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Saturday, 25 August 2007

Reflection

When will we get there?
A pause within a moment,
Promises with a smile,
What is there to right?
I think I see a lot in plain sight,
But so little worth fighting for.

Severance from reality,
The truth seems to breaking,
Everyone seems to be waiting,
A fallen tear shed,
Many years ago,
With many more to come.

What was lost?
Pity about the loss,
Forgive it for what it was,
Frightened by the toss,
Shrouded by the frenzy,
Becoming a forgotten cause.

What is there worth fighting for?
Issues thrown into the fray,
But which to fix?
Frowns upon the promises made,
A pause within a moment,
When will we get there?
-When will we get there?

The mist clouds much before me, on an empty road. A cold morning it was, around two. The road stretched out before me, I could not see very far, and there as I walked I thought about where I was now.

Right now, a gap in my life was soon to end, two years that I’d never get back, of which I had no choice, but to serve. I’ve met many people, learnt and matured much from my interactions and experiences. Saw the ugly side of people, and of course much of my own, people were my mirror. Given a better understanding of life, I know that as I see more of the bigger picture, knowing more and more and seeing past the word “I” and seeing and feeling of the word “us”.

When I contemplate about what I have done for the most of my national service, I actually regret much of what I have done. For the first time, I truly regret having lived the slack vocation of which I got. I would rather have done more, become what I am physically and mentally capable of. But what is one to do when the government doesn’t allow it? I did not choose to be born with this minor flaw, yes I have a kryptonite, but everyone has his or her kryptonite in one way or another. Like a clause within a contract that forbids one, which perhaps if I actually fought for, I might have gotten, but I guess in a way it was fear of fighting the system stopped me; to me it was a moment of weakness, because I did nothing to change what was given to me, although I wanted more. And here I thought I’d never regret anything in my life because it always taught me and gave me experiences. I made it a point to live life without regret, yet the experiences I got were not something I felt was worth the two years. The slack life of army was never what I wanted, I wanted the hardest bit national service could throw at me, the toughest training and best appointment a national serviceman could get. A commando officer. But that’s wishful thinking, too late, the damage had been done, I’ve loss a good chunk of time already and have not been as fit as I was originally was before army. In fact people would think I’m stupid or crazy for not wanting what I was given, and that I should be grateful for the easy life I got, and that I was a fool for wanting the toughest training an national serviceman could get. But I wanted the experience, to learn from it, to know what it was like to be one of the elite soldiers in the army, in a way it was a dream. However, a consolation that I got was that I got to meet a really good marital artist, whose skill and strength was far beyond what I had. For the first time in my life, I met someone who actually practiced something that paled every unarmed combat I’ve seen, learnt and practiced. It was mixed martial arts; it brought together all the best aspects of different martial arts.

I’ve learnt much from then, becoming a stronger person, physically and mentally. What I lost was my ability to run, and gained weight, due to a year of little physical activity and too much food. Of course, I’ve managed to work a lot back since the year of slacking off, but I have yet to get back to my peak. I’ve perhaps more strength, but less athletic ability. I’d rather have more speed and endurance over being able to lift more weight.

Perhaps, the reason for my regret is because of the slack life I got in the army as it made me slack and unfit. What I wanted was the tough training, of course, it might be different when it isn’t voluntary. But I was willing to go for it. That’s why I knew I’d prefer it. Physically and mentally prepared, until my enlistment, I had trained hard for to ensure that I could endure, and perhaps surpass the requirements. I wanted it, pity it all came to naught.

What I got to see in the end, were several groups of people who had genuine physical problems, people who wanted to avoid physical training and people who had physical problems and wanted to avoid training. Those who wanted to avoid training tried to “keng” or bluff that they were not well or fit for physical duty. For those who “keng” they reflected poor characters. Of course what I found was, it reflected on me too, I was affected by those around me who were like that, so much that it rubbed off on me.

It’s what made me regret ending up where I was. I wished I never had that flaw, so that I would have had a different military life. That perhaps I would have had a stronger discipline with the different vocation. I wanted what was on the other side of the coin. I’ve become better in certain aspects, but horribly undisciplined, which I had to struggle to fix.

And so it is coming to an end, I’ve lived most of the slack life, and can’t change much about the work, and neither do I want to change anything now as it would amount to nothing much. The only the thing I can do, is work towards my future. Leaving behind an army life I’d rather have done differently, I can now focus on things I must get done.

Fulfill what I want to do for my life, studies, charity work, acting, physical training. The rest of the aspects I’ve not mentioned are pretty much alright right now, those that I’ve mentioned have yet to fulfilled. I guess that’s where I ask myself, “When will we get there?”

I am on that road, which is misted up, and I can’t see very far in front. It’s starting to get cold. And though I can’t see far, I must walk on.

I breathe deeply before the contemplation,
Of the many things that I can’t escape,
Of the thoughts the mind would weave,
Where much of which I’ve said,
Had been left unanswered.

Just a little insight to this plight,
Perhaps a hint of the truth,
Was all I’d ask,
So that my thoughts would not take flight,
Yet the silence was all I got.

All those around,
Well aware,
Yet they say nothing,
The silence was deafening,
What was their cause?

Standing before the jury,
Before the evidence of my pass,
The judgment was already made,
Cut down by their unforgiving stares,
Frozen hearts of ice.

Stepping forward and away from the cage,
Ignoring the cage of their judgment,
I am no merchant of emotion,
I have no heart of ice,
But neither do I punish others with silence.

The jury fades in the shadows,
They cry out,
The mute are no more,
They have no hold,
Their just forgotten shadows now.
-Finding one’s self.

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