Ascension
Have you thought about it?
All the relations you have built?
The crowd surrounds like a faceless blur,
Their all there,
But is it a false sense of accomplishment?
Is it a lie? Is life truly like this?
We perceive what we choose to see,
We become who we want to be,
Or is it something that we don’t truly see?
Are others the ones who decide?
In these hurried times you make a choice.
Even without the truth,
Without a light,
In these uncertainties,
It’s time to take that leap of faith.
-Perception and faith
Have you ever questioned what is real? There are so many things around us which we often don’t ask ourselves or choose not to, on whether the things we do is real. What do I mean by real? Being real is something that is done with the true desire to do it, something you truly believe in. But then, belief, it comes at another question, is belief enough to make it real?
Belief is a perception, if we believe something, it becomes real to us. So if everyone thought something was true, does it make it real? From here, we could continue to branch out to many topics and still go on and on, and this would end up as a ten thousand word article, which almost all of you who read this would never finish. Most people would not even finish the thousand word plus articles I write. So when you apply the word real to the readers of these articles, are any of you real readers of my articles? Do you actually read word for word, from beginning to end? Do you desire to read it? Do you simply read to see what’s going on in my life?
If you did, I guess you’d see my emotions in my writing, it reflects part of how my life is, the snapshots of state of mind and not exactly what happened in a literal sense. My poetry is like the summary of most of what happened, but the writings in between often hold so much more of my contemplations.
So to me, is this blog real? I have another where I write briefly about what happens in my life, posting pictures and showing the world what happens. It is a real representation of the exciting things in my life, though not every moment, thus I’d say its real, but does it reflect my true state of mind? In that sense, it would not be real. Brings us to the question of is it possible for something to be real and unreal at the same thing?
The sevendaysoftheweek blog has real pictures of me, has my writing and reflections about them, but only on the surface level. This surface level is real, but the deeper thoughts are not there, thus in terms of my writing styles and blogging style, it’s not the real me. Thus, I’d say that’s when the real and unreal merge, forming a different part.
Looking at things that are real, the largest part of our lives that we often should question if they are real is the relations we keep. Are these relations real? Why are they formed? Do they even hold real weight in our lives? In our life we will meet many people, who come and go, many whom we will forget, many whom we’ll briefly meet, but only a small number whom we will spend most of our time with and maintain relationships with. It is so easy for someone to fall out of relations if the bond is not strong and people don’t meet up.
That’s why as time goes on, the friends seem to change, and you look at how people are and their shift in loyalties or treatment of you. Often, it gets harder to see people for whether they truly like you and like to spend time with you the more you go into things that are considered “popular” Following the trends set by groups or people and becoming well known tends to blur the line of real and unreal. It makes it hard to determine if the person really would be your friend without this “popularity”
I’ve always shunned this form of “popularity” But then again, what about a trend you set? I realize by doing different things, by pursuing what I like, it ultimately does come with attention, and can end up being “popular” It is then when I don’t feel like pursuing what I enjoyed doing because of the “popularity” When I was the joker last month, I experienced a height of attention given towards me despite not revealing my name to those who don’t know me. When people asked me for my name, I only smiled and said it was “Joker”
Despite the numerous girls who wanted to take photos with me and get my name and number in Zouk, I chose not to give them; instead I maintained the persona of the Joker and told them I was the Joker. Being the Joker was not being me, but someone else, it was being in character, it was an act and people liked that, but it wasn’t the real me. I love acting so much, because at the end of the day it’s like living as another person for that moment of time. For that moment, I really become that person, I think and feel like the character, and for that moment it is real to me.
But at the end of the day, after the character has faded away, and I’ve reverted to myself, people still want to associate with me because of the character I played. I realized how plastic everything feels, the bitter after taste of “fame and popularity”. My use of these terms are in a small scale, I am not talking about huge groups knowing me, but those who see me and interact with during those moments want to know me for that. Most people I’ll meet probably will fade into the background quickly, but I want to have interactions with people as the real me so that when I find those who’d not fade away, that I could have real relations with them, something that would last.
I want to get to know people as the real me, and for them to be interested in knowing me as I am rather than any other way. I want it to be real, the want to know Kwan, not joker, not sandman, not something else, but just Kwan.
Do you hear the song of their voices?
The air becomes empty for a moment,
And the flowers begin to bloom,
And at that moment,
The sun is blocked by a sudden shadow.
The voices become silent,
The warmth once known is gone,
Even as the snow flakes fall,
Life carries on.
So why should you pause?
-Life carries on.
Monday, 24 November 2008
Sunday, 26 October 2008
Hurried times
In a world where everything’s standing still,
In these hurried times,
I hold her close to me,
I hear the slowing beat.
She’s not breathing back.
There isn’t anything I recognize,
In these hurried times,
I find myself letting it bother me,
I wonder if the world would crumble under me.
I try not to show it.
But it shows.
-In these hurried times.
