn and reflect about one’s life experiences. Two people might live the exact life but turn out different, because what that learnt and reflected from these experiences was different.

How I think, how I learnt, how I reflected made me the person I am today. All the choices I made in my life have lead me up to this point, all the emotions I have chosen to feel have molded me to this point, all that I have gained from these experiences. One could have an experience I become the epitome of evil, or could turn out the total opposite, it boils down to a matter of what one learns and gains and ultimately chooses. Everything boils down to choice, the choice of whether one chooses to become or feel that way. Some say that have no control over their emotions, but they still had a choice on what they could do, no matter the emotional state, one still has a choice. There is a choice to feel a certain emotion and how strongly one wants to feel it.

One could engulf oneself in sadness and cry on the spot if one let such an emotion fill themselves up. One can also feel extremely happy if one let oneself fill themselves up with such an emotion. So at the end of the day, it brings us back to the person’s choice, do you choose to be happy or to be sad? Given the same situation, different people have different emotions that come with it, because they made a choice. Some would argue with me that they do not choose to feel that emotion at all, but let’s take another look.

Emotions are somewhat like a habit. Imagine you’re a person who has no emotion to begin with; think a robot with intelligence but no prejudices. One day you encounter a situation where a plate falls down in front of you, and then a menu pops up to give you several options on how to feel.

Option no.1: Happy
Option no.2: Sad
Option no.3: Angry
Option no.4: Feel nothing

Now of all the choices listed, usually the last 3 would be the more likely choices. People would say its unlikely one can be happy about something breaking. Think of it in a different paradigm, it is possible to be happy in the sense that one chooses to think positively by clearing up the mess helping the person who might have broken it, by getting them a new one, this way everyone feels better about it.

Now, let’s go back to the original purpose of what I am talking about. Say you made your choice, and emotion has been felt, the actions that go with have been done. The second time it happens again, you end up with less options. Let’s continue by assuming you took the sad option.

New popup menu:

Option no.1: Sad
Option no.2: Angry
Option no. 3: Feel nothing

Suppose you decided to take Angry again, eventually the next time the plate breaks again, your choices narrow down to the first two options, and the following time there is only one option left, which is Angry. From then on, every time a plate breaks, you get angry. And when someone asks you why you feel such an emotion, it’s because you’ve got no control of how you feel.

We all have choices, and the emotions we feel automatically are usually a result of making a choice and it slowly becoming a habit to the point we feel like we don’t have control over our own emotions anymore. That’s why it’s so important to realize the way we feel, and there is still a chance to change it, because… We are not robots! We have choices that we must make actively, and that way we can control our emotions.

For me, I think looking at things positively is something that I want to be automatic, but of course, it’s not the easiest thing because people around you can tend to be negative, thus they can sort of influence your “option menu” Hence we must make the choice to think positive. When one thinks positively, and chooses to make the most of what one has or is given, one can be different from another. Its like a person who is given a knife to survive in the jungle for a week, he can choose to stay there and die because he thinks its hopeless, or he can use it to find food, make a shelter, protect himself, the choice is all up to him, because he is living, he has life. And I have said before, life is strength, it is the ability to affect our world, it is the ability to affect our world.

We are given choices in our lives, what we make of our choices is entirely up to us, but remember, it makes a difference in our lives and the lives of others around us. So choose carefully.

Do you hear it ringing?
The bell is calling out to us,
Choose to open your eyes,
I feel the itch bothering me.

Where do we go from here?

Choices without a thought,
Often leaving us distraught,
Remember this is our lives,
Do we play with it so carelessly?

It’s not so easy to break away.
-Choices

2008-08-02T23:15:00.001-07:00

Unrated Emotions

Silence, is it a cruelty or a kindness?
A respect towards another or lack of care?
Remove yourself from you emotions,
And stand back and look at the shadow cast.

You hear yourself dripping over the phone.

You listen carefully for the howling wind,
That moves you from place to place,
Where will it go next?
Don’t you want to change pace?

Stand your ground and hold on tight.

Everybody is surrendering all around,
Give yourself a reason to be here,
Close your eyes and visualize,
Feel the hand in yours.

Hold me tight.
- Hold on tight.

I stood there in my white shirt with my left hand at my side clutching a dark red rose, pondering about the moment when I should let go of it and continue on my journey. I remember the quote, “Sometimes you have to let things go in order to move forward”

I’ve let go of so many things in my life, and it has helped me moved forward with my life where I don’t carry the weight of it on my shoulders. Of course, remembering them brings back emotions, perhaps not as raw and intense as when it first occurred but it reminds oneself of how one felt then. The things that might trigger them, a certain song that was played then, a song that reflects that moment… So many possibilities, the moments where you sit down alone and reflect and fill yourself with emotions that sometimes might feel overwhelming, and you question yourself why you’re feeling such emotions?

We’re all entitled to our moments where we feel down for no apparent reason, but we need to able to pull ourselves out of it and return to reality, the path we are currently on, not the path that we were on. Such memories serve well as experiences that mold us, so we keep them with us throughout our lives. Use it well, not as something that will hold you back.

On the path we are currently on, the thing we will encounter most, which is perhaps the most constant thing, is change. It’s something that happens throughout our entire lives. Life is about change, sometimes its painful, sometimes its beautiful, but most of the time its both. That is what makes life worth living. We affect change, it’s what gives us power, the ability to change things, affect our world, others. We are agents of change.

Life is strength, you live you affect your world, it is undeniable. The choices we have, have the ability to affect our world, it’s the truth about life. What we do with our lives is a whole different story. Have you sat down and saw how you fit in the grander picture? Whose lives you will affect, you will change. Are we simply victims of circumstances with no choice? “When a man cannot choose he ceases to be a man.” This is taken from the movie Clockwork Orange, if we don’t have the choice, we are no longer men, that is why in the world we live in today, we are men who have choices, and what we do determines who we are.

Simply thinking about doing good makes no difference in this world, the actions reflect the man, not his thoughts. If you take a person who has nothing but hatred in this world saving lives and changing others for the better, is he not better than the man who loves the world yet does nothing to help? We are all given life, we are given strength, to think about using it is nice, but the truth is, the action is what makes the difference.

The question of it all is, who do we see as the better man? The one who uses the life he is given, or the one who doesn’t? Or do we judge him by the way he thinks? Let us look at why do they think it yet don’t act. We live in a society where everyone is taught courtesy, with campaigns and posters teaching how people should act in certain situations.

I’ve seen people who are deemed “good” citizens in courtesy wise, where they give up their seats to old people and pregnant ladies in trains and buses. But when it comes down to rushing over to help someone who has fallen on the floor at the entrance of the train carriage just as the door is closing, no one does anything, these “good” citizens simply gawk and stare, not even moving to help.

I remembered the moment, I rushed there to help the lady up, with only one other rushing over to look but not even offering a hand. If one is not taught such an act, are they incapable of doing it? Perhaps they thought of helping, but did not act. In this world, actions are more important than thinking it. Perhaps, none of these people encountered this scenario, or were “taught” about how to react in that situation. This is where the divide occurs, the person who acts and the person who doesn’t, suppose there is this person who is considered “evil or bad” compared to the rest of the “good” citizens, taking my place in that moment, helping that lady. Does that make that “bad” person better than these “good” citizens? Even if he delighted in the fall of the lady and laughed at her, if helped her, he made a bigger difference than those who may have felt sorry for the lady who fell, because he was the one who saved her.

So based on the thinking of the person and his action? Which weighs out more? A thought is not real, but an action is. Though it would be best if the person thought of good and did good, but when it comes down to the debate of thinking versus action, I must say that the person who acts is still better than the person who thinks in this aspect.

As the droplets fall on my head,
I looked down and close my eyes,
Feeling the constriction around my finger,
A ring with a string attached to it.

The string is connected to my heart,
Which is linked to a trigger,
The wind blows across my face,
My hair blowing wildly to one side.

I lift my head up and press,
The deafening sound leaving nothing,
But a ringing sound in my ears,
As I fall to my knees.
-Push the button.

2008-07-18T09:10:00.001-07:00

The clockwork mind

I hear the dead silence for that moment,
Before the clock strikes twelve,
As the gears begin to turn,
I look at the object in my hand.

The final card that has yet to be dealt.

The tick tocks of the clockwork,
As the twins of fate seem driven to meet,
I close my eyes,
And tilt my head slightly backwards.

It all ends with the sound of a click.
-Into the mind behind closed doors.

As I sit down here, I hear the music pouring from the speakers into the room, a score that makes me ponder about the side of a person who managed to create such a character.
The movie dark knight was outstanding, and something that took my breath away. The movie was truly a reflection of an extremely well created and acted character, the joker. To see the expressions and actions of the joker was amazing, Heath Ledger was amazing. I can only imagine what he faced in the room he stayed in a room for a month.

Can you imagine yourself being in a room for one month? To play the joker, the lengths he took to create his character, a culmination of dedication to his craft. Living alone in a hotel room for a month, he spent the time creating the joker’s manner, psyche, voice and posture. Slowly becoming the character, and keeping a diary where he recorded the thoughts and feelings of the character.

Heath Ledger used inspirations from a masterpiece called clockwork orange, another movie that I feel is truly amazing, something that combines ultra-violence and sex and morals with the most radical symbolism for its time. It is something that I think, those who are prepared for something that is radical for this country, should watch.

Like having a conversation with one’s self, reflecting and thinking about what it is like to think in such a manner, to feel such emotions, to be able to think like the joker, to act psychotic yet incredibly intelligent. The amount of brooding one would have to do, reflecting from multiple points of views, ranging from a scheming genius to a child like manner which takes pure joy in violence and destruction. I cannot only begin to peel off the layers slightly to even contemplate what must go through one’s mind. To even have a laugh so deep and scary that it would befit the joker.

Taking in all the expressions he used, the convincing act truly felt like the real deal, something I myself find is truly something that reminds me of how much I treasure acting. The craft itself, the manner, the skill required.

The plot within a plot was genius, he had the material that was something that kept me in awe, the way of thinking required to come up with such plans, to actually do such a thing, the mind of the joker, it makes me wonder if I could even reach such a level to perform a role such as that. I’ve always had a preference to acting as a villain, one who had a strong personality that is often unforgettable and will remain in the minds of the audience, to leave an impression that they were evil, or misunderstood, or perhaps both.
If I had to name two villains I would love to play, it would be Heath Ledger’s take on the joker or Jon Irenicus who is the main antagonist of “Baldur’s gate two shadows of Amn” (A Dungeons and dragons game which has the most storyline for a game I’ve played)

I’ve been in Canoe for 3 months now, and the daily grind of going to school, discussing with team mates who are often unmotivated to work,(To those who do work, I appreciate that you guys are there.) analyzing problems given daily that we must research and present on, and then training, either in the gym or in canoe. I go to school five days a week, train seven days of the week unless I take a day off to go and watch a movie or spend time with friends. Watching the joker on the screen, reminded me how much I miss acting.

I feel the call of the stage, I have not acted in such a long time. Can you imagine what it feels like to be on stage? To become the character you are given, to convince the audience you are truly that person, to have them understand and empathize or even fear your character. The emotion one feels from the character, the amount that you must draw from within to create that true expression, as if in that moment you believed you were that person, not only that, for that moment you didn’t exist, but that character.

That is something I greatly miss, and would like to return to eventually when time permits. At this current point, training seven days a week won’t lead to me returning to the stage. Of course, if I do return to the stage I hope to get a role that is truly worth the return, a role, a villain of which I could use my talent to shape and create and eventually become.

Tomorrow is the national canoe competition, something I have to go for the next two days. Of course, the day itself will also be the poker night I have been planning for weeks now, it makes or breaks several things, but overall I intend for it to be something worth the time of everyone who comes. I feel committed to canoe, but also feel the call of the stage, beckoning, the lights, the music, the mics, the makeup, the crowd.

The many words fill my head,
Like a thousand voices all at once,
Bearing down with tremendous pressure,
Of which there is no measure.

The shattered glass leaves a trail behind me.

Reach into the darkness,
And pull me back from the edge,
Before I fall,
Help me find that pill.

That pill that takes my pain away.
-Breaking out

2008-06-29T04:25:00.000-07:00

Reach into the dream

Shift your focus a little,
Imagine the future that is untold,
Of things that are unpredictable,
Make a wish upon this star’s dust.

Think about how far we’ve come.

About life’s wonder wall,
Can we climb it?

I’d hold my breath,
And take that plunge,
If you’d hold my hand.

To see that smile,
Is so divine,
Even for a moment,
Just for a while.
-For a while

Regret is something I’ve heard too often from some people; they always seem to be regretting this choice and that choice. I find that they carry so much baggage with them when they regret. It’s like a weight that weighs down their mind, blinding them to so much of the world, of its beauty, of its wonders. It leaves them blaming many things, which makes them bitter, and they can only see the negatives.

I’ve got no regret for my current life, of what I’ve done, but it doesn’t mean I love everything I’ve done and experienced, I simply am appreciative of it making the way I am. It shapes my mind so much, made me what I am and of course like I’ve written before, makes life worth living, because no one will ever live my life but me. I’ve got this precious gift, and what I make of it is my choice to a great extent, sure it’s controlled here and there by others, but ultimately what I make of the choices available is entirely me, I still shape my future.

So are there times that I feel anger, hatred towards others? In a sense feel regret for doing something? I cannot say I’ve not felt such an emotion, but I learnt to let things go. Because at the end of the day, harboring such a feeling would eat up at you inside, all those “what ifs?” would murder you from within. I don’t contemplate about the what if, but I do like to reminiscence about my life, and appreciate the nostalgia and memories. I’m quite happy with them, and I feel that I’ve got so much to be grateful for, you can’t have the world, but you can be satisfied. Ask yourself this question, which is better? Having everything and still wanting more, or being satisfied and happy? We can always strive for something better, nothing wrong with that, but we must learn to be happy with ourselves, as that’s where we live without regret.

Often than not, what makes us unhappy is the troubles we encounter throughout our life that make us upset. Many factors can trouble one’s mind, but in the end you must think about what can ease your mind, of to people who have been kind, but often not, to these we are blind. The negative is so easy to dwell upon, it’s like a wall that just seems so hard to climb, and see beyond as it blocks your vision.

When we actually climb to the top of it, and see beyond, are we ready to jump off that wall to take the plunge? Into the side where we see promise and future and allow ourselves to hope and believe that there might be a chance. We often choose not to climb.

Because it’s so difficult, it’s so much easier to stare at it, curse at it and feel angry or sad. The choices given to us have so many varying degrees of difficulty, but when weighs what is better in a logical manner, which is often hard to do, it may seem clear cut on what one must do, unfortunately, thing’s are so hard to see.

It’s not easy to see when the wall’s right in your face, and you’re just an inch away, it’s hard to think when something is just right there, blocking everything and you can push against it, and the feeling just overwhelms you.

Take a moment to pause, and perhaps step back away from that wall. It’s so hard when you first arrive at the wall, as often we are so close to it, and we can see anything else. When our mind is filled with what upsets us, we cannot see much, the solution or way around it is so difficult to see. That’s why when if you had actually stopped for a moment, and maybe stood back, in a 3rd person point of view, the whole situation might be easier to deal with.

Imagine yourself as the friend listening to your friend’s problem, and then you can see it in a different light or point of view. Perhaps then, you can see the wall, and actually know how high it is, how you should take your first step to climb it. Not every wall can be walked around, but if you can climb it, you can definitely go over it, and remember, climbing the wall doesn’t have to be on your own. Because often when we’re at that wall, we’re hurt emotionally, and don’t have the normal conviction and strength we usually have to deal with such things. Remember, Remember, you don’t always have to do it alone.

When one encounters a wall that is beyond their own capability to climb, one might need help, to climb it. That’s when friends and family can come in. They can provide the base and support needed to climb over that wall.

And finally when you’ve reached the top, and can view everything that the wall has blocked, it comes to the next part which is sometimes just as difficult, the higher the wall, the harder it may be to take the plunge. It can seem scary, because of fear, that’s when one must remember, those who helped them climb the wall, are also there to catch you when you take the plunge. So remember.

I found a rabbit hole,
It leads to a place unknown,
Would you take the plunge?
Are you willing to lose it all?

Press the tape recorder and begin.

Pack your belongings and steal away with me,
Listen to the band play the piece,
And get carried away,
By the music of this game.

Take a moment to catch your breath.

Living is the constant we must achieve,
Every step a calculated choice,
With everything to lose,
And everything to gain.

Can you hear the phone ringing?

I’m calling to your heart,
From behind the stained glass,
With my hand against it,
Waiting for yours.
-Reach into the dream

2008-06-19T07:39:00.001-07:00

Mark of the infinity

I bear the mark of infinity on my hand,
Standing with my arms thrown back,
And looking over the shadows,
I take a deep breath before,
The deepest darkest plunge.

Many a moment flashes past.

A broken stick is left in my hand,
It’s been there for so long,
I almost forgot what it was,
When it was whole.

Where does the moment meet and end?
-Making the infinite plunge

Much has happened in the time since I’ve written. I’ve started an web photo blog, which has far less writing and lots of pictures, that sort of documents much of what I do. But at the end of the day, I find that writing is still what I prefer more. Over there I do feel the constriction and desire to write, but I know that the blog wasn’t meant for such a thing.

I know when I write here, I write for myself, no one else, otherwise I would not write so long. That other blog feels like its more for others rather than myself, sure it is fun, but it doesn’t have the feel of me actually writing my thoughts on it.

Over the month, I’ve experienced new things, had a lot of fun, suffered a betrayal and made new friends whom for the first in long time have given me the vibe of being long term friends. Most friends are those who get forgotten over time, but I feel that the bond between the current guys I’ve met in Republic Canoe (Sprint Kayak) those special few, are truly closer than what I remembered in army.

Much of what I’ve gone through has made me somewhat different from the last month. It allows me to see a bonding that creates a clear gap in my closeness between my classmates and me. The closeness is no where as near there compared to Canoe. Despite seeing these people everyday, I realize that much of the way they are still keeps me apart from them. Canoe has quite a large number of older guys who are quite mature, which makes me feel more comfortable.

