Reach into the dream

Shift your focus a little,
Imagine the future that is untold,
Of things that are unpredictable,
Make a wish upon this star’s dust.

Think about how far we’ve come.

About life’s wonder wall,
Can we climb it?

I’d hold my breath,
And take that plunge,
If you’d hold my hand.

To see that smile,
Is so divine,
Even for a moment,
Just for a while.
-For a while

Regret is something I’ve heard too often from some people; they always seem to be regretting this choice and that choice. I find that they carry so much baggage with them when they regret. It’s like a weight that weighs down their mind, blinding them to so much of the world, of its beauty, of its wonders. It leaves them blaming many things, which makes them bitter, and they can only see the negatives.

I’ve got no regret for my current life, of what I’ve done, but it doesn’t mean I love everything I’ve done and experienced, I simply am appreciative of it making the way I am. It shapes my mind so much, made me what I am and of course like I’ve written before, makes life worth living, because no one will ever live my life but me. I’ve got this precious gift, and what I make of it is my choice to a great extent, sure it’s controlled here and there by others, but ultimately what I make of the choices available is entirely me, I still shape my future.

So are there times that I feel anger, hatred towards others? In a sense feel regret for doing something? I cannot say I’ve not felt such an emotion, but I learnt to let things go. Because at the end of the day, harboring such a feeling would eat up at you inside, all those “what ifs?” would murder you from within. I don’t contemplate about the what if, but I do like to reminiscence about my life, and appreciate the nostalgia and memories. I’m quite happy with them, and I feel that I’ve got so much to be grateful for, you can’t have the world, but you can be satisfied. Ask yourself this question, which is better? Having everything and still wanting more, or being satisfied and happy? We can always strive for something better, nothing wrong with that, but we must learn to be happy with ourselves, as that’s where we live without regret.

Often than not, what makes us unhappy is the troubles we encounter throughout our life that make us upset. Many factors can trouble one’s mind, but in the end you must think about what can ease your mind, of to people who have been kind, but often not, to these we are blind. The negative is so easy to dwell upon, it’s like a wall that just seems so hard to climb, and see beyond as it blocks your vision.

When we actually climb to the top of it, and see beyond, are we ready to jump off that wall to take the plunge? Into the side where we see promise and future and allow ourselves to hope and believe that there might be a chance. We often choose not to climb.

Because it’s so difficult, it’s so much easier to stare at it, curse at it and feel angry or sad. The choices given to us have so many varying degrees of difficulty, but when weighs what is better in a logical manner, which is often hard to do, it may seem clear cut on what one must do, unfortunately, thing’s are so hard to see.

It’s not easy to see when the wall’s right in your face, and you’re just an inch away, it’s hard to think when something is just right there, blocking everything and you can push against it, and the feeling just overwhelms you.

Take a moment to pause, and perhaps step back away from that wall. It’s so hard when you first arrive at the wall, as often we are so close to it, and we can see anything else. When our mind is filled with what upsets us, we cannot see much, the solution or way around it is so difficult to see. That’s why when if you had actually stopped for a moment, and maybe stood back, in a 3rd person point of view, the whole situation might be easier to deal with.

Imagine yourself as the friend listening to your friend’s problem, and then you can see it in a different light or point of view. Perhaps then, you can see the wall, and actually know how high it is, how you should take your first step to climb it. Not every wall can be walked around, but if you can climb it, you can definitely go over it, and remember, climbing the wall doesn’t have to be on your own. Because often when we’re at that wall, we’re hurt emotionally, and don’t have the normal conviction and strength we usually have to deal with such things. Remember, Remember, you don’t always have to do it alone.

When one encounters a wall that is beyond their own capability to climb, one might need help, to climb it. That’s when friends and family can come in. They can provide the base and support needed to climb over that wall.

And finally when you’ve reached the top, and can view everything that the wall has blocked, it comes to the next part which is sometimes just as difficult, the higher the wall, the harder it may be to take the plunge. It can seem scary, because of fear, that’s when one must remember, those who helped them climb the wall, are also there to catch you when you take the plunge. So remember.

I found a rabbit hole,
It leads to a place unknown,
Would you take the plunge?
Are you willing to lose it all?

Press the tape recorder and begin.

Pack your belongings and steal away with me,
Listen to the band play the piece,
And get carried away,
By the music of this game.

Take a moment to catch your breath.

Living is the constant we must achieve,
Every step a calculated choice,
With everything to lose,
And everything to gain.

Can you hear the phone ringing?