Twenty years ten months and twenty seven days… The clock is ticking, and I see the seconds go by, before I realize it, many minutes have passed as I sit here in my room thinking. I reflect about how far I’ve come in my life, and see that I have experienced much but someone how just not enough.
Will I ever have enough experience in life? Time and time again I have talked about how important it is to learn and reflect about one’s life experiences. Two people might live the exact life but turn out different, because what that learnt and reflected from these experiences was different.
How I think, how I learnt, how I reflected made me the person I am today. All the choices I made in my life have lead me up to this point, all the emotions I have chosen to feel have molded me to this point, all that I have gained from these experiences. One could have an experience I become the epitome of evil, or could turn out the total opposite, it boils down to a matter of what one learns and gains and ultimately chooses. Everything boils down to choice, the choice of whether one chooses to become or feel that way. Some say that have no control over their emotions, but they still had a choice on what they could do, no matter the emotional state, one still has a choice. There is a choice to feel a certain emotion and how strongly one wants to feel it.
One could engulf oneself in sadness and cry on the spot if one let such an emotion fill themselves up. One can also feel extremely happy if one let oneself fill themselves up with such an emotion. So at the end of the day, it brings us back to the person’s choice, do you choose to be happy or to be sad? Given the same situation, different people have different emotions that come with it, because they made a choice. Some would argue with me that they do not choose to feel that emotion at all, but let’s take another look.
Emotions are somewhat like a habit. Imagine you’re a person who has no emotion to begin with; think a robot with intelligence but no prejudices. One day you encounter a situation where a plate falls down in front of you, and then a menu pops up to give you several options on how to feel.
Option no.1: Happy
Option no.2: Sad
Option no.3: Angry
Option no.4: Feel nothing
Now of all the choices listed, usually the last 3 would be the more likely choices. People would say its unlikely one can be happy about something breaking. Think of it in a different paradigm, it is possible to be happy in the sense that one chooses to think positively by clearing up the mess helping the person who might have broken it, by getting them a new one, this way everyone feels better about it.
Now, let’s go back to the original purpose of what I am talking about. Say you made your choice, and emotion has been felt, the actions that go with have been done. The second time it happens again, you end up with less options. Let’s continue by assuming you took the sad option.
New popup menu:
Option no.1: Sad
Option no.2: Angry
Option no. 3: Feel nothing
Suppose you decided to take Angry again, eventually the next time the plate breaks again, your choices narrow down to the first two options, and the following time there is only one option left, which is Angry. From then on, every time a plate breaks, you get angry. And when someone asks you why you feel such an emotion, it’s because you’ve got no control of how you feel.
We all have choices, and the emotions we feel automatically are usually a result of making a choice and it slowly becoming a habit to the point we feel like we don’t have control over our own emotions anymore. That’s why it’s so important to realize the way we feel, and there is still a chance to change it, because… We are not robots! We have choices that we must make actively, and that way we can control our emotions.
For me, I think looking at things positively is something that I want to be automatic, but of course, it’s not the easiest thing because people around you can tend to be negative, thus they can sort of influence your “option menu” Hence we must make the choice to think positive. When one thinks positively, and chooses to make the most of what one has or is given, one can be different from another. Its like a person who is given a knife to survive in the jungle for a week, he can choose to stay there and die because he thinks its hopeless, or he can use it to find food, make a shelter, protect himself, the choice is all up to him, because he is living, he has life. And I have said before, life is strength, it is the ability to affect our world, it is the ability to affect our world.
We are given choices in our lives, what we make of our choices is entirely up to us, but remember, it makes a difference in our lives and the lives of others around us. So choose carefully.
Do you hear it ringing?
The bell is calling out to us,
Choose to open your eyes,
I feel the itch bothering me.
Where do we go from here?
Choices without a thought,
Often leaving us distraught,
Remember this is our lives,
Do we play with it so carelessly?
It’s not so easy to break away.
-Choices
In a world where everything’s standing still,
In these hurried times,
I hold her close to me,
I hear the slowing beat.
She’s not breathing back.
There isn’t anything I recognize,
In these hurried times,
I find myself letting it bother me,
I wonder if the world would crumble under me.
I try not to show it.
But it shows.
-In these hurried times.
Twenty years ten months and twenty seven days… The clock is ticking, and I see the seconds go by, before I realize it, many minutes have passed as I sit here in my room thinking. I reflect about how far I’ve come in my life, and see that I have experienced much but someone how just not enough.
Will I ever have enough experience in life? Time and time again I have talked about how important it is to learn and reflect about one’s life experiences. Two people might live the exact life but turn out different, because what that learnt and reflected from these experiences was different.
How I think, how I learnt, how I reflected made me the person I am today. All the choices I made in my life have lead me up to this point, all the emotions I have chosen to feel have molded me to this point, all that I have gained from these experiences. One could have an experience I become the epitome of evil, or could turn out the total opposite, it boils down to a matter of what one learns and gains and ultimately chooses. Everything boils down to choice, the choice of whether one chooses to become or feel that way. Some say that have no control over their emotions, but they still had a choice on what they could do, no matter the emotional state, one still has a choice. There is a choice to feel a certain emotion and how strongly one wants to feel it.