I cannot deny that I feel old in school, being the eldest in class, and seeing how people act and react to situations puts me off somewhat. There is a generation gap there, which has prevented me from showing my true self in class, which I find that few will ever see. I know that when I am in school, in class and in training, I am dead serious, and I don’t want to be distracted in either. When its time to work, it should be done and done well, and when its time to train its when full focus comes into play, I truly love the feeling of pumping up yourself to work hard with your team mates, something I’ve not had in many years.
My paradigm has shifted slightly, which gives me more perspective and comparison to a lot of things, and I find that I enjoy school a lot, despite having some gap between me and classmates, we work well that’s for sure, but there are just certain things I can’t identify with at all, fortunately everything is mutually fine, it would be considered positive acquaintances.

What else has changed? I am for one single after the longest time. Something I’ve not been in such a long time. It feels funny to actually say that word. I actually counted the days I was single when it first happened. I guess I’ve been given a freedom that I never really desired or thought of much. I’m so used to just living my life and improving myself. So many of my close friends said it’s good to take time off to be single, to discover more about myself and mature emotionally.

They said, despite being more matured when it comes to making most decisions, I hadn’t matured much emotionally as I had been in a relationship for so long. I guess it’s a lot to think about and contemplate, but I know that when I make a choice, I stick to it and take time to reflect about my life, which gives me perspective and drive to achieve whats important to me. To list out the important things, aside from family obligations and health and close friends, it would be school and training. These are the most important aspects of my life that I will bring along with me throughout my life. My grades will affect where I go and how much I will study whilst my training will give me the fitness and strength I have long to come and respect as it takes dedication to achieve, which is something I hold dear to myself.

Speaking about training, I’m a little confused by this little machine in the school gym that is supposed to check your body fat percentage. Every time I use it, my fat percentage seems to drop. The numbers went from 9.5% to 7.6% to 6.4% to the latest of 5.6%. This was on the setting of normal, and then on the athletic, it reflected 10.5% currently, so I assume my body fat was 10.5% which is the lowest I’ve ever had in my life, because previously when I was lighter and running a lot my fat percentage was so much higher, 18%? To be honest, I think the machine is not working properly.

All this training probably has had much of an effect on me. As of today, I’ve had 4 days of training straight this week. 3 gym sessions and 1 water training, tomorrow’s a day to celebrate a canoe mate’s birthday, while the next day will be water training, and I’d fit in a run if I had the time. Not only that I will be training in the gym on Sunday. That’s working out 6 days a week. I must say its time to take a break tomorrow, as the next break will be quite a while away, with tons more of training to go.

When I hear the bells ringing,
I remember the moment when I leaned over,
And you smiled as I rested my head on your shoulder,
Bring me back to the time.

The time when you were young.

When in the sun shine as stretched across the field,
Where you’d turn towards me and look,
And I could see it,
That lovely smile of yours.
-The juicy zest of life.

Where there is a reason,
To stare into the infinity,
You'd understand why I sin,
With the choices I'm given,
Living proof of what I uphold,
I am the one who bears the mark,
The mark of who I am.
-Mark of Infinity

2008-05-10T01:00:00.000-07:00

Crimson autumn

The ray of light shines across the floor,
I take your soft hand in mine,
One hand in yours,
Another on your waist,
The music starts,
We march to the sway of the beat.

I pull you closer to me, face to face eyes locked.

Dancing across this ocean floor,
Stepping right up to the groove,
Losing ourselves in our stare,
Walking around each other,
Like birds in a mating game,
Step right up to this sweet charade.

Inching closer within breathing distance, so close yet so far.

Turning slowly together on smoothed surface,
Your leg entwines around mine,
You place your hand around my neck,
Leaning so strongly against me with your delicate back,
I tighten my grip and bring you slowly down and back up again,
Lost in the symphony of song and lights.

To end this would almost be a shame, to end this sweet embrace.
-Mating game

Sometimes we feel more emotional than other days, the same show that you’ve seen before may not make you cry the first time round, but when you watch it again, it can sometimes make you tear. One particular episode of smallville can do just that, its season 5’s episode 12, entitled reckoning.

This is my summary of the episode and the parts where I cried: “Clark decides to tell Lana the truth and reveals his true identity and also proposes to her, fast forward into the middle of the episode, Lana gets involved in a car accident and dies, While on the phone with Clark, she tells him Lex is chasing her and she doesn’t see an oncoming bus which ends up hitting her. The whole scene comes to a slow down, where Lex gets out in tears seeing what has happened, and then Clark appears out of super speed, he rushes to the accident and rips the door off the overturned car and touches Lana to find her dead and begins to cry, its at this moment where the scene and music makes me tear, and then the father happens to stop by and rush over to pull Clark away.

Clark chooses to return to the past with the power of his fortress and relives the same day, where he is about to tell Lana the truth, which he decides not to. However, the events of the same day play out in a similar way, where Lana is about to involved in accident again, with Lex chasing her, in both cases Lex kissed her because he was drunk and upset, so it starts the chase, this time Clark prevents the accident, and his father drives by the scene without stopping and sees Lex apologizing to Lana.

The father was on his way to meet Lionel Luthor at their barn, in the previous events, the father would have stopped to go to Clark. This time, instead of Lana dying, the father gets in a fight with Lionel in the barn and this causes him to have a heart attack, and then he proceeds to walk out of the barn, where Clark and his mother were just driving home and they spot him, the last few moments of the father’s life, Lana’s life traded for the father’s, the very same music plays once more where Lana died, and here is where I tear one more time.”

Since I last wrote, the computer has been moved into my room, and the shift makes everything feel so different, it is a lot warmer in my room since the fan is above my bed and not my computer, so I often turn on the air con to cool the room for awhile. Although when I go to sleep, I switch off the air con. I now have two desks to work from, one for my pc and one for my laptop, both use wireless so there is no need for wires, and the best part is there is plenty of space to dine in my own room! Nothing like a nice glass of merlot with a warm meal with the accompaniment of music to chill by.

Right now, it’s a little warm in the afternoon, and the cat is sleeping in the chair behind me. I’ve been busy contemplating on whether to start adding photos to my blog, I’ve never done if before, so I guess I’d give it a try, though I feel it might affect my style a little. To me, I rather not compromise on the writing because of pictures, but I figured I should start taking a lot more pictures.

The main concern is perhaps not writing people’s names in my blog, which has been something I’ve been doing for quite some time. For the mean time, I guess I’ll stick to pictures of objects and places, and not people. For my cat, I guess it will be fine.

So here is a picture of my cat sleeping behind me, for him, I guess I can make an acception for his name, which is Indie which is inspired by Indiana Jones. It’s a long story, best left to my sister to tell, for me in person.

School has been good, I had canoe land training last week, which I must say, was something I had been hoping for a long time. A breakdown of what we did, 400+ pushups (I did 380 Standard proper pushups, there was one set where I had not recovered where I needed to cheat a little.) 100+ crunches, leg lifts and body builders( body builders are a combination of burpies and pushups combined, not that hard) 100 or so jumping jacks( I don’t really consider this at all, its probably just for show…) 35 pull-ups and I assisted a total of 60 reps for other people, half of which were those who were terribly heavy(think obese and they couldn’t even lift less than half their weight) The assisting was harder than doing pull-ups with weights attached! In all, out of forty or so guys who turned up, only seven were still doing the pushups, and half of those still doing were not doing it properly any more.

It felt good to be among the remaining seven, and still going strong, but Its not a fair comparison because I am older, I’ve trained a lot more, and when I mean a lot, I mean extra years of advantage which make a huge difference, even though the day before, I had trained my chest and abs in the gym. When you’ve got an entire group doing the training with you, you feel like you can do more, because you want to do it with them.

I’ve almost forgotten what its like to train with people, I’ve had so much time to train solo, and I would never do that many pushups on my own. I hope to see even tougher training the following week. After the training, I had dinner with the seniors, their quite a fun bunch, and it was easy to relate with them. I look forward to the next training, perhaps at least an additional 100 to which ever amount for each exercise we’re doing? I dream of a 1000 pushups in one session… (That is still a dream, I’ve never done that many before, but to test my endurance to that level would be truly interesting, though muscle sacrificing)

Went to an outside gym with two classmates yesterday to teach them how to train, their quite fun just that one laughs like a crazy woman non-stop, which kind of makes it embarrassing. I find it great that I can still relate to those younger than me and of course enjoy their company. Ah oh yes, the cats awoke and changed his place of rest. The only camera I use now is my current handphone’s camera… too lazy to use any other or charge my old one.

Next week’s another week, and I’ve got a day and a half to focus myself again to be at my peak and accomplish the goals I’ve set out for myself. And of course, some time to continue my reading of the monk who sold his Ferrari. The week before last, I gave away that book to someone I met in the botanic gardens where I was reading, she had lost her handphone, and was distressed, so I spoke to her for awhile, before we knew it, I gave her my book cause I felt she needed it more than me, then we became friends and exchanged contacts. Last weekend I got a new one at times at Jelita, in each of these instances, I walked to the locations and back, I find it rather nice to walk instead of taking a bus, its not to save money or anything, but you get to see a lot of things you may not have seen if you took a bus.

This finally brings me to the reason why I titled this blog post crimson autumn. There was a moment last weekend when I was walking to the Jelita along sixth avenue where I saw a tree that was quite bare, save for sparse red leaves, next to it was the same type of tree but it was all green and full of life, it was in that moment where that image was forever burnt into mine, and I felt full of emotion and nearly teared right there and then.

In all, I realize that I have been more in touch with my emotions as of late, where I can feel an emotion more deeply or stronger than before, and this can overwhelm me and cause me to cry. I guess I have been able to appreciate things more and feel more emotion than I normally allow myself too.

The tree was bare and it looked so sad, with the red leaves clinging on for dear life, and then at that moment, when the wind blew, the leaves began to fall, and it was like an autumn fall where it began to rain red leaves, leaving the tree completely bare.

A tree along the road,
Crowned in blood red,
The few tears it held,
Tears of blood,
The moment seems to stop.

I stand there in this serenity.

I observe as the dove settles at its feet,
Where another it has come to meet,
Together the pair at this lone beat,
And here I am at this front row seat,
Directly under life’s glaring heat.

There comes a gust.

The crown breaks,
The tears fall,
The pair stirs,
There is nothing left,
I close my eyes as I lose a tear.
-Crimson Autumn

2008-04-30T10:26:00.000-07:00

The thin line

Your voice whispering softly,
The words part of a concern,
Reaching over to my shoulder,
Sharing an emotion quite dear.

Listening to your voice as you whisper the words in my ear,

As we clasp each others hand tightly,
We close our eyes and fall to our knees,
Feeling the softness of the ground,
Breathing in the air of green.

Each blade of grass holds a tear, of the world’s cruelty.

In the cool of the morning air,
Where we see what we’ve become,
A moment of peace shared,
One’s thought laid bare.

A true comfort to know,
Knowing we’re not alone in this world.
-Where we stand

As I listen carefully to the crowd around me, a certain voice calls to my attention; I find the moment seems surreal, as I look into the person’s eyes. I find myself drawn into their stare, a moment where minds are shared. Have you ever had such a moment? Where circumstance seem so amazing, you never thought possible, the every surmounting question of the beauty of the mind. Appreciating it in its various forms.

When I see someone with drive, it makes me think so much about myself, and they are people whom I admire a lot, those who are focused, which makes me want to focus even harder, because there are people you want to succeed with, to achieve your dreams with, to make it happen. Life’s like a constant struggle with ourselves, to find what drives us, what makes us get up everyday and say, let’s do this, lets get the best possible result.

Every morning I wake up, thinking that its time to get that A again, and this time and even better victory than before, surpassing what I did before. When I am in it, when my mind focuses, it’s like a hurricane inside my mind, where everything just spins around at such a fast speed, and the little superman inside my head just picks out the necessary information and puts it out.

In that moment where everything is being thought, if you were look into my eyes, and could see what I see, you’d see the aspect of my drive, what makes me keep going, what makes me want what I want. And that allows me to accomplish what I came to do.

Looking at someone I got to know most recently, I found that she’s someone who has a drive far better than I had when I was her age, her mental focus is something that I truly am in awe of, she can smile even in hardship, and can handle almost anything thrown at her, not to mention, her strong desire to succeed, to accomplish in anything she does, in some aspects, I can see in her the reason why I came to RP, I am here to succeed. Whenever I see her smile, I can’t help but smile too, cause she’s the type of person who can brighten up the whole room with her smile, and I’d say if I got the chance to work with her in class, I would be extremely motivated, and even without the chance, the way she is already motivates me to do even better, I feel that in terms of conviction I have for my work, it just went from super high, to a magnitude beyond it.

I can remember the times in my life, I felt like quitting, when I just wanted to break down and cry, give up and just go do something else, but by not giving up, I always learnt something out of it. Whenever I gave up on something, I found that I never really learnt anything by giving up. At my age, I realize even more than I have no time to fail, or to even give up on anything, because what I’ve got in my life is a blessing, and that I have been fortunate for such circumstances.

Furthermore, all the times I had to push myself, to bring myself to the next level have made me a stronger person, all the experiences in my life aid me in my daily work, which I am truly grateful for. Like I’ve said so many times before, I have no regrets for what I have done in my life, for every bit of it makes me what I am today, from my mannerism, to my way of thinking. Without my experiences I would be a different person, and so many things would be different. It makes me glad that there is no whatifs when it comes to the people in my life, for example, “what if I continued Uni? What if I went elsewhere?” Everyone I’ve gotten to know through the course of my actions would be gone, and I would not want that, because these people make a difference in my life, and I learn so much from them.

I wonder what my life would be like if they weren’t in it? To me it would be a tremendous loss, without them, so much of what I appreciate, the precious moments shared, the thoughts conveyed and smiles exchanged, without these people so much would be lost.

Especially the people, who give me my drive, inspire me to become even better. And not to mention make school more fun, and a place I enjoy spending my time at, without them, it would not be as fun, school wouldn’t be school without these people. These people who are the driving force behind what I am, they are the ones I should thank, the ones I should appreciate, because without them, I’d have missed out on so much.

Falling into the moment where the rhythm breaks,
I find myself counting down to the sequence,
Reaching out to cover the void between,
I pull you closer to me.

Look into my eyes, as I look into yours.

The rush of thoughts behind our eyes,
Like a torrent of emotions,
Pulling you towards me,
I lean forward to connect.

A true of sense of reality,
Like a telepathy,
Of the moment shared.
-Sharing of a precious moment

2008-04-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

Reaching for the glass of life

Our choices are worth gold,
In order to rise, one must be bold,
Where our fears have no hold,
Of what has been told.

Stand up and make the decision.

Because situations always change,
So we must listen carefully,
Or else we may miss the symphony,
This is the music of our life.

Don’t break the tune.
-Tune of life.

When I look at what I’ve written in the past, I realize the pages stretch beyond something so vast, even my patience to read would be tested to read it all, which reflects on how much time I’ve actually spent writing these articles. My total blogs stretch to the number of four, one I’ve retired, two which are private, and this one, my public one. In total I’ve written about 71 posts including this one. Each of the articles on this one is at least a thousand words long or longer, and thinking back, I wrote nearly as long or longer for each article in my other blogs, starting with my very first entry on the 12th of May 2004, entitled Heart of dreaming. This is the very first poem that I posted on a blog.

A crack of a knuckle,
The sea breeze blowing against my face,
I look across the vast blue ocean,
I behold a vision,
A dream of dreams,
I would weave the tapestry of my life,
Creating my own destiny,
Despite living in a world that is unjust,
Where its hard for us to trust,
Where we are borne of lust,
We turned to rust,
And then to dust.

The poem holds no title, because back then I never titled the poems in the blogs, it was later on in my blogging that I added the titles. The very last poem I wrote on that blog was titled funeral.

As I heard the music of the funeral band,
I reached out for her hand,
only to stumble and be lost.
As the first drop came,
an endless pour,
caught in a world of endless doors,
I began to cry, and then a hand grasped mine.

I was out of my daze,
and I was met with many a gaze,
I heard the speech of praise,
from a priest of heavenly grace,
The hearts had been bled,
The tears were shed,
At the end of everything said,
I said my goodbye as I cried in my bed.
-funeral

It is perhaps the most fitting poem to write for a final blog post, it was a time when I there were many changes in my life, but I had written that poem long before I posted it, it is dedicated to an old friend of mine who died when he was young, at the age of 15, someone who had so much going for him. I salute to the lost. I had stopped writing articles for more than a half a year after that blog till I started a new blog to continue my writings, eventually I started this blog which leads up till this latest post.

It has been four years since I began blogging, looking back at my old posts, I can see the evolution of my writing styles. For these 71 posts including this one, each had a poem or more, which made me wonder how I wrote all those poems, to me I find it quite a large number, of which I realize I can no longer remember all of them by heart due to number I have written. It makes me ask the question whether these poems are really that special, if I have written so many.

As I think harder about this issue, I reflect on how I felt when I wrote this poems, and for most I could frankly say I wrote them from pure inspiration using my emotions and reflections of the past, only a few were a little forced, during the times I was in a rut, sometimes its just so hard to write a poem when there is no inspiration.

And for the times when I could write often, it was because I had a muse, which provided so much inspiration, it was often breath taking, causing my mind to dance in words in an ocean of emotions that made me feel incredible, it was at those moments where I enjoyed writing most. I look forward to finding a new muse, to write in such a manner again. I’d say one of the greatest joys in my life is working with a muse, who influences my poetry greatly, and to a certain extent the novels I write. I don’t write novels as much as I used to, but I do intend to find the time to continue writing again.

Right now, I am more focused on achieving my dream which is so real and within in my grasp, like the glass of life that is full of richness. The past week has been especially good in which I achieved what I wanted, which was having the perfect performance for the week. I’d have to attribute part of the reason why I had even more focus during the week was because of the day before.

I had walked from my house to botanic gardens to sit for an hour by the pond where a pair of black swans were, to read a new book I bought, entitled “The monk who sold his Ferrari” Although I only read for an hour and have yet to finish the book, I found it meaningful and insightful which gave me a lot of insight and determination. I’d elaborate more, but perhaps until I’ve finished reading it, I shall not talk more about it. I look forward to going down to pond again and reading tomorrow. An hour a week, makes a big difference to me, away from my home, away from everything, no responsibility, just a half an hour walk there, an hour of reading by a pond drinking light coke and just taking in the beautiful scenery, and of course walking back. I’d say it is something I’d look forward to doing every week, just me, a book and drink by the pond, alone to read and reflect, and my feet and sandals to take me there and back.