I’m calling to your heart,
From behind the stained glass,
With my hand against it,
Waiting for yours.
-Reach into the dream

Mark of the infinity

I bear the mark of infinity on my hand,
Standing with my arms thrown back,
And looking over the shadows,
I take a deep breath before,
The deepest darkest plunge.

Many a moment flashes past.

A broken stick is left in my hand,
It’s been there for so long,
I almost forgot what it was,
When it was whole.

Where does the moment meet and end?
-Making the infinite plunge

Much has happened in the time since I’ve written. I’ve started an web photo blog, which has far less writing and lots of pictures, that sort of documents much of what I do. But at the end of the day, I find that writing is still what I prefer more. Over there I do feel the constriction and desire to write, but I know that the blog wasn’t meant for such a thing.

I know when I write here, I write for myself, no one else, otherwise I would not write so long. That other blog feels like its more for others rather than myself, sure it is fun, but it doesn’t have the feel of me actually writing my thoughts on it.

Over the month, I’ve experienced new things, had a lot of fun, suffered a betrayal and made new friends whom for the first in long time have given me the vibe of being long term friends. Most friends are those who get forgotten over time, but I feel that the bond between the current guys I’ve met in Republic Canoe (Sprint Kayak) those special few, are truly closer than what I remembered in army.

Much of what I’ve gone through has made me somewhat different from the last month. It allows me to see a bonding that creates a clear gap in my closeness between my classmates and me. The closeness is no where as near there compared to Canoe. Despite seeing these people everyday, I realize that much of the way they are still keeps me apart from them. Canoe has quite a large number of older guys who are quite mature, which makes me feel more comfortable.

I cannot deny that I feel old in school, being the eldest in class, and seeing how people act and react to situations puts me off somewhat. There is a generation gap there, which has prevented me from showing my true self in class, which I find that few will ever see. I know that when I am in school, in class and in training, I am dead serious, and I don’t want to be distracted in either. When its time to work, it should be done and done well, and when its time to train its when full focus comes into play, I truly love the feeling of pumping up yourself to work hard with your team mates, something I’ve not had in many years.
My paradigm has shifted slightly, which gives me more perspective and comparison to a lot of things, and I find that I enjoy school a lot, despite having some gap between me and classmates, we work well that’s for sure, but there are just certain things I can’t identify with at all, fortunately everything is mutually fine, it would be considered positive acquaintances.

What else has changed? I am for one single after the longest time. Something I’ve not been in such a long time. It feels funny to actually say that word. I actually counted the days I was single when it first happened. I guess I’ve been given a freedom that I never really desired or thought of much. I’m so used to just living my life and improving myself. So many of my close friends said it’s good to take time off to be single, to discover more about myself and mature emotionally.

They said, despite being more matured when it comes to making most decisions, I hadn’t matured much emotionally as I had been in a relationship for so long. I guess it’s a lot to think about and contemplate, but I know that when I make a choice, I stick to it and take time to reflect about my life, which gives me perspective and drive to achieve whats important to me. To list out the important things, aside from family obligations and health and close friends, it would be school and training. These are the most important aspects of my life that I will bring along with me throughout my life. My grades will affect where I go and how much I will study whilst my training will give me the fitness and strength I have long to come and respect as it takes dedication to achieve, which is something I hold dear to myself.

Speaking about training, I’m a little confused by this little machine in the school gym that is supposed to check your body fat percentage. Every time I use it, my fat percentage seems to drop. The numbers went from 9.5% to 7.6% to 6.4% to the latest of 5.6%. This was on the setting of normal, and then on the athletic, it reflected 10.5% currently, so I assume my body fat was 10.5% which is the lowest I’ve ever had in my life, because previously when I was lighter and running a lot my fat percentage was so much higher, 18%? To be honest, I think the machine is not working properly.

All this training probably has had much of an effect on me. As of today, I’ve had 4 days of training straight this week. 3 gym sessions and 1 water training, tomorrow’s a day to celebrate a canoe mate’s birthday, while the next day will be water training, and I’d fit in a run if I had the time. Not only that I will be training in the gym on Sunday. That’s working out 6 days a week. I must say its time to take a break tomorrow, as the next break will be quite a while away, with tons more of training to go.

When I hear the bells ringing,
I remember the moment when I leaned over,
And you smiled as I rested my head on your shoulder,
Bring me back to the time.

The time when you were young.

When in the sun shine as stretched across the field,
Where you’d turn towards me and look,
And I could see it,
That lovely smile of yours.
-The juicy zest of life.

Where there is a reason,
To stare into the infinity,
You'd understand why I sin,
With the choices I'm given,
Living proof of what I uphold,
I am the one who bears the mark,
The mark of who I am.
-Mark of Infinity