One could engulf oneself in sadness and cry on the spot if one let such an emotion fill themselves up. One can also feel extremely happy if one let oneself fill themselves up with such an emotion. So at the end of the day, it brings us back to the person’s choice, do you choose to be happy or to be sad? Given the same situation, different people have different emotions that come with it, because they made a choice. Some would argue with me that they do not choose to feel that emotion at all, but let’s take another look.
Emotions are somewhat like a habit. Imagine you’re a person who has no emotion to begin with; think a robot with intelligence but no prejudices. One day you encounter a situation where a plate falls down in front of you, and then a menu pops up to give you several options on how to feel.
Option no.1: Happy
Option no.2: Sad
Option no.3: Angry
Option no.4: Feel nothing
Now of all the choices listed, usually the last 3 would be the more likely choices. People would say its unlikely one can be happy about something breaking. Think of it in a different paradigm, it is possible to be happy in the sense that one chooses to think positively by clearing up the mess helping the person who might have broken it, by getting them a new one, this way everyone feels better about it.
Now, let’s go back to the original purpose of what I am talking about. Say you made your choice, and emotion has been felt, the actions that go with have been done. The second time it happens again, you end up with less options. Let’s continue by assuming you took the sad option.
New popup menu:
Option no.1: Sad
Option no.2: Angry
Option no. 3: Feel nothing
Suppose you decided to take Angry again, eventually the next time the plate breaks again, your choices narrow down to the first two options, and the following time there is only one option left, which is Angry. From then on, every time a plate breaks, you get angry. And when someone asks you why you feel such an emotion, it’s because you’ve got no control of how you feel.
We all have choices, and the emotions we feel automatically are usually a result of making a choice and it slowly becoming a habit to the point we feel like we don’t have control over our own emotions anymore. That’s why it’s so important to realize the way we feel, and there is still a chance to change it, because… We are not robots! We have choices that we must make actively, and that way we can control our emotions.
For me, I think looking at things positively is something that I want to be automatic, but of course, it’s not the easiest thing because people around you can tend to be negative, thus they can sort of influence your “option menu” Hence we must make the choice to think positive. When one thinks positively, and chooses to make the most of what one has or is given, one can be different from another. Its like a person who is given a knife to survive in the jungle for a week, he can choose to stay there and die because he thinks its hopeless, or he can use it to find food, make a shelter, protect himself, the choice is all up to him, because he is living, he has life. And I have said before, life is strength, it is the ability to affect our world, it is the ability to affect our world.
We are given choices in our lives, what we make of our choices is entirely up to us, but remember, it makes a difference in our lives and the lives of others around us. So choose carefully.
Do you hear it ringing?
The bell is calling out to us,
Choose to open your eyes,
I feel the itch bothering me.
Where do we go from here?
Choices without a thought,
Often leaving us distraught,
Remember this is our lives,
Do we play with it so carelessly?
It’s not so easy to break away.
-Choices
Saturday, 2 August 2008
Unrated Emotions
Silence, is it a cruelty or a kindness?
A respect towards another or lack of care?
Remove yourself from you emotions,
And stand back and look at the shadow cast.
You hear yourself dripping over the phone.
You listen carefully for the howling wind,
That moves you from place to place,
Where will it go next?
Don’t you want to change pace?
Stand your ground and hold on tight.
Everybody is surrendering all around,
Give yourself a reason to be here,
Close your eyes and visualize,
Feel the hand in yours.
Hold me tight.
- Hold on tight.
I stood there in my white shirt with my left hand at my side clutching a dark red rose, pondering about the moment when I should let go of it and continue on my journey. I remember the quote, “Sometimes you have to let things go in order to move forward”
I’ve let go of so many things in my life, and it has helped me moved forward with my life where I don’t carry the weight of it on my shoulders. Of course, remembering them brings back emotions, perhaps not as raw and intense as when it first occurred but it reminds oneself of how one felt then. The things that might trigger them, a certain song that was played then, a song that reflects that moment… So many possibilities, the moments where you sit down alone and reflect and fill yourself with emotions that sometimes might feel overwhelming, and you question yourself why you’re feeling such emotions?
We’re all entitled to our moments where we feel down for no apparent reason, but we need to able to pull ourselves out of it and return to reality, the path we are currently on, not the path that we were on. Such memories serve well as experiences that mold us, so we keep them with us throughout our lives. Use it well, not as something that will hold you back.
On the path we are currently on, the thing we will encounter most, which is perhaps the most constant thing, is change. It’s something that happens throughout our entire lives. Life is about change, sometimes its painful, sometimes its beautiful, but most of the time its both. That is what makes life worth living. We affect change, it’s what gives us power, the ability to change things, affect our world, others. We are agents of change.