It’s in these activities, where I contemplate the most, which I can refocus my energy, after a week of having to work with people regularly, coming up with new ideas, researching and presenting daily, just two hours of personal time where no one could disturb me, where I was free from stress, made a difference to my week. Perhaps I’d recommend it to others, but not everyone would find it fun walking in the afternoon sun, let alone reading. One thing I know, it is for me, and it makes a difference to me.

I wonder if I could share these moments with someone, and whether it would be different. Perhaps a whole different experience, and if it was to be shared, it should be no more than one person, I’m the type who only likes the company of one person and no more, where I can give my full attention and focus to that person, but even then, I’d say it would spoil the whole significance of taking that time aside, because that time aside has to have absolutely no stress whatsoever, because when I’m totally alone, no one to interact with, no one else to consider but myself for that point of time. I’d say it’s something that I don’t get often enough. A true reprieve. The time to really appreciate the glass of life I’m holding.

The thoughts tear past the skin,
From tongue to the ears,
Where it breaks through walls,
Which causes the tears to fall.

Remember, remember the words of surrender.

Of the exchange,
The reason,
And what was fought.

Remember, remember what it brought.
-The rhyme of reason.

2008-04-19T08:51:00.000-07:00

Where we become

Hold your breath and grip on tight,
As we rush pass the fences of light,
The dream we’re living is so bright.

We’re asking for more.

Letting ourselves become so bold,
All those before us will fold,
Our actions are worth more than gold.

Break yourself from the line.

It’s time to open the gate,
Let us reach out towards the final date,
And Jump forward to meet our fate.
-Rising tide

Into a new beginning, where the world seems so different, so new, so invigorating. I find myself taking in the sights and sounds that overwhelm my senses. The energy of youth is amazing, it makes me feel like I’ve just been reborn. I find myself reaching out for so much, looking forward to so much more.

School, has been good, its constantly new problems given to solve followed by group work and presentations. I never really found anything to really challenge and improve myself on a regular basis till now. Till this foundation which tests me for what I am.

Everyday has been a test of one’s ability to think and organize one’s thoughts, and at the same time present oneself in a manner which exudes composure and confidence, in order to captivate the audience in the most effective manner. The need to lead and motivate others comes into play more than ever, the need to become an effective and powerful leader. So much of what I’ve learnt throughout my life comes into play, from my time on stage, to my time debating with some of the smartest people I’ve met in my life to all the books I’ve ever read, the shows I’ve watched, games I’ve played. The actions, reaction and decisions made are a culmination of the very presentations I do everyday.

My interactions with my group members, constantly guiding them to pull out their every potential, it brings out both the friend and teacher in me, something I rarely had before, most of which were experiences I had from guidance in drama and in Thailand where I taught English. The constant change of variables, having to work with new problems everyday, and different team mates each day tested my ability to analyze each member and problem to best formulate solutions to it all, from which I gained more experience on handling and working with people, to improving my thinking and organizing skills on a daily basis.

I find that the most rewarding moments of the day are when the presentation comes, and you see your members give their all and accomplish they never thought they could and my own part where I captivate my audience and teach for that short period, conveying what I understood and learnt, always honing my presentation skills to become even better.

Looking at everyone around me, I feel the want to bring everyone up higher, to rise with me, like a rising tide that would become unstoppable, perhaps even to the point where the best students come from my class, to become the best, to become leaders.

This is what I wrote earlier, it was meant to be a blog post, but I never really posted it, this is part of it:

The voices rise in a deafening sound,
Sensing the despair all around,
I bring my knees to the ground,
Hoping that at the last moment faith can be found.

It’s too late to find it now.

The words that leave my lips are silent,
The sincerity filling every thought,
I take a deep breath in,
As a sense of calmness fills my mind.
- A moment’s thought.

Where for that moment I’d dream, and see a face that I never paid much thought to, appearing in it, and somehow despite the lack of significance in my life, that person seemed to have a great impact in that dream. I wake up confused and wonder why such a thing occurred. Was it a reflection of the past I might have overlooked?

Looking at others, I often see a hint of my past in them, not in that there were involved in my past, but part of their lives were similar to mine, which allowed me to empathize more with them. Looking into their eyes, I can almost feel a connection, but then again, not everyone would allow me to see all of it. One would have to get to know the person better before such a strong connection could occur.

For the first week, I suffered from flu and fever, during each day of school, but I managed to give it my all, because I was motivated to succeed even it meant suffering. I was forcing myself into full focus during every presentation itself, in order to present in the best form. For myself, I did suffer from this forced state of control where I showed no sign of illness for a short period of time and for that moment, felt normal. I lost quite a bit of weight in that one week. My jeans went from a just nice fit on Monday, and then being loose by Friday.

I realize it was reckless for me to do such a thing, but it also tested my motivation and focus at the same time, proving my desire and dedication to succeed. This is what I told myself, “I am not here to fool around; I am here for total victory.” Total victory is doing my very best to achieve the best possible score. This would mean aiming for a perfect GPA, or something close to that. I have a goal, a dream, a desire, a commitment.

Into the second week, my members have become even better, having more confidence and better focus which allowed them to produce even better work than before, which reflects the very energy of youth which can be honed to improve and learn. I envision being able to achieve my goals with them; for without them, I could never reach my goal, they are the ones who are to be credited, and I am also responsible for helping achieve that goal too. Together, we’d all climb the ladder and reach for the heavens.

A smile and a laugh for the day,
A moments past of us standing,
Waiting for each other’s grin,
Basking in the rays of the sun.

Is there something to confess?

We’re jumping across the fence,
Our thoughts hindered by no cage,
But we’re not lost at all,
We’re all on the same page.

Where are we now?

Our dreams are our energy,
Where hopes hold sway,
And our actions come into play,
Come let’s go together.

Tomorrow’s a brand new day.
-Where we become.

2008-03-31T06:43:00.001-07:00

The Traveler

As the drops of rain fall on my face,
I turn to look at the figure in the distance,
It seems to vanish as if a shadow in the light,
I look up to see the darkness.

The cold breath escapes me.

The constant moments of silence remind me,
Of the times I have been alone,
And the times I would be alone,
Do I fear being alone?

I fear my actions will never be seen.

Of the tear that drops down my cheek,
It’s hidden by the drops of rain,
I let my expression on my face drain it,
Letting my emotions take it away.

As much as my soul can take.
-The lone traveler.

I reach into my jacket pockets to feel what’s inside and keep my hands warm at the same time as the cold wind brushes against my face. The cold rain patters with different intensity throughout my journey. Walking the roads of royalty names, I realize it’s the path where I reminisce a lot where I can stow away my interaction skills and just be a traveler, taking each step and contemplating about my life, and not being affected by others.

I notice a few angelic eyes drifting towards my direction throughout the journey, sometimes turning all the way to follow my every step, as if to judge and love me at the same time. I continue on my travels, unfaltering in my steps, neither slowing nor speeding up. Taking deep breaths from time to time, I imagine the moments of my life where I was at my happiest and when I was at my saddest combined.

And in my silence, I hear my voice all the more clearly in my head, knowing that it speaks without distraction. The welcoming eyes of those few seem inviting but I had not a single interest. I was a mute traveler for that moment. I was a lone dream walker who could only hear the voice of another dream walker. At those moments, I existed at the edge of reality, closing myself to the world and listening to my ipod that was safely protected inside my jacket, from the pollution of the world, the wet and cold.

But there were moments where people just faded away too, and the pathway just expanded before me, like a path to the beyond, covered with fallen leaves and continually becoming coated with the leaves that fall slowly down from above me. Like an autumn in its full beauty, full bloom. As the wind blows across, I feel the leaves just drift pass my face and I find myself spellbinded by the simple beauty of nature. The smell of the leaves of the floor was refreshing at the same time, and when I finally reached the dark gate with two white washed pillars, I realized that it marked the end of my journey.
-nawK

I’ve looked at the paths of my life which my soul had taken, and I find that there were moments it was about to break, from some invisible pressure that I had asserted on myself. Sometimes it’s hard to draw a line as to how far I’d explore each possible path, but at the end of the day, I always get fixated by a particular path in life, where I focus much on.

It’s been more than a month since I wrote, of which I have experienced much. Through much time alone spent walking the world I live in. Journeys far and close, revisiting old paths I had walked and taking in the world around me and enjoying some of life’s simplest pleasures. I know many people can’t imagine just walking for hours on end, but it’s something I just enjoy doing greatly. Many a moment I thought to myself, how far have I walked? Only to tell myself, I will walk even further than what I’ve walked now. My current sandals have easily covered three hundred kilometers by now, and hopefully another three hundred more and beyond.

As for my very own legs, how much distance have they covered? Has anyone every wondered how much they’ve actually walked with their own two feet? No cars or bikes, just with your very own two feet. How much distance have you covered so far in your life? I could say I’ve traveled thousands by now by the age of 21 [I’ve done the calculations, and had intended to write it out, but I deleted it because it just is something not worth even writing about] Imagine those who train for long distance running, imagine how much distance they would cover in their lifetime, provided they never got any serious leg injuries or ailments. I’ve done much long distance running myself, and I can say it’s an amazing feeling when it feels like your flying on your feet, like Hermes.

I miss running those distances, it allowed a freedom that I never had when I was younger. But now I have pretty much lost it due to the lack of training in running and my training in weights which have both brought about the increase in my weight that hinders my long distance ability. I hope to strive for an in-between of being able to weight train and to run long distances. But I know, that I could never be truly good at either if I did both, it would make me better than the average person, but never better than someone who dedicates him or herself solely in either in their choice of dedication. It’s hard to have everything, but I try to strive for a balance, hoping to succeed.

Remember, Remember,
The choices made are forever.

These are hurried times,
Finding the path to walk on,
As the world rushes by,
What will trouble the lot of us?

Is this how your life has felt?

How many of us live a lie?
Taking the pill of denial,
That takes your pain away,
Never mind it all.

Remember, Remember,
The choices made are forever.
-Remember

2008-02-05T07:06:00.000-08:00

Angel eyes

The sound of your voice still echoes in my ears,
Of words that I will never hear again,
Lost are the times where I would bask in your shine,
All that’s left is a sweet picture in my mind.
-Lost whisper

“Take a moment to empty your mind and close your eyes and breathe deep the air around you, and feel it fill you inside, and then let it out slowly as you feel the stresses of life escape as you breathe out.” That’s what I tell myself at the end of a day as I sit by my computer to think and contemplate, and taking a break to look out the window and pausing to relax. I find that it really helps to clear my mind, and ease the day’s stress away. Sometimes when things get rushed, we tend to forget about taking breaks, and that could often lead to a burnout.

Remember the time when we used to look into each other’s eyes,
Resting our heads on each other’s chest to hear the heart’s beat.
-Remember

When you feel the emotions welling up inside, you feel the urge to let it out, as if it’s burning inside you. As your vision begins to blur, you feel it coming in waves as if hit by a tide from an ocean of emotions inside yourself. And when you finally give in to that emotion, and let it all fall, you feel the emotions that caused it so deeply. Tears are precious, it represents the emotions inside that are overflowing out.

As the tears begins to well up in your eyes,
It catches the light as it flows out in precious drops,
I reach out my hand to catch its falling grace,
Holding you in my embrace,
To calm the expression on your face.
-Comfort

Everyone cries, no matter how much they try to put a brave front, eventually one day they cry. Be it out of joy or sadness, we all cry. I remember the times I’ve cried, when no one was there to see my tears, as I rested against the post of my bed and tear. Thinking about the times I’ve held someone who was crying. To comfort them, to give them my shoulder and my embrace.

It means a lot to have someone to cry to. However, as I think about some of the times I held a person when they cried; it was because of me, indirectly or directly. All I can do, once I made a person cry is to give them my comfort and apologies and try to make it up to them. I know that, it’s sometimes because of my temper or impatience when they make me upset, and that I should try to be more patient. It is always harder when that person means so much to you, because their every action towards you has an even greater effect on you emotionally than anyone else. That’s why people who I have been close to have the greatest ability to make me cry, because when they upset me, betray me or shun me, they affect me greatly. A loss of their relation would affect me deeply, of which makes me ponder deeply about why it all fell apart.

I guess that’s why those who cry because of me cry because my actions towards them affect them greatly because I mean a lot to them. A tear is precious, especially a tear shed for someone who was close to you, or is close to you.

Some of the hardest hitting was with close friends. Friends whom I could not imagine not speaking to when I was close to them, those people made me shed tears because I felt the pain very deeply. Especially when they were an important or large part of my life, where I devoted much of my time and attention to, giving them higher priority over others, and thus the more the invested emotion, the more painful the ending of the relationship. That’s why I have only a few close friends, and I do realize I expect a lot out of those close to me, but that’s because they are dependable and have been there for years. It is formed from deep respect and commitment to the point where I would be willing to risk myself even for their sake. To protect them or aid them, to be there as one should be as a close friend as they would for me.

So far, no one new to me has been able to withstand such a relationship yet, they all seem to fall apart after a while, no matter the amount of promise it might show in the initial start. I’ve had quite a few close relationships that had such a strong emotional bond that was formed quickly over a short period of time. But many of these bonds eventually fell apart after less attention and time was put into it, or an argument brought a standstill to all the conversations. To me a close friend requires a special bond. Such a bond requires a lot of patience, commitment and understanding from both parties. And with the way I am, I guess its not easy being a close friend, its easy to be an acquaintance, but a close friend? Step right up and see if you’re up to the challenge. Few have been successful so far. So few.

As the cold clear water is poured into the stained glass,
I look at the deep etches around the tip,
The water begins to turn a deep dark red,
As my lips touch the glass.

Show me the way to drink the glass of life.

We have no choice about how to do it,
Not a single path without stains,
Without shedding tears in the rain,
Or crying out against the pain.

Help me step out of my shadow’s embrace.

The crowd stares across the room,
Finding myself unable to complete the sentence,
The shadows begin cover the light’s ambience.
It seems like there no way to escape its vengeance.

There is no where left to hide but to face it.
-Glass of life

2008-01-19T08:49:00.000-08:00

Cradle’s Regalia

I bend down to tie my shoelaces twice,
Adjusting my dark trusted shades as I look behind,
Casting a shadow in the light that begins to fades thin,
I stare at the worn chains on my hands.

The moment when the clock strikes twelve.

A figure stands judging me,
From behind the looking glass,
It stands firm showing no fear,
It beckons at me,
Mocking.

The energy flows from my eyes.

I pick up the smoothed brick of my wasted time,
I look up at the sky and roar,
Bearing down the brick in my hands with all my weight,
As I fall to my knees I close my eyes.

I hear the breaking chains as I stand up.

The figure begins to scream,
I pull my hand backwards,
And with all my effort I send it forth,
Smashing through the glass.

It is done.
-Breaking the record’s song.

I close my eyes, as if from a view of a camera going 360 degrees around me, in one quick cinematic, from toe to head. With the wind blowing in my hair and me stretching my hands forward, there it is, freedom in form of a plaque, a thank you and the return of my identity card. The current record is broken, its time to play the next one. This record’s done.

And here I am sitting down, listening to music through my earphones and typing away, thinking about the two years have come to pass, from the moment I sat down in the chair and they took my identity, to create a new generic one, which crumbled within minutes of taking it, only to leave my real persona behind, It never touched me thoroughly, I don’t it would have changed me at all even if it were even more, but it did give me an insight to how many people actually were broken by the army so long ago. An old age ritual that many Singaporeans have and will continue to go through. A rite of passage of sorts, that only Singaporean men have the chance to understand because they went through it. Women have their own, and their first rite of passage as women starts way earlier than us in a certain way, I guess most would understand I mean, a nice way to call it, would be the crimson moon. It something men will never get a chance to understand, women might have the chance to experience what we get, if they entered the army and actually shaved their head. But I don’t think anyone has done it yet in Singapore army.

From the island camp to the hill of officers, it was a great change of scenery and not to mention location. The very entrance of Safti was something to behold, a smooth giant wall with the logo of Safti on it, the home of the officer cadets. Perhaps the most beautiful camp (People often argue with me to insist that I call it an institute, but it’s easier for me to just call it camp) in all the Singapore armed forces. It has a terraced garden that leads from the main OCS building down several flights of stairs down a hill to the cookhouse, that eventual brings you to a pond that is filtered from a fountain that is filled with many coy fish and two beautifully groomed trees on each side that grow on carpet grass. If it wasn’t a camp, it would have made an amazing resort.

The record has stopped playing, the music is finished, no need to run around scrambling for a chair anymore, no more calls in the middle of the night asking about military work, keys, information. Its time I put a new record on to play, and dance a new dance.

The fog that once was has cleared,
Leaving a vast field that had been left to fallow,
The blindfolded dance in the fog has come to end.

A ray of light hits my eyes as I remove the blindfold,
The music begins to flow around me,
I feel the movement in my feet.

With each sway to the beat I relearn a feat,
Remembering what it is like to believe in myself,
To reach my hand out to grab my dreams.
-The dance of dreams

After much afterthought, I’ve always contemplated what represents me and means the most to me. I thought of objects that represented me, which would be my regalia. Regalia are about someone’s insignia of office that is represented through objects such as shields, crowns, swords or even clothes, I see regalia as the insignia of my persona and true self. I’ve thought, what would be my regalia? Looking at my white oak bokkens, those were the first two objects that came to my mind, do they represent me? The wooden version of the katana, bokkens were meant to for training the art of using a katana without the dangers of a metal blade. The bokkens are aren’t harmless though, the durability of the Japanese white oak and design can be used to shatter bone and even kill, but is less deadly that a live katana that can cut through skin and even joints easily. For many samurai, their lives and spirits could be summed up in these blades, but I know I am no samurai of these times, but rather a Ronin, who is someone who follows no master and is not bound by laws. The Japanese translation of Ronin is “drifting wanderer.”

