From the edge

Holding onto the rope of a long forgotten sentence,
Where the words begin to fade slowly away,
Knowing that it is now beyond recall.

I’ve smoked the last stub from this pipe of dreams,
Letting it fill my head as the smoke slowly clears,
Where I rest against a cracked wall and look up at the sky.

A drop of cold dew lands on my face,
The drop slowly dripping down,
I open my scarred hand to catch its falling grace.

Evaporating like the evanescence of my dreams as it falls,
Reminding me of how many things have come to past,
How many things that are now long lost.

I close my palm gently on the evanescent drop,
Feeling my heart beating hard in my chest as I press the drop against it,
Breathing in the electric air and taking in the flair.
-Things to treasure.

A final moment in a cold room surrounded by no warmth, and the clock strikes twelve, and so begins the twenty first year of my life. I spent my final hour of last year in an operations room, serving my country one last time.

I pretty much have only two things left to do, say goodbye to my comrades and start the process of becoming a civilian once more. No obligation left to the military, but I guess I still have to serve the country one way another, in different forms, the price of citizenship. Most people who look back at their military service have much memories or memorable experiences, and I guess I’ve had plenty to see, experience and learn. That I am grateful for, though more money would have made life a lot easier. The pay was insufficient, it was enough to survive, but not enough to enjoy. Life wasn’t a luxury.

I can’t wait to go and work for a few months before school starts, actually earn a decent amount of money, meet new people, have a more mixed group of colleagues and add something new to my resume. I hunger for something new, something fresh. With the help of one of my closest friends, I’ll get it. I truly wonder what mediacorp has to offer, and I am up for the challenge to do it well. The next thing on my list of priorities (Besides money making) is to catch up more with my friends and get myself in more active sports. My basketball is kind of soft and underused, a 2004 converse that’s still in good condition, I guess I’ll pick it up once more, time to start with the basics, practicing my dribbling.

Taking a look at what basketball was to me, it was a sport that I took up in secondary school. To be truthful, I was never really good at it, but I enjoyed the sport, it was a lot of fun and I spent much of my secondary school time playing basketball. The reason why I started playing it was because of an anime called slam dunk which inspired me to play it.

Even though I did not have the skill, I made use of fitness to play, my advantage over most players was my stamina and jumping which despite my overweight body then and lack of height, was better than most average players. I’d have to thank my running for that, and crazy squatting and running with 30 to 40kg climbing gear up Bukit Timah hill.

Those were the days, when I pushed my legs all the time. I never trained my upper body much but focused so much on my running and lifting of weight. My legs were double the size they are now when I was sixteen which was the peak of my leg strength and mass. I’d say, I looked weird back then, having legs that were like a body builders with an upper body that looked so unfit. But it was amazing to be able to jump high and handle so much strain then. I felt like I could fly, I felt invincible.

If I were to compete with my younger self in terms of lower body strength, I would lose thoroughly through and through. Thanks to long distance running two years ago, a recent broken toe, lack of regular training during these two years, and more focus on my upper body, I’ve lost much of the muscle and strength I gained during that time. I do hope to regain at least most of that strength back, but with my condition, I don’t know I can ever train as hard as I used to back then. So much for this Clark Kent with kryptonite strapped to his back.

What advantage I do have now, is more knowledge on training effectively. The disadvantage is that I am not as driven as I used to be. I had zeal once, and I’ve lost much of it, I do hope to find it again once more. Till then, I have to rely purely on discipline and my desire to keep on improving myself.

My approach to life now is to follow a list of priorities, and having the discipline to achieve these priorities. Over the last few years, my path of life has changed quite a bit which now requires me to reset some goals in my life in order to know where my focus in life should be. The three things aside from my relations with people are studies, fitness and money, in order of importance, study being the most important.

The reason for this priority is time. Time is something that is most precious, and now that I am twenty, I don’t have a lot of time to waste because I am no longer considered a teenager but more of an adult, thus studies hold a large priority in my life. Fitness goes with my studies now more than ever because exercise will be the school of my study, thus they will go hand in hand.

Money, which is essential for many things, comes in various degrees of importance in terms of requirements. The bare essentials for paying for phone bills, transport and food to the moderate luxuries of clothes, games and entertainment to the extravagance of holidays and fine dining. Right now, before my school starts, I can afford to spend time earning money to perhaps cover some of my moderate luxuries, but it is of least importance because I will have more time than anything else to earn money once I am done studying, and most importantly not wasting time by doing well in my studies to prevent delays.

Looking back, it seems like only yesterday when I was sixteen, starting uni, it was such an alluring concept, early degree, faster than all my peers, even my female counterparts. But it showed my folly and immaturity because I simply scrapped through with what I needed, yes I left the course in decent standing, to get that certificate I surely would have gotten without a doubt, but was that enough? My parents expected more, and so did I, I guess I needed time to think about my life, on what I wanted to do with my life.

I still have the option of returning to uni, but I have found a different path I wish to take, and business is not what I want. My interests lie in sports and if it means going backwards to achieve what I want, I welcome it, because I’ve kind of missed out on experience of pre-uni. A new experience, a lesson to be learnt, a whole new world I’ve yet to touch, and definitely with a more mature mind than I had when I was sixteen. Four years on, with much more room for maturing and growing up still, I feel more prepared and determined to achieve the best. It’s time to spread my wings and fly once more. Free.


Within this river are oceans of unwashed thoughts,
I find myself constrained in these subtleties,
Sometimes I find myself lying down on its bed,
Looking up at the world in a construed view.
-Through the looking glass