Life is strength, you live you affect your world, it is undeniable. The choices we have, have the ability to affect our world, it’s the truth about life. What we do with our lives is a whole different story. Have you sat down and saw how you fit in the grander picture? Whose lives you will affect, you will change. Are we simply victims of circumstances with no choice? “When a man cannot choose he ceases to be a man.” This is taken from the movie Clockwork Orange, if we don’t have the choice, we are no longer men, that is why in the world we live in today, we are men who have choices, and what we do determines who we are.
Simply thinking about doing good makes no difference in this world, the actions reflect the man, not his thoughts. If you take a person who has nothing but hatred in this world saving lives and changing others for the better, is he not better than the man who loves the world yet does nothing to help? We are all given life, we are given strength, to think about using it is nice, but the truth is, the action is what makes the difference.
The question of it all is, who do we see as the better man? The one who uses the life he is given, or the one who doesn’t? Or do we judge him by the way he thinks? Let us look at why do they think it yet don’t act. We live in a society where everyone is taught courtesy, with campaigns and posters teaching how people should act in certain situations.
I’ve seen people who are deemed “good” citizens in courtesy wise, where they give up their seats to old people and pregnant ladies in trains and buses. But when it comes down to rushing over to help someone who has fallen on the floor at the entrance of the train carriage just as the door is closing, no one does anything, these “good” citizens simply gawk and stare, not even moving to help.
I remembered the moment, I rushed there to help the lady up, with only one other rushing over to look but not even offering a hand. If one is not taught such an act, are they incapable of doing it? Perhaps they thought of helping, but did not act. In this world, actions are more important than thinking it. Perhaps, none of these people encountered this scenario, or were “taught” about how to react in that situation. This is where the divide occurs, the person who acts and the person who doesn’t, suppose there is this person who is considered “evil or bad” compared to the rest of the “good” citizens, taking my place in that moment, helping that lady. Does that make that “bad” person better than these “good” citizens? Even if he delighted in the fall of the lady and laughed at her, if helped her, he made a bigger difference than those who may have felt sorry for the lady who fell, because he was the one who saved her.
So based on the thinking of the person and his action? Which weighs out more? A thought is not real, but an action is. Though it would be best if the person thought of good and did good, but when it comes down to the debate of thinking versus action, I must say that the person who acts is still better than the person who thinks in this aspect.
As the droplets fall on my head,
I looked down and close my eyes,
Feeling the constriction around my finger,
A ring with a string attached to it.
The string is connected to my heart,
Which is linked to a trigger,
The wind blows across my face,
My hair blowing wildly to one side.
I lift my head up and press,
The deafening sound leaving nothing,
But a ringing sound in my ears,
As I fall to my knees.
-Push the button.
Silence, is it a cruelty or a kindness?
A respect towards another or lack of care?
Remove yourself from you emotions,
And stand back and look at the shadow cast.
You hear yourself dripping over the phone.
You listen carefully for the howling wind,
That moves you from place to place,
Where will it go next?
Don’t you want to change pace?
Stand your ground and hold on tight.
Everybody is surrendering all around,
Give yourself a reason to be here,
Close your eyes and visualize,
Feel the hand in yours.
Hold me tight.
- Hold on tight.
I stood there in my white shirt with my left hand at my side clutching a dark red rose, pondering about the moment when I should let go of it and continue on my journey. I remember the quote, “Sometimes you have to let things go in order to move forward”
I’ve let go of so many things in my life, and it has helped me moved forward with my life where I don’t carry the weight of it on my shoulders. Of course, remembering them brings back emotions, perhaps not as raw and intense as when it first occurred but it reminds oneself of how one felt then. The things that might trigger them, a certain song that was played then, a song that reflects that moment… So many possibilities, the moments where you sit down alone and reflect and fill yourself with emotions that sometimes might feel overwhelming, and you question yourself why you’re feeling such emotions?
We’re all entitled to our moments where we feel down for no apparent reason, but we need to able to pull ourselves out of it and return to reality, the path we are currently on, not the path that we were on. Such memories serve well as experiences that mold us, so we keep them with us throughout our lives. Use it well, not as something that will hold you back.
On the path we are currently on, the thing we will encounter most, which is perhaps the most constant thing, is change. It’s something that happens throughout our entire lives. Life is about change, sometimes its painful, sometimes its beautiful, but most of the time its both. That is what makes life worth living. We affect change, it’s what gives us power, the ability to change things, affect our world, others. We are agents of change.
Life is strength, you live you affect your world, it is undeniable. The choices we have, have the ability to affect our world, it’s the truth about life. What we do with our lives is a whole different story. Have you sat down and saw how you fit in the grander picture? Whose lives you will affect, you will change. Are we simply victims of circumstances with no choice? “When a man cannot choose he ceases to be a man.” This is taken from the movie Clockwork Orange, if we don’t have the choice, we are no longer men, that is why in the world we live in today, we are men who have choices, and what we do determines who we are.
Simply thinking about doing good makes no difference in this world, the actions reflect the man, not his thoughts. If you take a person who has nothing but hatred in this world saving lives and changing others for the better, is he not better than the man who loves the world yet does nothing to help? We are all given life, we are given strength, to think about using it is nice, but the truth is, the action is what makes the difference.