But are these bokkens truly my regalia? Do they represent me best? That was what I questioned. A close friend of mine would dispute it, saying that I do not represent the honor that is associated with the sword. Much of my skill with the sword is self learnt with guidance here and there from various people, one important thing I learnt was that the main thing about the sword is not simply about striking the sword with one’s hand, but rather, the sword’s power comes from the entire body’s movement, from step to stance and commitment of the move or block. The sword is a weapon that can be used to destroy, but it can also be a weapon that is used to protect, to preserve life. Thus, in using it to protect, you give life in a way. My bokkens represent my desire to protect and strength, they are definitely one of my regalia.

The next object I looked at was my 2003 leather composite converse basketball, which represents my pass passion for basketball, playing basketball recently, I realized that what I learnt from my sword art, could be applied in basketball, the game was simply the ball, it was about the entire ball affecting the movement of the ball. I never had such insight before, thus I would not consider the basketball as a choice of regalia. It was not a representation of me now, but it does represent my past, but its impact isn’t that great in my life. I hope to play basketball more regularly for many years to come, and hopefully reignite the passion within me and my close friends whom I used to play countless hours of basketball with.

The third thing I looked at was my book of poems. It contains my best work, handwritten in different colors. For me to hand write something would mean I truly like it and find it worth the time of me slowly writing it carefully in with maximum focus. The reason being is that I have terrible handwriting due to my hands being unsteady. I could never draw a straight line, and I even have problems drawing a straight line with a ruler. There is always a slight shiver, thus I normally always typed out my poetry, and I don’t write down very often. In order for the handwriting to appear eligible and even look alright, I have to focus very hard to keep my hand steady which often leads to my hand cramping if I were to write for too long. Thus, the keyboard is like a gift from the gods, a precious medium for me to weave my words into poetry, without the strain on my hands.

The cover of the book is a picture of sandman in a gold background, it was given to me by my brother as a Christmas present a few years ago. It’s something I treasure deeply, and it only contains a few poems, although I’ve written more than a hundred fifty (I lost count, this was the number perhaps a year and a half ago.) I only truly liked a few and fewer that I found worth writing into the book. Since the start of my secondary school many years ago, I started writing poetry that was used to express myself, and it became something more than just a simple avenue to express my feelings but an art which I came to appreciate and enjoy. It is definitely something that means a lot to me, and represents my artistic persona, it is to me definitely one of my regalia.

The bokkens and my book of poems are my two regalia, which I treasure greatly and keep with great care. The two items represents two sides of me, one side to protect and to strive to be a better person, and the other to create and express myself.

I say a quiet prayer on my knees in front my blade,
With my hands cupped around the handle,
I bow my head as the tears rain to the ground,
I ask for no forgiveness.

But I ask for the strength to wield my soul with conviction.

There is a chain tied round my waist,
It’s connected to a book of words,
In which represent my the voice of my soul,
It is louder than any word I have spoken.

From which my contemplations of condemnation leap out into reality.

As I wield my blade to protect,
I offer comfort to those,
In my dance of words,
A solemn embrace of the physical and mental.

Giving an ending which is a coup de grace.
-Cradle’s Regalia.

2008-01-10T07:23:00.000-08:00

From the edge

Holding onto the rope of a long forgotten sentence,
Where the words begin to fade slowly away,
Knowing that it is now beyond recall.

I’ve smoked the last stub from this pipe of dreams,
Letting it fill my head as the smoke slowly clears,
Where I rest against a cracked wall and look up at the sky.

A drop of cold dew lands on my face,
The drop slowly dripping down,
I open my scarred hand to catch its falling grace.

Evaporating like the evanescence of my dreams as it falls,
Reminding me of how many things have come to past,
How many things that are now long lost.

I close my palm gently on the evanescent drop,
Feeling my heart beating hard in my chest as I press the drop against it,
Breathing in the electric air and taking in the flair.
-Things to treasure.

A final moment in a cold room surrounded by no warmth, and the clock strikes twelve, and so begins the twenty first year of my life. I spent my final hour of last year in an operations room, serving my country one last time.

I pretty much have only two things left to do, say goodbye to my comrades and start the process of becoming a civilian once more. No obligation left to the military, but I guess I still have to serve the country one way another, in different forms, the price of citizenship. Most people who look back at their military service have much memories or memorable experiences, and I guess I’ve had plenty to see, experience and learn. That I am grateful for, though more money would have made life a lot easier. The pay was insufficient, it was enough to survive, but not enough to enjoy. Life wasn’t a luxury.

I can’t wait to go and work for a few months before school starts, actually earn a decent amount of money, meet new people, have a more mixed group of colleagues and add something new to my resume. I hunger for something new, something fresh. With the help of one of my closest friends, I’ll get it. I truly wonder what mediacorp has to offer, and I am up for the challenge to do it well. The next thing on my list of priorities (Besides money making) is to catch up more with my friends and get myself in more active sports. My basketball is kind of soft and underused, a 2004 converse that’s still in good condition, I guess I’ll pick it up once more, time to start with the basics, practicing my dribbling.

Taking a look at what basketball was to me, it was a sport that I took up in secondary school. To be truthful, I was never really good at it, but I enjoyed the sport, it was a lot of fun and I spent much of my secondary school time playing basketball. The reason why I started playing it was because of an anime called slam dunk which inspired me to play it.

Even though I did not have the skill, I made use of fitness to play, my advantage over most players was my stamina and jumping which despite my overweight body then and lack of height, was better than most average players. I’d have to thank my running for that, and crazy squatting and running with 30 to 40kg climbing gear up Bukit Timah hill.

Those were the days, when I pushed my legs all the time. I never trained my upper body much but focused so much on my running and lifting of weight. My legs were double the size they are now when I was sixteen which was the peak of my leg strength and mass. I’d say, I looked weird back then, having legs that were like a body builders with an upper body that looked so unfit. But it was amazing to be able to jump high and handle so much strain then. I felt like I could fly, I felt invincible.

If I were to compete with my younger self in terms of lower body strength, I would lose thoroughly through and through. Thanks to long distance running two years ago, a recent broken toe, lack of regular training during these two years, and more focus on my upper body, I’ve lost much of the muscle and strength I gained during that time. I do hope to regain at least most of that strength back, but with my condition, I don’t know I can ever train as hard as I used to back then. So much for this Clark Kent with kryptonite strapped to his back.

What advantage I do have now, is more knowledge on training effectively. The disadvantage is that I am not as driven as I used to be. I had zeal once, and I’ve lost much of it, I do hope to find it again once more. Till then, I have to rely purely on discipline and my desire to keep on improving myself.

My approach to life now is to follow a list of priorities, and having the discipline to achieve these priorities. Over the last few years, my path of life has changed quite a bit which now requires me to reset some goals in my life in order to know where my focus in life should be. The three things aside from my relations with people are studies, fitness and money, in order of importance, study being the most important.

The reason for this priority is time. Time is something that is most precious, and now that I am twenty, I don’t have a lot of time to waste because I am no longer considered a teenager but more of an adult, thus studies hold a large priority in my life. Fitness goes with my studies now more than ever because exercise will be the school of my study, thus they will go hand in hand.

Money, which is essential for many things, comes in various degrees of importance in terms of requirements. The bare essentials for paying for phone bills, transport and food to the moderate luxuries of clothes, games and entertainment to the extravagance of holidays and fine dining. Right now, before my school starts, I can afford to spend time earning money to perhaps cover some of my moderate luxuries, but it is of least importance because I will have more time than anything else to earn money once I am done studying, and most importantly not wasting time by doing well in my studies to prevent delays.

Looking back, it seems like only yesterday when I was sixteen, starting uni, it was such an alluring concept, early degree, faster than all my peers, even my female counterparts. But it showed my folly and immaturity because I simply scrapped through with what I needed, yes I left the course in decent standing, to get that certificate I surely would have gotten without a doubt, but was that enough? My parents expected more, and so did I, I guess I needed time to think about my life, on what I wanted to do with my life.

I still have the option of returning to uni, but I have found a different path I wish to take, and business is not what I want. My interests lie in sports and if it means going backwards to achieve what I want, I welcome it, because I’ve kind of missed out on experience of pre-uni. A new experience, a lesson to be learnt, a whole new world I’ve yet to touch, and definitely with a more mature mind than I had when I was sixteen. Four years on, with much more room for maturing and growing up still, I feel more prepared and determined to achieve the best. It’s time to spread my wings and fly once more. Free.

Within this river are oceans of unwashed thoughts,
I find myself constrained in these subtleties,
Sometimes I find myself lying down on its bed,
Looking up at the world in a construed view.
-Through the looking glass

2007-12-30T08:54:00.000-08:00

Where the pieces fall

A moment passed by me in the glimpse of a second,
On the road of an end I know not where,
Taking in everything from the cool air around,
I just want to run away.

So many things left untouched.

Where do I find my way back?
Would she be there waiting for me?
Running beyond the speed of sound,
Crossing borders and ignoring all bounds.

We broke so many laws of the world.

Pressured for a quick escape,
I find myself talking to the mirror,
It refuses to smile back at me,
The eyes cutting me.

I turn the lights off.

Falling to my knees and feeling the cool floor,
The dust moves from the fall,
Like a small cloud,
I scream back at the darkened figure before me.

I pick up a stone.

A ray of light shine through the curtains,
Onto to the cutting eyes like an impetus,
I scream at it as I prepare to throw,
A sudden jolt like lightning throughout me.

The shattering glass reveals the one who waited for me.
-The return

Welcome back, a long break from this place has left it rather old and untouched. A return to an old friend, a return to my mirror mask. The call like an impetus from an audience calling an actor back onto the stage, the burning desire to once more weave words that I’ve long since stopped due to unforeseen circumstances.

It’s been a month plus since my computer went down. And for the longest time, I’ve not written a single poem. With the failure of my motherboard, came the unintentional hiatus of my writing. My over reliance of a keyboard as my pen, and word document as my paper makes me realize, that my inspiration does get scribbled or penned out, it gets typed out, and not having a computer to work on when I have the inspiration kind of turns off my mood to write.

I am actually glad my computer is not working, because I no longer have the distraction of computer games, and online chatting which took up a large part of my daily time. The down side is, I don’t get to download new music and update my Ipod, and thus the music I listen to tends to get rather old. With the new time I gained due to lack of distractions, I had more time to go out, spend time with friends, read and enjoy more of the world around me.

I’ve experience much in my time away from my computer. Right now, I am in the very last stage of my national service, and don’t really have to go back to work anymore, except for a cohesion and the final clearance day when I become a civilian once more. No more threat of a detention barracks for this boy anymore, just plain old jail.

I’ve had a chance to see more of a world I never really saw, which gave me much insight to myself, and how certain people can be really outgoing and fun. A close friend told me not to deliberate so much, classify things and categorize everything, because when I did, I lost sight of the beauty of the object, person or event. Of course it’s rather difficult to get out of the instilled norms of society that have been wired in for years, it makes us categorize nearly everything in life. From sexual orientation to education and jobs. I try not to, but I still do, which makes it harder for me to truly judge a person without biasness. Almost all of us have this sort of biasness, no matter how we consider ourselves as unbiased when judging new people, we still categorize a person rather quickly and then make a judgment of them according to the category we placed them in.

I’ve met so many colorful personalities through this close friend of mine, who shared with me many of his life experiences that could relate to mine. I’ve seen so much that most people would normally not see or experience, which makes me grateful for knowing him and getting to be his close friend. If I had to describe him in simply one word, it would be peace, and to describe our friendship it would be amazing.

One of the notable personalities that I met through my close friend was Hossan Leong, an interesting and funny character whom I respect greatly in terms of his acting ability and wittiness on the go. I’ve had the chance to see him perform on stage a few times and heard some of the songs he sang which were posted on you-tube, their really funny.

Another notable person I’ve gotten to know more in my life is this girl whom I’ve met many years ago, only on an off chance (Breaking a toe and being bored at home kind of chance) Someone whom is one of the best conversationalist I’ve ever met in my life, thus being able to converse on hours on end without getting bored, and her similar interest in writing and poetry, and not to mention having a scary ability of predicting what the heck I am doing (That freaks me out, as if she might be spying on me) I’d have to say, she’s become one of my close friends in such a short time, a new person to share my thoughts with, and thus a exchange of thoughts, and a mash of intellectual conversation which I must say is nothing short of yum. Their like a delicious food for thought, which reaffirms that in this world, there are people to enjoy the beauty of the mind with.

Droplets form against the window,
Reflecting the light as it glows,
Rolling down the blinds slowly,
I see a face staring back at me.

Across to the other house.

The single light shining towards me,
She stretches out her hand,
The rain droplets land softly on it,
A sudden gust of wind blows her hair across.

She laughs gently.

Turning the knob of the window,
I push it open and step out onto the cold tiles,
My heart beats to a sudden pulse,
Knowing this isn’t just some simple wile.

The distance between us feels so real.

Shining the ray of light to show a path to walk,
Beckoning and guiding me towards her,
Towards the final steps,
The very edge.

A leap of faith.

I take in the cool damp air as I prepare to hold it.
Rushing forward in one long breath.
I cross the edge of my sanity,
To bridge the final jump.

Into her arms.
-Into her arms.

2007-10-30T00:39:00.000-07:00

Of things once broken

At a glance I saw what’s real,
I hope you’d listen to my appeal,
I’ve kept my lips closed with this seal,
Please stop time.

I wondered how much I would fare,
But I’ve held back for I did not dare,
As I worry for those whom I care,
Please don’t stare.

I fell to both knees in front of you,
I felt the grass beneath us two,
I wondered if you knew who,
What I had gone through.

A resonance.

Dizzy as I rested my head in your lap,
I left my writings laid bare,
Of the things I wanted to say and do,
Of the things I wrote.

I cried slowly.

I looked up and reached for your face,
Holding your hair that feels like lace,
As I was cradled in your grace,
Protected by your wings and comforted by your gaze.

All I wanted to do was to follow a path,
I never knew what fate I had cast,
The angels knew my draft,
That I’d never have enough.

Of you.

-Turn the lights off

The champagne bottle came ajar, from the top shelf of the wine fridge, as the bottles came crashing down, I reached out, catching what I could, and I caught almost all, except for one. The champagne bottle fell, and in my mind imagined it shattering into many pieces. It never broke, something else did. That something broke its fall, my littlest toe.

I had broken the bone in my little toe, and now I am once again on medical leave. Considering that the previous week I had a fever and I had been on medical leave for 4 days since the week before’s Monday, now I am on another 3 days since yesterday. I have yet to go to work for such a long time. I’ve never had so much sleep in my life, the energy is there, but the complications of my toe, doesn’t allow me to do that much. As I look out the window, at those who run by my house outside and I could not help but stop and stare. It’s been so long since I had a good run. I’ve lost so much weight due to being sick last week, so much that I increased the number of pull-ups I could do without training. For such a long time I had been stuck at twelve, now I am at fifteen, how astonishing to me it is. All this rest must be getting to me, and weight loss too.

Being stuck at home has been a bore, though I had a lot of time to work on my writings, plan my life and future, with the comfort of a twelve pack of light coke (I love light coke, it’s pretty much my favorite drink, not for the diet factor, but the taste and feeling, it makes me high!) I’ve become pretty restless. My close female friend visited me twice during this time, to keep me company, which I gratefully appreciate. A change of pace and someone to sit down and have dinner with, and with her ranting of her life to keep my day interesting. She also reminded me that I have not baked in a long time.

I realize I only bake when I am truly happy. I guess I’ve been alright, but I’ve not been satisfied with my life so far, only when I am truly contented, perhaps then I’ll bake once more. I do cook here and there, some pasta, some risotto, a baked fish, fried pork knuckles, it’s not that often that I cook though. The desire isn’t really there. I’m at the state where I am waiting for what I’ve planned out. Army doesn’t really put much purpose in and meaning to my life. Dota is not life, though its fun, it’s just that, its just entertainment. I want to feel achievement and purpose. Army will not have much impact on my future, and with it coming to a close, I am just waiting for the move, the transition which I’m wondering if I am ready for. Whether I am ready or not, I know I want it.

Well, till I’m contented, ginger bread men and peanut butter cookies will have to wait.

The moment of change feels so real, as much as my toe is really broken, I feel the change coming, the world slowing down in the last moments of this part of my life. This chapter is in its final paragraph, and the future plays I wish to do, the poems I am to write, the stories to conjure, the new chapter to begin. I’ve touched the parchment on which to write the next chapter, now is to prepare for its prologue. It makes me curious and excited about what I’ll get to learn and experience, the people whom I will get to meet and interact with. It feels so real, because it is.

I look through the tainted glass,
And see what has come to pass,
Of the commitments that never last,
Why did they end so fast?

Some choices were better than some,
Of all the things I wanted to say,
I wanted to feel,
At the end of tragedy.

I showed no mercy,
I sundered hearts with urgency,
To an extent of pure gluttony,
Was hurt the true currency?

And so the souls left broken,
In my wake I left then empty,
Only for them to return wanting,
I offer them no reprieve.

And when the shadows cast a cloth,
Covering the lights that are turned off,
Their tears dried like a dry cough,
There I find the revenge they sought.

I turn the lights off,
And close my eyes,
I let the glass fly,
And let myself come undone.
-A simple tragedy

Well the days where I left much broken souls in my wake is long past. I stare down at the shadows long cast, in the light, it casts one long shadow. I found that the past haunts are nothing to worry about anymore. The ghosts have given up, though perhaps not forgiven. I wonder if eventually the spirits will be laid to rest.

Was I wrong to be what I was last time? I lived my life, I betrayed no one, and I just lived it. Was that so wrong? And being true to myself, not lying to myself, and not to the other person who I was with, was that wrong? I questioned it several times myself, and each time, I knew that it wasn’t, I would never experienced what I have had if I did not. In which it makes culminates to what I am, for to me also learn what is it in life that I want. Would you know what you want straight away? I know I did not, I had to try, I had to see, I had to learn, I had to explore and experience.

Still, I can’t help how some people have reacted to ending of a relationship. As much as some people found it hard to let go, they turned to blame the other person. No matter how amiable or appropriate the circumstances. I guess some people will always victimize themselves, and in order to do it, they have to villanize someone, and I guess I had to be that one. So much for being their superman, now I am their Lex Luther.

The difference between them blaming me, and me not blaming them for anything, I believe in myself.

The journey seems so perilous,
I’ve reached the end of the Sabbath,
Surrounded from tyrants all around,
I create my path in this requiem of dreams.

Treading in this icy water,
Numbing the cold silence,
The waves hitting me gently,
As I close my eyes and see the dagger.

I cut my way through my demons,
To the summit of my destiny,
Where the angel of mercy resides,
The moment a coup de ceour.

Reaching for her,
I take her into my arms,
Spreading my wings,
Believing in myself.
-Believing in myself.

2007-10-25T09:08:00.000-07:00

Temperature Rising

Holding onto the feelings as I kneel on the ground,
Knowing that if things need be I’d apologize,
Before it’s too late.

Taking in all the words in a blinding heartbeat,
I hear the sirens blaring constantly,
I can’t make a sound.

Drifting away from the narrow lines,
I hear the cracks beneath the ice,
I breathe deep.

As I turn around,
The lights flash across the river,
The temperature is rising.
-Temperature Rising

I had fever a few days ago, and it was the most draining thing, 3 days on and off high fever where I had two distinct dreams. Today being the first day my head is clear, I spent the day recollecting, and reflecting about my dreams and I guess I felt like writing. In one of those dreams, I dreamt about meeting a group I met a long time ago who were biased against me before they even got to know me, due to someone bad mouthing me:

The jury passed its judgement long before the evidence was presented. It was too late, I did not need to say another word, or even apologize for being who I was. I turned to look at them with my hurt eyes; they did not acknowledge it the slightest bit. It was as if they were cutting me down with their cold stares.

Words of another about you can often crack the thin ice that everyone starts with when making new friends. People often make their judgements about a person early, and stick with that judgement. A prejudice, especially when someone else tells them something about the other. Positive comments help a bit, but negative comments often break the ice that everyone treads when meeting for the first time.

Those were the times in the past, I remember about such things, I have a personality that can make enemies without me knowing. Because often, those who don’t like me are quite two-faced, wearing masks in front of me, pretending to like me, acting as a friend towards me, but behind my back revealing their true dislike for me. These to me are the worst people I meet, but I’ve come to accept it as part of life. There will always be two-faced people, and I know there are people out there who I’d not like but not show it, and there are a few who I warn people about, from my various experiences with them. Thus, it can’t be blamed, we all work that way right? Some people may not like me, I may not like them, all of those who I’ve warned about are generally those with low EQ, not that I have high EQ myself, but I guess and hope I have relatively decent EQ. I think I’ve gotten better as I’ve gotten older, learning what are traits I posses that should be toned down or featured less except on certain occasions (I rather not talk about that today, perhaps another)

Another dream I had was about a time I had to say goodbye to a close friend who passed away a long time ago. Here is a poem I wrote a long while ago, as a tribute to him.

As I heard the music of the funeral band,
I reached out for her hand,
Only to stumble and be lost.

As the first drop came,
An endless pour,
Caught in a world of endless doors,
I began to cry,
And then a hand grasped mine.

I was out of my daze,
And I was met with many a gaze,
I heard the speech of praise,
From a priest of heavenly grace,

The hearts had been bled,
The tears were shed,
At the end of everything said,
I said my goodbye as I cried in my bed.

- Goodbye

When I wrote that poem, I felt every word bleed out from my heart, along with my tears, it is something I will never forget. He was young, and his death struck a loss in my heart, and it showed me the mortality in the world we all live in. Death can come at any time, to anyone. For him it was too early, and I know that no matter what I do, I can’t make a difference. It makes me feel so weak. I can’t change the past, I can’t change death.

What I can do, is make a difference in the lives of others who are still there. The very people I can reach out to, those whose lives I can still affect. That’s why, I intend to go far in life, achieve my goals and reach out to those who need help. With my very effort and money, I will directly help, and not with some organization that takes the money, stuffs it in a bank and takes out a fraction of the money to use to help people. Donating to a charity is like paying someone else to care for another, it’s so easy to pay, but are you truly affecting another person’s life?

Everyone has a limited time on this world, but it doesn’t mean they have to suffer. For those who are better off, more fortunate, they should reach out to help someone. Even just one person, it would make a difference. When someone who is blind who needs help to get somewhere, an elderly who needs help to carry something up a flight of stairs, teaching English to underprivileged children, when someone has fallen down, all these acts of charity make a big difference in their lives, even if it may seem small, it meant that there was someone there to offer aid, support, help. Although it may seem like one small act, you should remember, that every act is important because it affects the person you’re helping. Remember that every person you help has feelings too and, how much joy or ease you bring to their lives when you help them. I guess that’s why I help, I want to make a difference, and I want to affect people’s lives in a positive manner, even if it may bring a perceived inconvenience, I find that its better to help the person in need. Don’t donate to an organization where volunteers reach out for you, reach out with your very own hands.

From everything that is given,
Of the trust emplaced upon,
I cross the line once again,
Pushing you wayward.

Sometimes I find things ajar.

Broken glasses across the floor,
Scented candles lay beside me,
The wind rushing through my hair,
On my shirt there is a tear.

Wearing the past long torn.

Memories of times of lust,
Long since the dream’s bust.

Of the times I’ve felt guilty,
Fallen into a place,
Where you cannot follow me,
I close my eyes and pray.

Please let me stay.
-Calm

2007-10-10T08:15:00.000-07:00

When I write

Where the words have fallen,
Of the thoughts left separated,
I hear her voice in my head,
The image replayed a thousand times.

The odds are stacked.

Faded into the shadows,
Memories of the dream,
Winds of fate had blown past,
Leaving a void so vast.

Hallowed dreams.

The importance is long forgotten,
Yet secondary to none,
I reach for the shadow,
Why have I lost it?

A troubled soul.

A being I had left sundered,
Dreams of which I had plundered,
Broken,
Ethereal.

Nobody sees her.

I reach my hand out,
To undo my faults,
To untie the knots,
To break the chains.

To set her free.
-Free

“Where we stand”

It was late, I had taken a ride from a friend who dropped me off at a place that was further from the destination that we started from. I felt slightly sore about the choice I had made about following his car, in a hope of getting home faster, and where I got off, had no bus to my place. So I had a good ten minutes walk to the bus stop that I needed to go to. I had just begun to discuss over the phone with my friend over some important topics.

Across the road there was a man in dark glasses walking with a stick, as I crossed it, I saw he was about to cross and he was rather hesitant, and so I asked him if he needed help. The man was blind.

Ending the conversation with my friend, I forgot about my bus, though there was a slight feeling of being late scratching at me, I knew that the man needed help, and I was there, and one should never wait for another person to help a person in need. Many people suffer from the inactions of others.

And so I stretched my arm forward when he reached out. And so he explained to me where he needed to go. He had to cross the road to take a bus, so I took him across to the bus stop, and just as I was about to leave him there after helping him, I saw him asking blindly at the bus stop for someone to help him with looking out for the bus. I saw the people at the stop simply stare at him, without uttering a single word, they simply look frightened. So I turned back to tell the people of his condition, and the bus he needed to take. Immediately, two girls agreed to help, I could see their uncertainty over the whole situation before I stepped in to tell them.

Most people don’t know how to react, and often they are often frozen in their actions. Leaving the man in their care, I proceeded to cross the road again, realizing that I had increased my walk from 10 minutes to fifteen. Despite the increase in the distance, I felt that I rather walk the fifteen than let the man suffer the danger of crossing the road since he was blind, and I shuddered to think that he was all alone, traveling around, in a world where people were often apprehensive and reluctant to help, he was willing to take a chance that there will be people to aid him.

As I walked to the bus stop, I thought about my helping the man, the short conversation we had, I had introduced myself, and the silliest thing I did was point at where we had to go, when he could not see. I felt stupid, but I realized that I was inexperienced with helping a blind person, and I could only imagine how stupid I looked when I talked to the blind man and pointed at things at the same time. Who was going to see but me and the rest of people? While the intended person could not.

His trust in me, was strong, as he gripped my arm firmly and followed my every step, not hesitating when I brought him along. It was quite a distance to take him, it was a pity I’d never get to know him any further. And would he remember me? I don’t think so, maybe he’ll remember someone helped him across the road to the bus stop, but will he recognize me? The voice of that person? I did give him my name, but then that was it, in the world we live in, despite how small it might be, is vast enough. I don’t think I’d every get a chance to know that person, to know more of his world. A world without vision, but heightened sense of hearing, taste and touch.

I wish I could have gotten his contact, and perhaps learn about his experiences. It is a world that I would never want to experience, but it’s something I’d like to learn more about, so that I might understand them better in order to help them more.

“Competition”

As the sun bore down on me, as I looked up at the sky, the heat warmed me greatly, the feeling of where I was, reminding me that there was much to do in my life, many plans still left incomplete. At the poolside, a friend asks me to race across to the other side. The challenge reminded me of when I was younger, when I would be the one challenging. Here I was, being challenged, and so off we went. I won that race, like many that I have done, but then again, there was always someone who was better, so most of the people I raced were not better to begin with. If it was a large competition with many competitors, I’d usually end up second.

Why second?

As I ask myself that question, and now that I write it out, I feel that I commit much of my mind to the task, but at the last moment, there would usually be a slight doubt, even if it was just for a split second, it often would cost me the win, and I end up second. I could say, I’m quite used to second place by now.

So when do I get first? Usually when the actual no.1 isn’t there. So every victory in that event or sport, when I am the first, I feel that it’s not worth the win because I never competed against the best.

If only there was never a sense of doubt. I know I can control my feelings a lot, and remain calm, but a small slight insecurity tends to creep up especially against an opponent who is stronger, many of which will never sense and I can still win, but those that do, capitalize on it, and those tend to be the ones who rise to the top.

Defeat your opponent not only through your strength, but also through his weakness. That’s how I compete, I analyze my opponents, or the people I compete with.

And there I was, after that race, on the other side of the pool, my friend wanted to race again, but I was tired, and I would rather reflect about what I was thinking about during that race. I was not thinking of winning it, which was I usually thought of most of the time during competitions, but rather about the past and how I was like then, so much went through my mind as I swam.

And for a while I realized the most important thing, the thing that causes the moment of doubt, when I was serious, I never really enjoyed what I was doing, and I’d become too critical of my actions, and others, thus when the slightest mistake occurs, it creates a snowball effect which I often can never get out of. I normally never let that happen, but against the best, its never smooth sailing, the true test I guess, is to get back from the losing end.

That’s something I’m very weak at. It’s easy to dominate an opponent, but to turn being dominated to becoming the winner is probably the hardest thing. Something I must learn, and not be over critical about what I do, and remember that I am not simply just there to win, but to enjoy myself, and do well.

And so here I sit, the evening after the race, thinking about my reflections and realizing more about how I live my life. It is important to see the direction I am headed, and not fall short of what I am doing. Enough of being second, in fact, its time to stop thinking of me ending up as second, and getting the task done.

Perhaps I have fallen short, but training myself to overcome a situation when the odds are stacked will make me much stronger. Of which I can apply to my life.

As I reach out to feel the silver wings,
I seek to fine out the divine plans,
Holding onto what is most precious,
Knowing that nothing more can be true.

Of the hope.

It is through her eyes I am seeing through,
A reflection of the time spent,
Having faith in the both of us,
For our choices in life are for two.

Life is so brittle.

So many paths to choose,
With so much left to lose,
Our fate is such a fragile thing,
Which needs special handling.

Of the things I’ve put you through.
-Silver wings.

2007-09-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

For that moment past

Sometimes I wonder about the shadows long cast,
And during those moments everything returns,
Like flashing light moving at the speed of sound,
The emotions come spilling as if to drown.

At that point of time I’d drop my knees to the ground.

Caught in between the blur of memories,
My head swirls with the flow of the moment,
I think of the faces in my past,
The eyes that once flowed with lust.

Forgive my faults, for I left it unrequited.

With the beat of her heart,
I remember about the moments shared,
The sound of her voice in my ears,
I look back into those eyes.

I saw something broken.

Try as I might to mend the tear,
It was there even before I began,
It was not mine to fix,
Neither was it mine to make.

The frustration as the words never touched.

The subtleties of her actions,
Destroying me slowly with her trust,
I lean against her one last time,
And whisper into her ear.

Goodbye.
-Times long past

I was blind once upon a time, I could not judge as well as I could, I could not see myself through her eyes then, but now I can. I guess I meant a lot, but what am I to do? I made a choice, I tried, but the conversations went dry. And nothing was left to carry it on; I did not feel the love. The realization that there wasn’t love to begin with.

Now that’s quite a while ago, I pray to this day those eyes of lust have calmed and have been requited by someone else. I learnt a very important lesson long before that incident, and that was I had to be true to myself. A person once told me about relationships, “It was just the shades of grey in life, the inbetween, that long lasting relationships never lasted on love, sure it may have started on infatuation that felt like love, but after the infatuation was long gone, after the lust had been cleared, the eyes would see nothing else, and for it to work that had to be a common idea, a sort of agreement between two people to take care of each other. People could never live off love, but rather responsibility as a couple.”

When I think about it, I don’t really agree with that. Even after infatuation is gone, it doesn’t mean love has to go. If you like the person, you have to like that person for what they are, every detail of them, their feelings, manners and actions. If the choice was made simply on the way they looked or their status, then of course there would not be love to begin with. It’s still possible to find love that way though, but when the infatuation and lust is over, you begin to see the person for who they are, and if you don’t like what you see, then I guess you wouldn’t love the person.

Love, requires one to really be able to want to be with the person, past the infatuation, past the lust, past the image of being with someone, its about actually about wanting to be with that person, that smile, that manner, that person.

I once wrote a long time ago, as a prologue for a story, my definition of true love. It’s changed slightly along the way, but remains mostly the same, here is a part of it:

“ True love, how does it happen? Love at first sight? I do not really believe in such things, for even when you look into the eyes of the person, and see their emotions within them, it is like a story without a start or ending. No matter how much you judge a person by their looks, you cannot tell what they are truly like, until you have been with them. For me, I judge women like a bottle of wine, the appearance of the bottle maybe attractive or seductive, but you can never know what its like or whether you would love it until you have tasted its contents. The contents are the women’s true self, her personality and her essence. A woman can be sweet or sour, strong or mildly pleasant, intoxicating or weak. She could have a great after taste that leaves you wanting for more, she could make you addicted to her. Addiction, the start of infatuation, that eventually leads to love. To me, infatuation is the part and parcel of life that eventually leads to love or rejection if it is given the chance. And like wine, women can get better with age or become the sour vinegar that would be undrinkable. It depends on her, she is the one who defines how she ages and changes. If she becomes better with age, her beauty is more enhanced and her personality becomes more refined.”

The original was written during my O levels, when I was sixteen. Over the years, I’ve added new lines or changed a few words. Most of it however, is the same as before. The title of the story is crying angel, in all, I wrote three chapters. I had planned to write a total of twelve chapters to finish my first novel.

I never finished, till this day I don’t think I’ll find it till I find the muse that allows me to complete that story. Till then, I’ll write other stories, and of course more poetry. A poem for my thoughts, a line for my emotions, every word representing my life.

Haste overcomes us,
Stay for a moment,
I look out the window.

When do we arrive?

I feel your goodbye,
As we chase our lives,
To where the path returns.

Where did we begin?

I listen to the whispers,
Where the emotions rise,
Where the souls divide.

For time does not lie.

When the sleep returns,
I hope to see your smile,
To see if the truth is there.

Looking at the void between.

So many excuses heard too often,
Cold as we are left standing around,
So much left unspoken.

So much to say.

-For that moment.

2007-09-10T08:06:00.000-07:00

Reality Surge

Volatile the circumstance on this window sill,
Yet the urge to tamper with it,
To see what is on the other side,
Breathe in the air.

A face appears at the window.

As I look into her eyes,
The exchange of our expressions,
Like telepathy,
She beckons to me.

The passion is so divine.

Her hand gestures like a dove,
The words mouthed filled with sweet returns,
Yet with all its clearness,
There is such a veil of mystery.

The attraction undeniable.

The hot breath from her lips,
Placing her hand on the glass,
It seems to melt it away,
For a moment.

Our hands touched.

She pulls away beckoning me to come,
I feel drawn towards the beyond,
Into the shadows that lies behind her,
With her.

I turn the lock,
As the cold wind blows,
Cutting my eyes as I try to look forward,
A hand reaches out before me.

I feel no trust.

Closing the window,
Turning my back,
She rushes to the window,
I reach down for the brick.

Some windows were never meant to be open.
I pull my hand back slowly,
She screams at what I am about to do,
I know what was needed,
I let myself go.

Some windows were meant to be broken through.

The lines were written between the latitude,
Shrinking into the darkness,
Not wanting me to see,
Revealed for what she is.

For only at the edge of reality can I recover my sanity.
-Reality Surge

Where does a choice begin and a decision occur? All the while, in my life, the choices I’ve been presented with were spread far and wide. The very one’s placed in front of my face seemed like the most obvious choices, yet in the end, I chose something else, something that I felt was right.

Sometimes, when someone is given choices, many people try to influence their decision, to the point, it can be hard to think. I’ve seen all my friends stuck in similar positions as me, and the choices they make are often heavily influenced by what people think they should do, rather than what they feel they want to do. For the decision to be made, I’ve had time to think, to decide, I didn’t rush, but most of my friends never took the time. Some do regret their decisions, and bear grudges against those who influenced them, but in the end, it’s not those people’s fault, it’s theirs for making it. Unless they were forced, the choice they made was theirs.

My older sister wanted to do theatre studies, she was well suited for it, an arts student in junior college who was in the debates team, represented Singapore overseas and did drama at the same time for the ACJC drama company. She had just gotten her results, and applications for universities were to be made. My parents did not condone what she wanted to do, rather they tried through active persuasion and long debating to convince her that she would be better off going to study hotel management in Switzerland. Fast forward six years later, she got a degree from one of the top hotel management schools in the world and came back to Singapore to work for my parents. Being the eldest, I guess she felt obligated, and influenced to do the degree which ultimately brought her back to the family business. I guess she is fine with the job she currently has, and she has the drive, though she gave up her passion for acting to do what was considered the responsible choice, she made her decision.