The question of it all is, who do we see as the better man? The one who uses the life he is given, or the one who doesn’t? Or do we judge him by the way he thinks? Let us look at why do they think it yet don’t act. We live in a society where everyone is taught courtesy, with campaigns and posters teaching how people should act in certain situations.
I’ve seen people who are deemed “good” citizens in courtesy wise, where they give up their seats to old people and pregnant ladies in trains and buses. But when it comes down to rushing over to help someone who has fallen on the floor at the entrance of the train carriage just as the door is closing, no one does anything, these “good” citizens simply gawk and stare, not even moving to help.
I remembered the moment, I rushed there to help the lady up, with only one other rushing over to look but not even offering a hand. If one is not taught such an act, are they incapable of doing it? Perhaps they thought of helping, but did not act. In this world, actions are more important than thinking it. Perhaps, none of these people encountered this scenario, or were “taught” about how to react in that situation. This is where the divide occurs, the person who acts and the person who doesn’t, suppose there is this person who is considered “evil or bad” compared to the rest of the “good” citizens, taking my place in that moment, helping that lady. Does that make that “bad” person better than these “good” citizens? Even if he delighted in the fall of the lady and laughed at her, if helped her, he made a bigger difference than those who may have felt sorry for the lady who fell, because he was the one who saved her.
So based on the thinking of the person and his action? Which weighs out more? A thought is not real, but an action is. Though it would be best if the person thought of good and did good, but when it comes down to the debate of thinking versus action, I must say that the person who acts is still better than the person who thinks in this aspect.
As the droplets fall on my head,
I looked down and close my eyes,
Feeling the constriction around my finger,
A ring with a string attached to it.
The string is connected to my heart,
Which is linked to a trigger,
The wind blows across my face,
My hair blowing wildly to one side.
I lift my head up and press,
The deafening sound leaving nothing,
But a ringing sound in my ears,
As I fall to my knees.
-Push the button.
Friday, 18 July 2008
The clockwork mind
I hear the dead silence for that moment,
Before the clock strikes twelve,
As the gears begin to turn,
I look at the object in my hand.
The final card that has yet to be dealt.
The tick tocks of the clockwork,
As the twins of fate seem driven to meet,
I close my eyes,
And tilt my head slightly backwards.
It all ends with the sound of a click.
-Into the mind behind closed doors.
As I sit down here, I hear the music pouring from the speakers into the room, a score that makes me ponder about the side of a person who managed to create such a character.
The movie dark knight was outstanding, and something that took my breath away. The movie was truly a reflection of an extremely well created and acted character, the joker. To see the expressions and actions of the joker was amazing, Heath Ledger was amazing. I can only imagine what he faced in the room he stayed in a room for a month.
Can you imagine yourself being in a room for one month? To play the joker, the lengths he took to create his character, a culmination of dedication to his craft. Living alone in a hotel room for a month, he spent the time creating the joker’s manner, psyche, voice and posture. Slowly becoming the character, and keeping a diary where he recorded the thoughts and feelings of the character.
Heath Ledger used inspirations from a masterpiece called clockwork orange, another movie that I feel is truly amazing, something that combines ultra-violence and sex and morals with the most radical symbolism for its time. It is something that I think, those who are prepared for something that is radical for this country, should watch.
Like having a conversation with one’s self, reflecting and thinking about what it is like to think in such a manner, to feel such emotions, to be able to think like the joker, to act psychotic yet incredibly intelligent. The amount of brooding one would have to do, reflecting from multiple points of views, ranging from a scheming genius to a child like manner which takes pure joy in violence and destruction. I cannot only begin to peel off the layers slightly to even contemplate what must go through one’s mind. To even have a laugh so deep and scary that it would befit the joker.
Taking in all the expressions he used, the convincing act truly felt like the real deal, something I myself find is truly something that reminds me of how much I treasure acting. The craft itself, the manner, the skill required.
The plot within a plot was genius, he had the material that was something that kept me in awe, the way of thinking required to come up with such plans, to actually do such a thing, the mind of the joker, it makes me wonder if I could even reach such a level to perform a role such as that. I’ve always had a preference to acting as a villain, one who had a strong personality that is often unforgettable and will remain in the minds of the audience, to leave an impression that they were evil, or misunderstood, or perhaps both.
If I had to name two villains I would love to play, it would be Heath Ledger’s take on the joker or Jon Irenicus who is the main antagonist of “Baldur’s gate two shadows of Amn” (A Dungeons and dragons game which has the most storyline for a game I’ve played)
I’ve been in Canoe for 3 months now, and the daily grind of going to school, discussing with team mates who are often unmotivated to work,(To those who do work, I appreciate that you guys are there.) analyzing problems given daily that we must research and present on, and then training, either in the gym or in canoe. I go to school five days a week, train seven days of the week unless I take a day off to go and watch a movie or spend time with friends. Watching the joker on the screen, reminded me how much I miss acting.