As for me, I was at that path, between the responsible choice which was my parents believe I should do and the choice of me doing what I wanted. At that point, I did not really know what I wanted, so I took the responsible choice. Fast forward two and three quarter years later, in national service which was a break from the responsible choice, I found that it wasn’t what I wanted. I was fine with it, but it was not what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted something more.

The responsible choice I had made was doing a bachelor degree in business. It was a general degree, which would allow me to apply for many different office jobs, but it did not specialize in anything either than managing a business or people. What I wanted was more than that, I know business is practical, but what I wanted was something that involved the body. The decision I had made, was a degree in sports and nutrition. It was something that fit in to what I have enjoyed so much in my life, my interests. The love of sports, fitness and good nutrition. My love for keeping fit and cooking culminated with my desire and drive to learn new methods of exercise, the reasons and science behind it, the techniques that suited a person and nutrition that was best to reach a certain goal. It was something I knew I wanted to do for my life. Thus, the decision was made.

The time I spent in the army, had given me the time and chance to reflect on what I want to do with my life. Thus, I decided that what I wanted was feasible, and responsible, so I set about convincing those around me about it. Thus, I influenced the others who were supposed to influence my choice. Now, I await the moment, to move forward and live that choice. A future I look forward to, and must prepare rigorously, perhaps it’ll satisfy all the desires I have in life, and maybe it may not, but the most important thing was it was a decision made by me, after careful thinking.

Now the shadows of my life are stretching behind me, and now facing the start of the bridge, I see much to be climbed, of which I am enthusiastic about, one which I will meet with full vigor. And when I am done crossing that bridge, I look forward to seeing what is there on the other side.

Her hope swirls downwards,
The feeling of draining away,
Wishing for a pill,
To take her pain away.

To escape.

Fallen into the shadows,
A hint of her warmth remains,
Feathers lay upon the floor,
Closing her eyes as if to shut out the world.

A crimson drop falls to the floor.

The shadows begin to fade,
Clinging on to her own,
She wishes not to be seen,
To not be judged.

The world can be cruel.

A streak of warmth strikes her face,
Turning to the person reaching out,
A hand stretched out before her,
Her eyes can’t see past it.

She is unsure.

Borne into a world so cold,
Memories of pain,
Given empty promises,
People’s hidden agendas.

Finding it hard to trust.

From a time long forgot,
A slow sonata of old,
Of unrequited desires,
Of dreams long lost.

He holds her hand.

She feels as though she is falling,
Yet she finds herself rising,
She opens her eyes to the world,
A world of possibilities.

2007-09-03T07:42:00.000-07:00

Where the pieces be

Where I stare to now,
Of the tears you shed,
Pleas you had made.

Things get broken.

You asked for a reason,
Its not that you never tried,
But something in you died.

You were lost to me.

I tried to understand,
Even when the dust has settled,
And the slice of pie has gone cold.

Many words left unspoken.

As the hot breath escapes me,
I breathe in deep the air around me,
I noticed the letter on the floor.

Hoping that one day the wounds would heal.

Torn halfway a ragged piece,
The anger of the words showed no peace,
Reflecting a hint of sanity’s eclipse.

Letting go of what was once precious.

I step out through the door,
Closing it gently as it creaks behind me,
The door is shut.

The room had been forgotten.
-A forgotten room

A long time ago, I made a wish, about someone who was precious to me. It was like a dream within a snow globe, perfect. But then upon sanity’s eclipse, the snow globe had fallen to the floor, shattered.

Many a tear was shed, a plea was made, but I guess I turned my back to the plea, though I still offered my comfort. Now, it’s been a long while, so I guess I’d take the time to reflect about it, and silently apologize for it was a failure on both sides.

The torn letters given to me remind me about how much was put into it, and what was lost, and filled with anger and hate.

Attempts at peace were not taken in well. That’s why; I left it all behind for the best, as a room that was best left forgotten. But of course, its part of my past, thus it can never be forgotten, it serves as a lesson, a scar. A memory of which I hold no regret, as I moved on, hoping that the other has.

Many lessons have been learnt since then; I’ve seen much more and took in more of the world’s light. For I must say, it is truly blinding.

As the light shines through the looking glass,
I notice the break within its center,
A change of direction.

It changes course.

It shines on the teddy on the floor,
Collecting dust from neglect,
Several coins lay around it.

What was the value of her intent?

Soft vibrations all around,
The wind chimes sound,
Blowing away the dust of old.

A reflection catches my attention.

I notice the gleam in the bear’s eye,
The expression seemed of warmth,
Yet the room was so cold.

What was it I had forgotten?

It feels soft within my hands.
So I put my arms around it.
It looks at me with conviction.

Remember the reason.

Her intent was something positive,
I had forgotten her touch.
I wondered why it was forgotten.

I had forgotten how to trust.
-Remembering myself.

As I think of the bears I’d been given in my time, I find it odd for a guy to get one, but I don’t recall how I got them all, and now I have so few left, most of them were lost, why they were lost I am unsure. Their collecting dust shows I’ve neglected them, and perhaps forgotten them.

She was always happy when I got them, I remember. All those who given them to me, all their faces seem a blur now, totally forgot. I wish I could remember all those who had given me gifts. An album where I could see the face with each gift I ever received. To be grateful for what I received.

She was all smiles when I was younger, and then she began to become less cheery and open as I got older. The world had taken its toil, sometimes slow, sometimes rapidly. It bore its weight down on her and she’d just break down. It tears me inside when she break’s down.

I guess I lost her often, because she had been hurt so many times, but I’ve gotten her back, with lots of determination. She was naïve, and always positive, until she got crushed one too many times, shrunk away into a cave, into the darkness, afraid to even feel. She lets few in, and even then, among those few, there were those who betrayed it. Who even, trampled upon her.

She is my innocence, and who is she? She is my sense of trust in people. It’s been hurt quite a few times, and yes she is one who feels a lot. I guess that’s why I am not that close to that many people, my true friends are few, my acquaintances are many. I guess for me, she is often left forgotten, and it’s so rare for her to truly trust someone.

And will she learn to trust more? I don’t know, my faith in my fellow man is skeptical; the only way to see how a person really is when the relationship is called into question or placed under strain, only then is it possible to see it for what it is. The world is full of masked faces, it’s so hard to tell, and honestly, it’s so hard to trust a masked face.

Can one judge another purely by look and first impressions? It takes time to trust another still, no matter how good an impression that person made. Of course that person would have peaked my interest, and I would like to understand them more. That’s when; I guess she comes out, out of the darkness, though warily and always ready to shrink back into the darkness never to return.

Those who’ve she’d let in, those angels over her shoulder where she can spread her wings without worry, those who have not let her down for so many years, I salute them. Those who are my closest, my true partners in life, I cherish them all, and look forward to so many more years.

The white feathers float slowly to the ground,
I look over and see,
The angels over my shoulder.

For all the wishes I’ve ever made.

Of the dreams within my head,
Of the love in my heart,
Of the smile upon my face.

Learning what it is to be happy.

Of the world’s light,
That fills our eyes,
And the joy’s we’ve had.

It’s glorious to see us all grow.

Cherishing that which is precious,
Beauty of the words spoke,
Bringing the feeling of content.

Is it too late to remind you?

Of the times even in silence,
How we enjoyed every bit,
For the lives we lived.

Doing the things we wanted to do.
-Cherish

2007-08-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Reflection

When will we get there?
A pause within a moment,
Promises with a smile,
What is there to right?
I think I see a lot in plain sight,
But so little worth fighting for.

Severance from reality,
The truth seems to breaking,
Everyone seems to be waiting,
A fallen tear shed,
Many years ago,
With many more to come.

What was lost?
Pity about the loss,
Forgive it for what it was,
Frightened by the toss,
Shrouded by the frenzy,
Becoming a forgotten cause.

What is there worth fighting for?
Issues thrown into the fray,
But which to fix?
Frowns upon the promises made,
A pause within a moment,
When will we get there?
-When will we get there?

The mist clouds much before me, on an empty road. A cold morning it was, around two. The road stretched out before me, I could not see very far, and there as I walked I thought about where I was now.

Right now, a gap in my life was soon to end, two years that I’d never get back, of which I had no choice, but to serve. I’ve met many people, learnt and matured much from my interactions and experiences. Saw the ugly side of people, and of course much of my own, people were my mirror. Given a better understanding of life, I know that as I see more of the bigger picture, knowing more and more and seeing past the word “I” and seeing and feeling of the word “us”.

When I contemplate about what I have done for the most of my national service, I actually regret much of what I have done. For the first time, I truly regret having lived the slack vocation of which I got. I would rather have done more, become what I am physically and mentally capable of. But what is one to do when the government doesn’t allow it? I did not choose to be born with this minor flaw, yes I have a kryptonite, but everyone has his or her kryptonite in one way or another. Like a clause within a contract that forbids one, which perhaps if I actually fought for, I might have gotten, but I guess in a way it was fear of fighting the system stopped me; to me it was a moment of weakness, because I did nothing to change what was given to me, although I wanted more. And here I thought I’d never regret anything in my life because it always taught me and gave me experiences. I made it a point to live life without regret, yet the experiences I got were not something I felt was worth the two years. The slack life of army was never what I wanted, I wanted the hardest bit national service could throw at me, the toughest training and best appointment a national serviceman could get. A commando officer. But that’s wishful thinking, too late, the damage had been done, I’ve loss a good chunk of time already and have not been as fit as I was originally was before army. In fact people would think I’m stupid or crazy for not wanting what I was given, and that I should be grateful for the easy life I got, and that I was a fool for wanting the toughest training an national serviceman could get. But I wanted the experience, to learn from it, to know what it was like to be one of the elite soldiers in the army, in a way it was a dream. However, a consolation that I got was that I got to meet a really good marital artist, whose skill and strength was far beyond what I had. For the first time in my life, I met someone who actually practiced something that paled every unarmed combat I’ve seen, learnt and practiced. It was mixed martial arts; it brought together all the best aspects of different martial arts.

I’ve learnt much from then, becoming a stronger person, physically and mentally. What I lost was my ability to run, and gained weight, due to a year of little physical activity and too much food. Of course, I’ve managed to work a lot back since the year of slacking off, but I have yet to get back to my peak. I’ve perhaps more strength, but less athletic ability. I’d rather have more speed and endurance over being able to lift more weight.

Perhaps, the reason for my regret is because of the slack life I got in the army as it made me slack and unfit. What I wanted was the tough training, of course, it might be different when it isn’t voluntary. But I was willing to go for it. That’s why I knew I’d prefer it. Physically and mentally prepared, until my enlistment, I had trained hard for to ensure that I could endure, and perhaps surpass the requirements. I wanted it, pity it all came to naught.

What I got to see in the end, were several groups of people who had genuine physical problems, people who wanted to avoid physical training and people who had physical problems and wanted to avoid training. Those who wanted to avoid training tried to “keng” or bluff that they were not well or fit for physical duty. For those who “keng” they reflected poor characters. Of course what I found was, it reflected on me too, I was affected by those around me who were like that, so much that it rubbed off on me.

It’s what made me regret ending up where I was. I wished I never had that flaw, so that I would have had a different military life. That perhaps I would have had a stronger discipline with the different vocation. I wanted what was on the other side of the coin. I’ve become better in certain aspects, but horribly undisciplined, which I had to struggle to fix.

And so it is coming to an end, I’ve lived most of the slack life, and can’t change much about the work, and neither do I want to change anything now as it would amount to nothing much. The only the thing I can do, is work towards my future. Leaving behind an army life I’d rather have done differently, I can now focus on things I must get done.

Fulfill what I want to do for my life, studies, charity work, acting, physical training. The rest of the aspects I’ve not mentioned are pretty much alright right now, those that I’ve mentioned have yet to fulfilled. I guess that’s where I ask myself, “When will we get there?”

I am on that road, which is misted up, and I can’t see very far in front. It’s starting to get cold. And though I can’t see far, I must walk on.

I breathe deeply before the contemplation,
Of the many things that I can’t escape,
Of the thoughts the mind would weave,
Where much of which I’ve said,
Had been left unanswered.

Just a little insight to this plight,
Perhaps a hint of the truth,
Was all I’d ask,
So that my thoughts would not take flight,
Yet the silence was all I got.

All those around,
Well aware,
Yet they say nothing,
The silence was deafening,
What was their cause?

Standing before the jury,
Before the evidence of my pass,
The judgment was already made,
Cut down by their unforgiving stares,
Frozen hearts of ice.

Stepping forward and away from the cage,
Ignoring the cage of their judgment,
I am no merchant of emotion,
I have no heart of ice,
But neither do I punish others with silence.

The jury fades in the shadows,
They cry out,
The mute are no more,
They have no hold,
Their just forgotten shadows now.
-Finding one’s self.

2007-08-13T09:37:00.000-07:00

Her cold breath

Looking around at the still grey,
Once again standing on that spot,
Unable to explain the reason for the cause,
I feel a sense of immense dismay.

A figure stands before me,
The curves fill the light,
Eyes covered by the shadows,
Her lips so red.

Leaping out from the darkness,
Arms wrapping around me,
Like a searing bolt of lighting,
I am star struck.

Lips against mine,
My eyes closed in the sweet sensation,
A dream of honey and wine,
Of a taste so divine.
-She’s a star

There was a sudden crash, people began to get excited, and I turned to see an old lady had fallen at the train door, I rushed forward and for one moment when one man reached there first, I stopped in hesitation.

The bell rang to signal the closing doors, her legs were still outside the train; I rushed to grab one of her arms as the other man helped her with the other. It was over. No one had even moved from their seats, they simply stirred to see what was happening. They did not even bother to help.

My hesitation, hit me deeply as I sat down in a seat, reflecting on that pause. It could have meant the difference between someone being seriously hurt and being saved. Why did I even hesitate? I believe in helping others, and I learnt so many times, that one must not wait for others to help, but help if one can.

Was I afraid of what others might think from my actions? Was that why I hesitated? Yes, my vanity made me pause, when it was something I should not have even thought about what others thought, but rather focusing on aiding the person in need. My vanity flaws my moral of helping without hesitation. Again I feel I failed, despite being able to help that person.

The crowd rushing by,
Standing to see the troubadours,
With their manners and satire,
Caring not of what others thought.

They played for a cause,
Instrumental chaos,
Pleasing the demure crowd,
Ignorant to their true purpose.

A table by the side,
Seated four,
The leaders of a cause,
Charity a noble goal.

Fatally doomed to be ignored,
Efforts flawed by the crowd,
The people see not,
They give not.
-Ignored cause

Rushing into the cool air of the shopping mall, it had been hot and I had been walking with a close female friend for quite a distance in the sun, the welcoming air brought a great relief. We had arrived to a crowd that surrounded a stage of musicians. A Jap rock band, Singaporeans they were, the lead singer could be singled out purely by his shoes, bright shiny leather shoes with pointed tips. Their makeup and hairstyles made them look feminine, accompanied by their petite builds, it made them look androgynous. Even my friend thought one of them was a girl.

They were preparing for the performance, ignoring the looks of the crowd, caring not about letting them wait. Making no gestures whatsoever on when it would start, or even acknowledging the crowd that waited attentively, eagerly. As the minutes went by, my friend and I had already gone from shop to shop, and people from each floor had gathered at the atrium looking down on the band that was about to perform.

Just as we were about to leave, the band began to play, my friend pulled me to see the performance. We were blocked by the endless crowd that surrounded the stage, so we moved to an empty area where we could have full view. To an area where a table was placed. There were signs and a newspaper cutting, and there sat four girls before a table filled with chocolates. And then, I realized the reason for the performance, these girls had brought together the entire event for charity. I felt awed by their effort, four girls who managed to start with an idea and make it into reality. But it hurt me terribly that no one even looked at their table, there was only a tiny donation can, and I looked around if people even donated.

I took out a note and placed it in the tin. It was money for a movie ticket, since I decided that my friend I would go for a run instead, since it allowed her to save her money, and I had no need for the money I had set aside. It would fit a better cause, and at least make the day of these four, and so I smiled, and they quickly offered bags of chocolates which I declined. Of course, they pursued my female friend and gave it to her instead.

It was a worthy cause, these four worked hard, unlike charitable organizations which hoarded money and squandered it for the wrong reasons. These were the few I would gladly donate to. So noble, so grand, yet terribly doomed to waste.

The society we live in, doesn’t appreciate such causes, and most people will not stir to help others. But rather they seem to prefer to be entertained by what happens. In a way, their speech never really went beyond the word “I”

An action without respite,
The words cut down to the core,
Hardened shells crack from the strikes,

The fallen pieces melt away.
Tear drops on the floor stain the way,
Leaving wounds bare.

Forgive his actions,
A penny wish away from bankruptcy,
For he was poor of wisdom.
-Foolish words

2007-07-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

Dream Supernova

The spoon has long since been bent,
The moldy letters left unsent,
Touching the empty glass on the table,
The cold air makes me feel faint.

Eyes are blurring.

Holding my head in my hands,
Cradling my thoughts gently,
Breathing deep within myself,
Holding onto the shadows.

The memories long forgotten.

Flickers of light from a lighted sparkler,
Feeling a shiver on my hardened skin,
I look up at the hole in the roof,
A broken shelter of my emotions.

It is protected poorly.

Fallen to my knees on the hard floor,
I feel the energy in my fingers,
Holding myself tight,
Closing my head as I bow from the blinding light.

Reality changes.

Paradigms shift beyond past,
Every part of my life surrounds me,
And I draw it in deep within me,
My skin glows white.

Electricity fills the air.

I close my eyes and hear the whispers,
The shine fills my eyes,
Letting my emotion flow,
The world becomes bright.
-Dream Supernova.

Sometimes in life, there are times when one’s perception can change. The world may be the same, but the way it’s viewed by different people is greatly varied. For example, in a picture where there is a man eating an apple underneath the tree, one person may notice how the tree is so big while the man seems so small, or how the man’s face looks as he bites the apple, or how the shadow that is cast by the tree looks like. So many things to look at or view the picture, and perception is about the first thing you see.

That’s why as your moving along in life, you may see the same thing you see everyday in a certain way, like a park with trees, then one day, as your moving along your perception changes and you simply see a fountain within the park surrounded by trees. To me, that happens once in awhile, and it allows me to see the world differently which allows me to contemplate.

As I was walking along a bridge, listening to my ipod and music drowning out all the traffic noise, my senses seemed to change. It was night, the dark cool air was fogged ever so slightly, and as I breathed deep when I got to the top of the bridge, then it occurred to me as I looked straight forward, the world disappeared, and I saw only the bridge itself, I was standing on that bridge representing my life.

I looked down the path and I then noticed the railings of the bridge seeming to enclose around me, and then I thought about my life, which was guarded by railings similar to this bridge, from the darkness outside the path, guiding me along with lights overhead to show me the way in the darkness, in safety. The lights were in one straight line, just like how my life was being guided. It was being guided along one straight line, and then as I breathed deep as I was about to finish crossing the bridge, I looked around me and I realized, that it wasn’t simply just darkness in the void, that there were lights and sounds, it made me also realize that despite the protected guidance, there was always more to just the path I had been given to walk.

That’s when I thought on how many choices were already made for me when I was born, it began with a climb up the steps of life, where when you get there, you realized the path was already set for you, guarded already by railings and brightly lit to show you the way. But now more than ever, I’d like to see the light outside the bridge, to be different.

To be able to know what other options I have in my life. Stepping over those boundaries set to protect me. So many of us have been protected in one way or another in our lives, guided along a certain path, groomed for an ideal that was never ours to begin with. In that ideal, that sought instill in us, but have they allowed us to find out what was it we really wanted? What I wanted?

There is nothing wrong in the set path, it worked for many people, though it probably killed most of their creativity, their ability to choose for themselves. There is a lot of wisdom behind the set paths, because it protects, it nourishes life in its own way. It ensures order. To stray from the path, is a means of falling and most likely disapproval by those around you and especially by the people who have guided you along this path. But in order to fly high, to know what you want to do in life, what you want out of life, to form your own ideals, you have to fall, fall away from the path, jump off that bridge that you’ve been walking for so long, into the shrouded darkness, into the unknown. Until you’ve done that, you will never be able to see what’s beyond the bridge, beyond the railings, beyond the blinding darkness.

Walking on this bridge of my life,
Darkness fills the void around it,
The railings close in on both sides,
Above me are lights guiding me along.

The lights are leading in one straight line.

Close to the end,
I see the descent to the end of the bridge,
I see what was laid out before me,
A ray of light cuts through the darkness from the side.

There is something more than just this.

I see the false sense of security surrounding me,
Shrouded by tales of darkness,
The warnings of beyond the path,
I shut my mind to the conformity.

Challenge it.

Climbing over the railing,
It cuts those who try to pass it,
Others scream in horror trying to stop me,
I step over the other side of it.
The air is so divine.

Breathe deep.

I spread my hands and lift my head high,
Spreading my wings,
I let myself fall,
In order to fly.
-The bridge of life.

2007-07-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

Two mirrors

Bright colors surround me,
Hold my hand,
Siding all and none.
Enjoying the endless conversations.

The lights are fading around me,
I am rising,
The shooting star,
Words of grandeur flow about.

People look at me as I smile,
The knives in my heart,
Bled so hard,
Reaching out to the turned backs.

Disbelief in their eyes,
They stand so far away,
It seems that they no longer care,
But I will continue to dare.

The light side of the coin,
The dark of the night,
Surprised by the replies,
I see hell in their eyes,
The people surrounding me,
I have been forsaken.
Why do they smile like that?
Why don’t they smile back?

Essences of two hearts laid bare.
Two mirrors of my soul,
The ray of sunlight and the abyss,
The two entwined around my fate,
Similar to me,
Yet so different,
Mirrors they have been.
-The twins

There are two girls I’ve met in my life whom I feel are like the female versions of me. One is the actress, the persona of my public self, a bright voice that is the lighter side of me. The other, the story teller, the painter of words, the darker side of me.

I saw so much of the way I am in them, that it allowed me to understand myself better from a third person point of view, an insight that I never had until I met both of them. Both of them, have had a significant but brief part in my life, of which I regret neither.

Both girls were talkative, and both liked attention, but the way they got it was entirely different. That was the difference between the light one and the dark one.

The light one had naivety and cheerfulness. Having endless energy that seemed to explode out of her, some what like what I was when I was younger. She loved to talk to everyone, be friends with everyone; she basically was the kind of person who liked to please and to be everyone’s friend, no matter who you were, from fellow student, to teacher etc. I am somewhat like that, I try to be friends with everyone, and I do not have problems with making friends with authority figures, like teachers, or officers. I never saw superiors as people who could not be one’s friends, though others thought differently.

She was like me, making friends with teachers; there were people who resented her for that just like I was resented for it too. And in the background, she was disliked or backstabbed, pretty much like I was when I was younger. Friendliness came with a drawback, people found it irritating at times, my befriending or being nice to authority figures made me look like I was sucking up to them, when all I wanted to be was friends with them, and did not expect any form of favoritism.

I saw it more clearly when even some of her close friends told me bad things about her. It made me wonder if they were even her friends at all. Her popularity and unpopularity came into contrast, it allowed me to see the divide on who resented her for being such a person. It also allowed me to understand, that the way I am may make people dislike or resent me, because I don’t think that making friends or being friendly towards authority figures is wrong, I treat each person equally when it comes to being friends. So is it wrong to be friendly towards authority? At the end of the day, she was seen as a teachers pet, her very own friends betrayed her, and it hurt her badly, but fortunately she got back from it and moved on, though it probably left a scar on her. For me, I’ve not had a huge group turn on me, rather individuals did such things.

The dark one was a story teller, a kind of female Loki, spinner of tales and lies. I must say, in my youth I’ve told many grand stories, and I’ve used it in my writing to help me a lot. Though the uses of those grand stories were to fool or bluff people as to whom I was when I was younger. It painted a picture, grand as it was, making me look great, when I was a person who had nothing at that point of time to show for, and so I used stories. As time went by, I’ve had more things to show for, and thus stories that I once told, ceased to be said, but became writing and were not used to bluff. Perhaps that’s the reason why I can write better than I did last time, but then again, it could be experience and development of my mind. Now to not diverge anymore, back to the lass, the Loki, the story teller.

She is perhaps one of the best conversationalists I ever met. Whom I loved just listening to, and there are few people whom I would sit down and listen to for hours. Of course much of what she told me is hard to believe, and several have been refuted by people who know her and know me. And I learnt that she was good at telling stuff that weren’t true. She was someone who wasn’t well liked by people around her, but the friends she had were really good friends with her, though they did keep their distance. This is somewhat how my situation was once when I was younger, I had many friends from people outside my class, but the ones in my class did not like me, due to the combination of both traits.

I’ve learnt along the way from what made people dislike me. My obnoxious and dislikable traits and improved myself, and realized that it’s important to understand one’s follies, and why people would dislike me. It’s perhaps made me a better person, who still has a lot more room to improve. But by understanding these two, who are like my mirrors of myself, help me to understand my past mistakes and improve myself better.

The shadows slowly forgotten,
Relationships that were forsaken,
Realizing that no one waited,
Many a word left unsaid.

A connection between two souls.

Emotions all surrounding,
A connection of everlasting memory,
Like a blinding ray of light,
Like an ocean of promises.

No one is standing at the door.

An empty entrance before me,
It leads to end of my journey,
My life laid bare,
I feel it pulling away from me.

The door seems so far away.

It disappears rapidly into the darkness,
Like a boat over the horizon,
Returning to my senses,
Finding what was long forgot.

Thus it was greatly neglected.

As tears flow down her eyes,
Wanting to will her emotions away,
Held in my arms with a listening ear,
She opens up her ocean of emotions.
Twenty years of waiting.

-Journey of two souls.

2007-07-23T08:04:00.000-07:00

Against me

Reaching out for me,
Stares cutting across the room,
A connection beyond tones,
Feeling all caution melt away.

Fallen on my knees.

Pulling me towards you,
Feeling the draw of the insane,
Breaking the train of thoughts,
Immersed in this ocean of desires.

Spreading out my arms in this embrace.

Feeling the pull from my body,
Every bit of energy draining to one point,
Rising inside of me,
Drawing from within.

To come undone.

-Reaching forward

When I think about the people who disliked me, who spoke against me to people whom I were close to, I realized that most of the time those people were hypocrites. Many a time, when people were against things that I did, they ended up doing it themselves. Condemning me for something that they would not condemn themselves for. It is too easy to condemn another, but not yourself.

I make that very same mistake myself, I judge like everybody else, and when I make the same mistake, I realize that I was wrong, and I change my judgment, though it was already made before. The problem is, some people don’t, in fact a lot don’t. It leaves a bitter taste when I think about it, but these are things I’ve learnt to let go. It doesn’t bother me, but of course no matter what ever you let go, there will be things that still taste sour in your mouth when you recollect about them.

At times it can feel like the world is against me. But when I step back, I see my friends are there, and that they’ve not turned against me, but rather, they offer help and show their concern for me. Those who are against me hold an agenda against me that I often never understand on how they began. That, I hope to learn, and use to improve myself, so that I might better myself, although it is impossible to please everyone. I’ve learnt that so many times, it’s impossible to please everyone, but it’s still possible to please the majority, but most of the time, it’s important to be true one’s self and be there for those who matter most, and not the crowd.

I’ve had a few people actually apologize to me after a long time, when they realized how they misjudged me, or realize that I actually treated them well when they did not return in kind, but rather listened to the back stabbing of others. When I was younger, I was oblivious to politics, which went about, and apparently there were those who disliked me whom I did not even have contact with. Guess it’s the case of “Don’t like the person’s face, so you’ll hate them” sort of thing.

One of my follies is, after being treated such, I was terribly hurt and it’s so hard to forgive or accept the apology given. It eats at me to let such a betrayal go. At the end of it, what do I gain from not accepting it? After thinking carefully, I’d realize how it is pointless and petty to continue the way it is, though I have lost my heart to continue the relationship. I’m the type whose passion once gone, rarely ever returns.

It’s very hard to continue off where something had already gone sour, and if it’s been a long time, the feelings for the relationship, the closeness would have been completely dissipated. It leaves somewhat a kind of numbness where you could look at the person as if they were a total stranger.

But there are a few partings that I still feel for, the scars left behind, a lingering pain that is somewhat surreal.

A crimson drop of a tear from above,
Hopes crushed as if a flower encountered a false dawn,
A ray of light casts the shadow of my past,
But a smile melts it away,
Burying my shadows,
Drowning my fears.

The shadows will not die,
It cannot be murdered,
Undying, screaming out at me,
I feel like the hunter being hunted,
being haunted by the shadow beside me.

Help mistaken for cruel intentions,
In a world where I find it hard to trust,
who will I turn to that is just,
I fear that my heart will turn to rust,
And then, perhaps to dust.
-I wish not.

Something I wrote long ago, about this same topic.
“I always thought myself strong enough to withstand any emotional bombs and missiles thrown at me. But I guess some people just are able to get pass it. That chink in the armor, my weakness, my kryptonite. I wonder, what could have been, and remember that I am what I am now, a better person, though with the same weaknesses as before, weaknesses though less exposed are still sometimes vulnerable by the person who inflicted them. I’ve not felt this weak in a long time. It reminds me that I am still human with flaws. It reminds of me of what I was like before, the naïve boy.”

This is a prologue to a novel I wrote a long time ago, I forgot which version is this, but its not the latest one for sure. Perhaps one day I’ll show the most recent version which reflects my true thoughts, though most of it remains the same, just more of what my experiences have given me, placed into the prologue:

Love is something everyone tries to define, no matter how much you try and define it; it is always different one way or another. Love changes things, and relationships are never the same again. Love can be in many kinds too, sibling love, parental love, love of inanimate objects, love of a wife or husband. But most of the time people concentrate on the love between a man and a woman, boy and girl. Why do we define it so much? That kind of love affects us the most I guess, it can bring us the greatest joy, and the greatest pain. That is why that kind of love is considered so important to us. To me, love between a boy and a girl, is a union of souls. True love is where both boy and girl are best friends and lovers at the same time and that they would do anything for each other.

Often, love is a compromise for the other party, which makes one question love, but is it wrong to question another’s love? They say love should be unquestioned, but often, we still question it. In any relationship between a boy and girl, there will always be a time where their love for each other is tested, that is how the strength of their love is defined. But no matter how many relationships you have gone through, it is always different. No matter how much your experience, when its true love, you are always uneasy and unsure of yourself.

True love, how does it happen? Love at first sight? I do not really believe in such things, for even when you look into the eyes of the person, no matter how much you judge a person by their looks, you cannot tell what they are truly like, until you have been with them. For me, I judge women like a bottle of wine, the appearance of the bottle maybe attractive or seductive, but you can never know what its like or whether you would love it until you have tasted its contents. The contents are the women’s true self, her personality and her essence. A woman can be sweet or sour, strong or mildly pleasant, intoxicating or weak. She could have a great after taste that leaves you wanting for more, she could make you addicted to her. Addiction, the start of infatuation, that eventually leads to love. To me, infatuation is the part and parcel of life that eventually leads to love or rejection if it is given the chance. And like wine, women can get better with age or become the sour vinegar that would be undrinkable. It depends on her, she is the one who defines how she ages and changes. If she becomes better with age, her beauty is more enhanced and her personality becomes more refined. But those are the rare type of wines. But I did find one; she was the rarest bottle of wine I had ever found. She was the one.

2007-07-18T08:19:00.000-07:00

Rapture of the father

Take away all my sins,
Send it far beyond,
Leave me to face myself,
Staring at the image before me.

Clad in white without a sin,
Clean of any evil it smiles at me,
The light so bright,
The flowers around it in full bloom.

It coaxes me towards it,
Reaching out to me,
Eyes so cutting melting my thoughts,
Silent whispers pulling me along.

I sense a hint of darkness,
A glimmer of a lie,
A truth it seems,
A fact it appears to be.

Picking up the rough stone of my memories,
And preparing to throw it through the looking glass,
The image screams out at me,
The glass shatters.

Behind the glass was darkness,
Clad in black without a trace of white,
It turned away not daring to look at me,
Appearing to strain under my stare.

Retreating into the shadows,
Eyes turned away,
The seduction it seems so far a memory,
A forgotten soul.

I reach my hand out to it,
It takes my hand and I embrace it,
Forgiveness to melt away the black,
Tears to wash away the ash.

The naked figure laid bare,
Washed of its darkness,
Smoothed gently as I return it to the light,
For the rapture of the father.
-Rapture of the Father

Looking at my past, it seems so seductive, with its past glory and interactions with people. At a state of heightened awareness, a flood for the senses during those days and it’s so easy to not see the wrongs of the past. Then when I look closer and remember my mistakes, and think about my experiences more, I see that there are things which I have yet to learn and grow from, and of course remember the mistakes, and not make them again. There are times where it is so tempting to become my old self, but then after seeing what it truly is, it loses its charm, its seduction.

The following poem was written by me two years ago:

The tales of my soul,
Like everything said and done,
Mirrors along the wall,
Tell me of what I once was,
Moved so slow,
Dreamt too long,
I wonder why,
What do I need?
I Desire nothing,
Yet I need everything,
Everything from life.
-Everything.

My thoughts are often left divided when it comes to when I feel alienated by a group of people who are supposed to be my friends. It lets me see if I did anything wrong, whether my attitude towards them or things I do with them needs to be adjusted. The next thing I look at is what they expect, or how they react towards me, and finally what I expect of them, which in turn is normally the cause of me, feeling alienated.

When situations change, the way people treat you often becomes different. But it sickens me when people leave you standing there alone, totally ignored. And when they needed me, they treated me like I was their best buddy, as if everything was normal. When I wasn’t needed, they revert back to the way they treated me previously.

I can’t say that I am not affected by such things, but I am. I have feelings, and yes though I know it is how some people are, and that they do not have much impact in my life or my future, it still affects me. It eats a little bit at that hardened armor I carry around. What I find harder to handle in life though, is my expectations out of things.

We all expect something out of relationships. Be it friend, lover or relative. Not in a materialistic sense but in a form of bonding or actions. When I look at what I expect of people I realize that I have high expectations out of certain people, and very little of some.

Most of the time, those who I had high expectations of let me down, and it often occurs when there is a break in communication. Acknowledging how each other feel or are becomes non-existent, or one side did not make the point to interact, so the other’s passion or interest waned and faded away. Interaction is part of being in a relationship, and is crucial for things to work. People I have been close to, but don’t interact with aren’t considered my friends anymore, but rather as acquaintances because the lack of interaction for a long period of time creates a drift or gap between us. We grow and change all the time in one or another, and meet other people and form new relationships, thus lowering the importance of that previous relationship. It’s no fault of theirs or mine most of the time. We all move on in our lives and the people who we interact with everyday tend to take a greater importance in our lives.

I guess making the point of keeping up with the person and spending some bonding time is important. What do I mean about bonding time? It’s not simply about having fun, it’s easy to go out to a movie, go to the arcade or play sports with another person. The real part of bonding is the part where in the relationship, the two people open up to each other, discussing how they feel, how things are going on in their life, their dreams, hopes for the future and genuinely listening to each other. Now for me, I’ve only had a few people in my entire life that I can say are true friends. My expectations of them are definitely higher, but also my understanding on how they feel and what is going on in their life is definitely better.

One thing I’ve learnt is that it’s hard to make true friends, and most people who become close to becoming a true friend end up disappointing you. Especially when the person turns their back on you after you opened up so much to them, the betrayal leaving a scar on your heart. Its one of the few things that can make me cry. Yes, its heart wrenching for me. Here is a poem that I wrote two years ago about one such case.

Severance a requiem of pain,
The silence deafening,
Trust consumed by lust,
Time an endless breath,
Promises so hard to keep,
Dreams so easy to break,
Relations so easy to flake.

Is there anything left to make?
Life’s not breathing back,
In these hurried times,
A false sense of comfort,
From all around,
It surrounds and takes the pain away,
Only to return it ten-fold,

Masks of which we are, not being who we truly are,
Seeking approval in a flock,
Perhaps from those jocks,
Or those whose hearts are like rocks.
Where do I stand?
I am no jock or rock,
I guess you will keep your heart in a lock.
-Severance

The severance was painful, especially when the relationship was at its highest point when it ended. It definitely makes me a more jaded person.