I feel the call of the stage, I have not acted in such a long time. Can you imagine what it feels like to be on stage? To become the character you are given, to convince the audience you are truly that person, to have them understand and empathize or even fear your character. The emotion one feels from the character, the amount that you must draw from within to create that true expression, as if in that moment you believed you were that person, not only that, for that moment you didn’t exist, but that character.
That is something I greatly miss, and would like to return to eventually when time permits. At this current point, training seven days a week won’t lead to me returning to the stage. Of course, if I do return to the stage I hope to get a role that is truly worth the return, a role, a villain of which I could use my talent to shape and create and eventually become.
Tomorrow is the national canoe competition, something I have to go for the next two days. Of course, the day itself will also be the poker night I have been planning for weeks now, it makes or breaks several things, but overall I intend for it to be something worth the time of everyone who comes. I feel committed to canoe, but also feel the call of the stage, beckoning, the lights, the music, the mics, the makeup, the crowd.
The many words fill my head,
Like a thousand voices all at once,
Bearing down with tremendous pressure,
Of which there is no measure.
The shattered glass leaves a trail behind me.
Reach into the darkness,
And pull me back from the edge,
Before I fall,
Help me find that pill.
That pill that takes my pain away.
-Breaking out
I hear the dead silence for that moment,
Before the clock strikes twelve,
As the gears begin to turn,
I look at the object in my hand.
The final card that has yet to be dealt.
The tick tocks of the clockwork,
As the twins of fate seem driven to meet,
I close my eyes,
And tilt my head slightly backwards.
It all ends with the sound of a click.
-Into the mind behind closed doors.
As I sit down here, I hear the music pouring from the speakers into the room, a score that makes me ponder about the side of a person who managed to create such a character.
The movie dark knight was outstanding, and something that took my breath away. The movie was truly a reflection of an extremely well created and acted character, the joker. To see the expressions and actions of the joker was amazing, Heath Ledger was amazing. I can only imagine what he faced in the room he stayed in a room for a month.
Can you imagine yourself being in a room for one month? To play the joker, the lengths he took to create his character, a culmination of dedication to his craft. Living alone in a hotel room for a month, he spent the time creating the joker’s manner, psyche, voice and posture. Slowly becoming the character, and keeping a diary where he recorded the thoughts and feelings of the character.
Heath Ledger used inspirations from a masterpiece called clockwork orange, another movie that I feel is truly amazing, something that combines ultra-violence and sex and morals with the most radical symbolism for its time. It is something that I think, those who are prepared for something that is radical for this country, should watch.
Like having a conversation with one’s self, reflecting and thinking about what it is like to think in such a manner, to feel such emotions, to be able to think like the joker, to act psychotic yet incredibly intelligent. The amount of brooding one would have to do, reflecting from multiple points of views, ranging from a scheming genius to a child like manner which takes pure joy in violence and destruction. I cannot only begin to peel off the layers slightly to even contemplate what must go through one’s mind. To even have a laugh so deep and scary that it would befit the joker.
Taking in all the expressions he used, the convincing act truly felt like the real deal, something I myself find is truly something that reminds me of how much I treasure acting. The craft itself, the manner, the skill required.
The plot within a plot was genius, he had the material that was something that kept me in awe, the way of thinking required to come up with such plans, to actually do such a thing, the mind of the joker, it makes me wonder if I could even reach such a level to perform a role such as that. I’ve always had a preference to acting as a villain, one who had a strong personality that is often unforgettable and will remain in the minds of the audience, to leave an impression that they were evil, or misunderstood, or perhaps both.
If I had to name two villains I would love to play, it would be Heath Ledger’s take on the joker or Jon Irenicus who is the main antagonist of “Baldur’s gate two shadows of Amn” (A Dungeons and dragons game which has the most storyline for a game I’ve played)
I’ve been in Canoe for 3 months now, and the daily grind of going to school, discussing with team mates who are often unmotivated to work,(To those who do work, I appreciate that you guys are there.) analyzing problems given daily that we must research and present on, and then training, either in the gym or in canoe. I go to school five days a week, train seven days of the week unless I take a day off to go and watch a movie or spend time with friends. Watching the joker on the screen, reminded me how much I miss acting.
I feel the call of the stage, I have not acted in such a long time. Can you imagine what it feels like to be on stage? To become the character you are given, to convince the audience you are truly that person, to have them understand and empathize or even fear your character. The emotion one feels from the character, the amount that you must draw from within to create that true expression, as if in that moment you believed you were that person, not only that, for that moment you didn’t exist, but that character.
That is something I greatly miss, and would like to return to eventually when time permits. At this current point, training seven days a week won’t lead to me returning to the stage. Of course, if I do return to the stage I hope to get a role that is truly worth the return, a role, a villain of which I could use my talent to shape and create and eventually become.
Tomorrow is the national canoe competition, something I have to go for the next two days. Of course, the day itself will also be the poker night I have been planning for weeks now, it makes or breaks several things, but overall I intend for it to be something worth the time of everyone who comes. I feel committed to canoe, but also feel the call of the stage, beckoning, the lights, the music, the mics, the makeup, the crowd.
The many words fill my head,
Like a thousand voices all at once,
Bearing down with tremendous pressure,
Of which there is no measure.
The shattered glass leaves a trail behind me.
Reach into the darkness,
And pull me back from the edge,
Before I fall,
Help me find that pill.
That pill that takes my pain away.
-Breaking out
Sunday, 29 June 2008
Reach into the dream
Shift your focus a little,
Imagine the future that is untold,
Of things that are unpredictable,
Make a wish upon this star’s dust.
Think about how far we’ve come.
About life’s wonder wall,
Can we climb it?
I’d hold my breath,
And take that plunge,
If you’d hold my hand.
To see that smile,
Is so divine,
Even for a moment,
Just for a while.
-For a while
Regret is something I’ve heard too often from some people; they always seem to be regretting this choice and that choice. I find that they carry so much baggage with them when they regret. It’s like a weight that weighs down their mind, blinding them to so much of the world, of its beauty, of its wonders. It leaves them blaming many things, which makes them bitter, and they can only see the negatives.
I’ve got no regret for my current life, of what I’ve done, but it doesn’t mean I love everything I’ve done and experienced, I simply am appreciative of it making the way I am. It shapes my mind so much, made me what I am and of course like I’ve written before, makes life worth living, because no one will ever live my life but me. I’ve got this precious gift, and what I make of it is my choice to a great extent, sure it’s controlled here and there by others, but ultimately what I make of the choices available is entirely me, I still shape my future.
So are there times that I feel anger, hatred towards others? In a sense feel regret for doing something? I cannot say I’ve not felt such an emotion, but I learnt to let things go. Because at the end of the day, harboring such a feeling would eat up at you inside, all those “what ifs?” would murder you from within. I don’t contemplate about the what if, but I do like to reminiscence about my life, and appreciate the nostalgia and memories. I’m quite happy with them, and I feel that I’ve got so much to be grateful for, you can’t have the world, but you can be satisfied. Ask yourself this question, which is better? Having everything and still wanting more, or being satisfied and happy? We can always strive for something better, nothing wrong with that, but we must learn to be happy with ourselves, as that’s where we live without regret.
Often than not, what makes us unhappy is the troubles we encounter throughout our life that make us upset. Many factors can trouble one’s mind, but in the end you must think about what can ease your mind, of to people who have been kind, but often not, to these we are blind. The negative is so easy to dwell upon, it’s like a wall that just seems so hard to climb, and see beyond as it blocks your vision.
When we actually climb to the top of it, and see beyond, are we ready to jump off that wall to take the plunge? Into the side where we see promise and future and allow ourselves to hope and believe that there might be a chance. We often choose not to climb.
Because it’s so difficult, it’s so much easier to stare at it, curse at it and feel angry or sad. The choices given to us have so many varying degrees of difficulty, but when weighs what is better in a logical manner, which is often hard to do, it may seem clear cut on what one must do, unfortunately, thing’s are so hard to see.
It’s not easy to see when the wall’s right in your face, and you’re just an inch away, it’s hard to think when something is just right there, blocking everything and you can push against it, and the feeling just overwhelms you.
Take a moment to pause, and perhaps step back away from that wall. It’s so hard when you first arrive at the wall, as often we are so close to it, and we can see anything else. When our mind is filled with what upsets us, we cannot see much, the solution or way around it is so difficult to see. That’s why when if you had actually stopped for a moment, and maybe stood back, in a 3rd person point of view, the whole situation might be easier to deal with.
Imagine yourself as the friend listening to your friend’s problem, and then you can see it in a different light or point of view. Perhaps then, you can see the wall, and actually know how high it is, how you should take your first step to climb it. Not every wall can be walked around, but if you can climb it, you can definitely go over it, and remember, climbing the wall doesn’t have to be on your own. Because often when we’re at that wall, we’re hurt emotionally, and don’t have the normal conviction and strength we usually have to deal with such things. Remember, Remember, you don’t always have to do it alone.
When one encounters a wall that is beyond their own capability to climb, one might need help, to climb it. That’s when friends and family can come in. They can provide the base and support needed to climb over that wall.
And finally when you’ve reached the top, and can view everything that the wall has blocked, it comes to the next part which is sometimes just as difficult, the higher the wall, the harder it may be to take the plunge. It can seem scary, because of fear, that’s when one must remember, those who helped them climb the wall, are also there to catch you when you take the plunge. So remember.
I found a rabbit hole,
It leads to a place unknown,
Would you take the plunge?
Are you willing to lose it all?
Press the tape recorder and begin.
Pack your belongings and steal away with me,
Listen to the band play the piece,
And get carried away,
By the music of this game.
Take a moment to catch your breath.
Living is the constant we must achieve,
Every step a calculated choice,
With everything to lose,
And everything to gain.
Can you hear the phone ringing?
I’m calling to your heart,
From behind the stained glass,
With my hand against it,
Waiting for yours.
-Reach into the dream
Shift your focus a little,
Imagine the future that is untold,
Of things that are unpredictable,
Make a wish upon this star’s dust.