To me, I find the heart is like a porcelain plate, when it is first broken, it breaks into a few pieces, and when it gets mended back to one whole piece it will retain its hairline cracks. So the following time plate is broken, it breaks into even more pieces due to the current cracks. And each time the plate is fixed, it has even more hairline cracks. The more pieces it gets broken to, it takes even longer for it to mend back together. Eventually, when the plate is broken one too many times, it becomes no more. Thus, one becomes jaded after a while. Trust in someone becomes so much harder, and sometimes one loses the chance to become a true friend with that person because you push the person away because you find it hard to open up.

2007-07-08T07:19:00.000-07:00

Choices

Light a part of my soul,
Sign a piece of the contract,
Letting the cold wind blow through my hair,
Darkness has a haunting masked appeal.

Stepping forward in the calm of silence,
Thirsting for the divine wine,
Hoping for a short reprieve,
Finding myself left with little time.

Walking the fine line of my sanity,
I wonder what is behind the door of my fate,
Searching for a vivid or clear sign,
Slowly driving me out of my mind.
-Sanity’s appeal.

Trapped between my desires and my responsibilities, it’s like the responsible choice over having water or wine when driving. Drawn between the choices, it sometimes is hard to make them, not knowing what fate holds in store for either makes it even harder. Perhaps if I knew what my fate would be, it would be easier to make the choice, but then again, if I already knew what was going to happen, where is the fun in life?

Peer pressure to smoke, to drink alcohol in excess. It is so easy to give in, these are simply choices in life that people are often pushed into. It’s an everyday occurrence that people will encounter throughout their lives. Making the right choice is important. giving into pressure or making the right choice for yourself, if you knew the fate of what drinking or smoking might have, would you choose it or not? We can never know what might truly happen, that’s why as I say, choices are often hard to make. Choices, of course in life aren’t simply all about affecting yourself, but some choices also affect others. Others who might need your help.

For example, having the choice between helping a person in distress or getting to a place on time, without having to sweat or stress oneself. At times I find myself having to make the choice between sacrificing comfort or ignoring what was happening before me, knowing that I can make a difference in the situation.

Once, when I was rushing to meet a friend, while crossing an overhead bridge, with the sun shining brightly, I’m trying to avoid perspiring too much and then I come across an old lady trying to lug up a lot of bags up the stairs. At that moment, I made a choice to help her, though I hesitated for a second because I was rather uncomfortable due to the heat, and at the back of my mind, my thoughts were that the old woman would be alright, and that I should get across quickly in a relaxed manner in order to avoid perspiring too much. At the end of it, I helped the thankful lady and she was off on her merry way after that. As for me, I could not avoid perspiring once I helped her carry her bag slowly up and across and then down the bridge, but it was the right thing to do, and despite the discomfort I experienced for the rest of the day, it was easier to handle because the reason for my discomfort was because I helped someone that day.

The biggest thing that affected me though, was my reluctance and hesitance. Yes I helped the lady, but I had to convince or make myself do it. Sometimes it’s like two people fighting for control. The next scenario which I found myself acting differently, where this time it was a young girl who was having trouble trying to pay for her bus fare as her card had run out of credit, and she did not have the coins to pay for the bus fare. I just sat in my seat on the bus watching her despair in distress along with many other passengers who did not bother either than just to look, in the end the bus driver let her sit without paying.

After some reflection, I realized that I was rather selective on two criterias when it means stepping up to help another based from that scenario. One, she was a young girl, two, I was hoping that someone else on the bus would help her.

I’m not trying to be prejudiced about age, but her being around sixteen to eighteen made me reluctant as a twenty year old guy to stand up and seem that I want to look like the “knight in shining armor” saving the damsel in distress, who expects to get something in return such as getting to know the girl, which is what others might think. That’s one thing I realize is wrong, my worry about how people would view my motives for helping made me reluctant.

My selfishness for the second reason was rather inexcusable, the thought was, “Let someone else help that person.” Which was wrong. If I had been the only person on the bus aside from her, I would have gotten up immediately to help her, but because I was at the back of the bus and there were so many other people on the bus, I thought someone else would have helped her. In the end, no one did, and maybe everyone had the same thought as me.

When I think about both reasons, it disgusts me, and makes me want to change my point of view of people and change the way I act and think. If a person needs help, I should not judge them by who or what they are, and not expect others to step up to help, and help the person myself, and not care what others might think.

How people reacted on the bus also gave me a first hand insight, on how Singaporeans in general are reluctant to help. When you look at cases where people are being beaten up or getting attacked, people do not help because they have the mentality that other people will come along and help instead of bothering to help. I know that danger brings in a whole new factor to the risk and reluctance of helping, but if the person can’t help physically, he or she should notify the authorities or call for help and try to persuade the person who is attacking to stop but either bluffing them that the authorities are here or shout at them to let them know that other people are watching them.

What has the world we know become? What are the values people around us have? Are they cowering citizens who think only of the word “I” Yes there are the few who are noble people willing to risk themselves or sacrifice their comfort in order to help another without a thought of anything in return, but how few are there? And will they always choose to help?

It scares me to think that if I were to be in trouble, a total stranger isn’t likely to help me if it was something serious as me being attacked or mugged. At the end of the day, the most reliable person to help me is myself. And I know, that not every acquaintance I have would step up to help me in times of need, that’s why I am close to only a handful of people who I know I can rely on if the situation was dire. Perhaps that’s why I keep my close circle of friends small.

As for me as a person, I must make a point to help those in need as much as I can. Of course, blindly jumping into danger is not the way to go, because not all good deeds go unpunished, if you understand the meaning. Help a person in smart way, whether it is to stop the person from being attacked, or calling help or simply stepping up to give a person in distress a helping hand or money if they need it. Making the choice to help, that’s the important first step.

Fragile the hearts of men,
Rigid the minds of people,
Rare the selflessness of few,
Quick to falter the multitude.

Righteous values often spoken,
Unpracticed by many who speak,
Hopeful of kindness from others,
Many a hand kept to themselves.

Of those who reach out to those,
When things get broken,
Making the choice to make a difference,
These are the precious few.
-Precious few

2007-07-07T04:00:00.001-07:00

Reprieve

A fallen apple from my hand,
Onto this place of sand,
It is cold in this barren land.

Raising the hand to one’s face,
I feel the dried lips like dace,
I turn away from the sun’s grace.

Words become a forgotten whisper,
Thoughts a silent message to confer,
Actions become a willful endeavor.

Fate seems to spin on a wheel,
I won’t deny what I feel,
For at the end everything is sealed.

Memories slowly start fade,
Of the choices I have made,
Remembering the consequences I paid.
-The fall

Waiting, I find myself waiting for many things; we all wait for something don’t we? Often I wish I did not have to wait and what I wanted to happen would occur immediately. I guess at times I can be impatient and I hate waiting for things to happen, which often could cause more problems and even delay what I want. “Patience is a virtue” Thus quoted by a close friend of mine who believes in that quite greatly. It is perhaps one of my weaknesses, I get impatient at times, but I found that not everything would cause me to be impatient. I have learnt to control myself, though I must admit, I do get impatient, but now I try to control myself, otherwise I might do something that doesn’t benefit the whole situation.

Can such a virtue be learnt? I feel that it can be instilled rather than learnt. Being angry or annoyed is never a good thing because you often say or do things that you would not otherwise do in a normal circumstance and often those actions are regrettable. I am sure there are many people who struggle with this problem, of poor patience and a short temper. I do my best, to change.

Till the day I die, I will be me. All these changes I make in my life, the assimilation of personalities, from my experiences in life, what makes me, me is how I have taken my experiences in and become what I am today. A different person with the exact same experiences may not turn out to be a person like me. Perhaps the person might be better or worse than me, but at the end, we all get one life, and that the life we’re given, we’re living it as us, and the experiences we get are ours.

With the last breath I ever take, I hope I will have the right mindset to savor it, and know that I have lived without regret and experienced much. That’s like one of the final wishes of my life. I contemplate often about where I am now, and how much have I achieved and whether I am glad with what I got. And so far, my answer is, I am glad with it because no matter what negative parts of my life I got, the positives and each experiences makes my life worth living, and to accept what comes along my way. Also, with whatever hatred or petty grievances I’ve had with people I learnt to let go of them, and let it not affect me, thus I move on without it weighing me down, that to me is probably an important reason why I have no regret.

What I look forward to, is the people I will get to meet, interact with. To enjoy the beauty of their minds. Every new face I see has something interesting if I paid attention to it. I realize that at the end of the day, the different faces I see make life interesting as they all come with different personalities which I could get to interact with, understand, empathize and understand. I guess that’s something I like a lot, interacting with people, though eventually I will require a reprieve from it all.

As much as I like meeting new people, I can reach a point where I would want to go into a shell and be away from people and spend times reflecting on my thoughts and self. I guess when I write, it’s somewhat like this, and maybe the reason why I stopped for so long was because I never reached a stage where I needed a reprieve. My life in the military has closed so many doors, no more parties, no more outings, or much less of both. Thus, only in the start of this year, things seemed to pick up again and finally that reprieve was required.

Lying down in this boudoir,
I listen to sweet melodic tones,
I’d feel so empty without her by my side,
Whispers in my ear,
To watch the divide on her emotions,
Wanting so much to confide,
Her lips so divine,
Her words so sublime,
Losing myself in her hold,
To come undone.
-The lady in the boudoir

2007-07-04T07:32:00.000-07:00

Infinity complex

The ray of light flashes past my eyes,
The returning darkness a harsh reality,
I traveled far beyond a place I regret,
Turning around to face myself.

Red eyes gleaming straight at me,
I lift my hand to block the animosity,
I find myself falling to the ground,
A bright light engulfs my sight.

I fall into a place of soft grass,
The warmth of the sun shining down,
A clear blue sky all around,
I reach up for the light.

The vision begins to crumble,
I feel the crimson cutting me once more,
It has no mercy for me,
I return the favor shown towards me.

Wash away my sins,
Atone for every soul I sundered,
I tear away the darkness from inside,
And tear of my constraints.

I spread my unbound wings,
Rising above this mirror,
It claws upwards unable to reach,
I forgive it,
I forgive myself.
-Looking into the mirror

Sometimes I wonder whether if I could erase the sins I’ve committed, the wrong I’ve done, the animosity I held against others. And I realize I can’t erase them, because they’ve been done and felt already. What I can do, is learn from them, and not repeat them. Not an easy feat I guess, it is always a constant battle against myself, and after all that I must also not forget myself, who I am, and not act what in a way that is not truly who I am. For me, it was about learning to avoid violence from my experiences, to learn to make up for mistakes I’ve done, forgetting or forgiving those whom I had animosity towards and trying to mend broken bridges.

There are times where violence to me is not wrong, but it is perhaps still wrong by law to even lift a finger against another. But to defend another who is oppressed, wrongly treated, it would be wrong not to intervene. Of course, violence is not the best solution, and should be avoided; I try to control myself, even when the anger builds inside of me.

In my youth I was quick to argue and eager to prove myself if a fight came about. When I think about it, fighting never won me any friends, it just alienated me more from others, and those who I won, never really admitted the defeat, they simply continued their animosity towards me. If I lost, they would never let it die, and choose to continue their mockery or verbal abuse until I made them submit, which simply continued the cycle of violence. As I grew older I learnt that violence is not the best solution, but at times violence like I already said, is warranted. When it comes down to violence, never forget logic.

Of course, logic is important when it comes to violence, sounds nonsensical right? Violence and logic together is hard to grasp, but it is necessary if you actually have to defend someone or yourself physically. If you don’t think carefully of what you’re doing, in the heat of it, you might let someone get behind you and hurt you, or you might end up hurting the person badly, or even killing him. That’s why, controlling one’s emotions and thinking clearly is necessary, hard to do when your adrenaline is pumping and I can say, every time it occurs, there is always a sense of fear in me. I know I am no god, I am a human being, and I am only one man or that my friends are just human beings too. Knowing when it is pointless to fight, where your physical intervention will not result in achieving anything either than your own injury or friend's, then trying to pull the person away and running is the best logic. Is it a shame to know when you can't win? Logic, violence is only warranted when you have no other choice at that point of time and if you can achieve a better result than not using violence at all. Don't fight to win, fight to protect.

Not to digress any further into the details, the main objective is to get into it if you have to, bring the person in distress out of danger and disable or stop the aggressor or the bully and get yourself and your friends out without further violence. That’s the best case scenario.

At the end of it, what is worse than physical violence is verbal abuse/violence. I believe if words are worse because they are usually the cause of most fights. Many a time, I find it only takes a few words and gestures to get a fight to occur. Whether physical or not, the words started it. Often in the heat of the moment our mind might select the most cutting remarks we can think of that moment that causes the other to crack.

That’s why, I avoid having verbal arguments, and I hate to fight verbally. If one avoids the verbal fight, the friction is greatly reduced, though the anger is still probably there, like fuel. Fuel alone often will not result in a fight, however if you use words, its like sparks that ignites the volatile fuel. I’ve gotten into way too many fights because of things I’ve said, or retorted to what people said to me, so I guess that part I learnt the most from. Experience is a harsh lesson, especially when you find yourself pit against something you can’t win. I'm glad I learnt loss, which allowed me to learn.

I’m not the quickest of wit when it comes to arguments because I don’t argue very often. But when I sit down to contemplate I often come up with better things than I could ever have when it comes down to arguments. And like I said, I hate arguing. I like the policy of being friends with everyone. Of course, its a fool's dream right? I'd like to continue living that dream as much as possible. Of course the first and most important person to not fight with is myself.

I wonder what would happen if I met my younger self. The different “versions” of me, would they listen to their older self? The advice I had to give them? Perhaps not, or it would not be needed because they’ve yet to experience the events that allow for me to give the advice. I think that some versions of me might try to fight me, trying to prove themselves more capable, eager to take down this person who claims to be wiser. I would not emphasize my strength, though some versions of me have greater strength physically in certain areas, fortunately my wider knowledge and experience of martial arts will give me a better edge. But is there a point to fighting at all? So what if I win, it will not teach him anything, either than he suffered a bitter loss to someone stronger than him. I guess I’d just block all the hits and try to bring him to his senses. If all else fails, just give in and say he is the better person and try to turn the situation in to a way of becoming friends or at least as respectful acquaintances. And hopefully in encountering the dark side of myself, I might show it the light and erase the darkness completely, leaving only the light, to which I could use to protect.

A sudden flash of anger,
words crossed paths,
figures surrounding a friend,
a red moon rises,
I will not stand for it,
I rise to pull him away from it,
the moon bleeds,
away from the crimson,
into the light of safety,
doing what he would have done for me,
protect.
-To protect

2007-07-01T02:05:00.000-07:00

Faded color

Drones all around me,
The color of life becomes faded,
The glimpses of color so few,
Voices around me whispering so silently.

Their dreams seem so far flung,
I reach out for the bright colors,
The stares like knives cutting,
Their emotions feel so cold.

Lined up on a one way path,
Actions almost the same,
Fear a fuel for their conformity,
I try to pull one away.

Screams so frantic like shattering glass,
Fragile minds that are color blind,
Change seems like a nightmare,
She struggles to get back to the line.

Grabbing her by her cold wrist,
Warming her with my words,
Adding color to her eyes,
At the end of it she cries.
-Faded color

Conformity, to society’s culture, to one’s social structure and surroundings, we all conform to a certain extent, but are we drones to it all? I try to break free, not to follow the pressures of conforming. Blogging is part of this current culture we live in, to write your thoughts online, in that sense I am conforming to culture, but where does conforming stop and individualism start? What is blogging? Is it a sort of online dairy, of what one thinks feels or what they did with their life?

But then again, it’s popular to show the world your blog, to become linked with other people’s blog, having people view it and so on so forth. But what are the reasons’ for your blog? To tell the world your life’s story? Rant about how you feel about something? Try to become more popular? To tell a story that sends a message out to the world on what might be happening? What needs to be changed?

There are so many reason why people blog. To the point, I ask myself, why do I blog? It’s partly to express my views on issues or to post my work on poetry or stories. Do I have a lot to tell? I wonder that myself, blogging to me is like a conversation with one’s self, thinking and contemplating.

Zeng Jinyan is the online blogger who fought a war of words against the secret police, telling about her experiences from the oppressive activities of the Beijing secret police which was blocked by China and she was harassed and intimated for doing so. She used blogging as the medium to make the truth become her power to reach out to the world to let it know what is happening.

Blogging isn’t simply just words, it allows people to put their emotion into it where others can feel it too. And nowadays, even flash videos are integrated into blog pages, using mediums like you tube or Google video. The online flash video revolution meeting the blogging revolution, v-blogging. The world is rapidly changing. Years ago when I had a look at blogging for the first time, it had just words. Now with RSS feeds, flash videos, blogs which are viewed thousands of times in a single day, so much has changed.

The day and age of self advertising had become part of our culture. And many youths begin to follow it. To seek to become popular in a culture, to reach out the world and make their mark. When I was in secondary school, friendster and my space was a way of defining one’s popularity, the no. of friends and views of one’s profile made an impact on society. Pictures and profiles, it became part of society, to not follow it, would make you seem like an outcast. This is where the pressures of conforming come along. I must say, I did conform to that pressure, most of my friends did. For some, it became a popularity contest.

Before long, the world which seemed to become vibrant and alive, full of color from this new culture soon became blurred, and the color soon seemed to fade. Most individuals simply blogged what happened in their life daily, not really talking about issues that happened around them or in the world, no true contemplating about their life and the world. It was simply just stating what was going on in their life, such as their activities and that was it, less and less people truly wrote. A blog that was a dairy, a form of reflection become a report, a report to the world on what you were doing.

I intend to contemplate, to dream to write and blog.

Thoughts drawn from a river,
A diamond bracelet constricts her hand,
She sheds a tear of blood,
And breaths deep before the plunge.

Filled by flowing emotions,
The chains of her past begin to pull her down,
Her screams make no sound,
Drowning in her crushed dreams.

Awoken from this nightmare,
She kicks off the sands of past,
Taking off the bracelet,
She walks off holding his hand
-The diamond bracelet