Think about how far we’ve come.
About life’s wonder wall,
Can we climb it?
I’d hold my breath,
And take that plunge,
If you’d hold my hand.
To see that smile,
Is so divine,
Even for a moment,
Just for a while.
-For a while
Regret is something I’ve heard too often from some people; they always seem to be regretting this choice and that choice. I find that they carry so much baggage with them when they regret. It’s like a weight that weighs down their mind, blinding them to so much of the world, of its beauty, of its wonders. It leaves them blaming many things, which makes them bitter, and they can only see the negatives.
I’ve got no regret for my current life, of what I’ve done, but it doesn’t mean I love everything I’ve done and experienced, I simply am appreciative of it making the way I am. It shapes my mind so much, made me what I am and of course like I’ve written before, makes life worth living, because no one will ever live my life but me. I’ve got this precious gift, and what I make of it is my choice to a great extent, sure it’s controlled here and there by others, but ultimately what I make of the choices available is entirely me, I still shape my future.
So are there times that I feel anger, hatred towards others? In a sense feel regret for doing something? I cannot say I’ve not felt such an emotion, but I learnt to let things go. Because at the end of the day, harboring such a feeling would eat up at you inside, all those “what ifs?” would murder you from within. I don’t contemplate about the what if, but I do like to reminiscence about my life, and appreciate the nostalgia and memories. I’m quite happy with them, and I feel that I’ve got so much to be grateful for, you can’t have the world, but you can be satisfied. Ask yourself this question, which is better? Having everything and still wanting more, or being satisfied and happy? We can always strive for something better, nothing wrong with that, but we must learn to be happy with ourselves, as that’s where we live without regret.
Often than not, what makes us unhappy is the troubles we encounter throughout our life that make us upset. Many factors can trouble one’s mind, but in the end you must think about what can ease your mind, of to people who have been kind, but often not, to these we are blind. The negative is so easy to dwell upon, it’s like a wall that just seems so hard to climb, and see beyond as it blocks your vision.
When we actually climb to the top of it, and see beyond, are we ready to jump off that wall to take the plunge? Into the side where we see promise and future and allow ourselves to hope and believe that there might be a chance. We often choose not to climb.
Because it’s so difficult, it’s so much easier to stare at it, curse at it and feel angry or sad. The choices given to us have so many varying degrees of difficulty, but when weighs what is better in a logical manner, which is often hard to do, it may seem clear cut on what one must do, unfortunately, thing’s are so hard to see.
It’s not easy to see when the wall’s right in your face, and you’re just an inch away, it’s hard to think when something is just right there, blocking everything and you can push against it, and the feeling just overwhelms you.
Take a moment to pause, and perhaps step back away from that wall. It’s so hard when you first arrive at the wall, as often we are so close to it, and we can see anything else. When our mind is filled with what upsets us, we cannot see much, the solution or way around it is so difficult to see. That’s why when if you had actually stopped for a moment, and maybe stood back, in a 3rd person point of view, the whole situation might be easier to deal with.
Imagine yourself as the friend listening to your friend’s problem, and then you can see it in a different light or point of view. Perhaps then, you can see the wall, and actually know how high it is, how you should take your first step to climb it. Not every wall can be walked around, but if you can climb it, you can definitely go over it, and remember, climbing the wall doesn’t have to be on your own. Because often when we’re at that wall, we’re hurt emotionally, and don’t have the normal conviction and strength we usually have to deal with such things. Remember, Remember, you don’t always have to do it alone.
When one encounters a wall that is beyond their own capability to climb, one might need help, to climb it. That’s when friends and family can come in. They can provide the base and support needed to climb over that wall.
And finally when you’ve reached the top, and can view everything that the wall has blocked, it comes to the next part which is sometimes just as difficult, the higher the wall, the harder it may be to take the plunge. It can seem scary, because of fear, that’s when one must remember, those who helped them climb the wall, are also there to catch you when you take the plunge. So remember.
I found a rabbit hole,
It leads to a place unknown,
Would you take the plunge?
Are you willing to lose it all?
Press the tape recorder and begin.
Pack your belongings and steal away with me,
Listen to the band play the piece,
And get carried away,
By the music of this game.
Take a moment to catch your breath.
Living is the constant we must achieve,
Every step a calculated choice,
With everything to lose,
And everything to gain.
Can you hear the phone ringing?
I’m calling to your heart,
From behind the stained glass,
With my hand against it,
Waiting for yours.
-Reach into the dream
Thursday, 19 June 2008
Mark of the infinity
I bear the mark of infinity on my hand,
Standing with my arms thrown back,
And looking over the shadows,
I take a deep breath before,
The deepest darkest plunge.
Many a moment flashes past.
A broken stick is left in my hand,
It’s been there for so long,
I almost forgot what it was,
When it was whole.
Where does the moment meet and end?
-Making the infinite plunge
Much has happened in the time since I’ve written. I’ve started an web photo blog, which has far less writing and lots of pictures, that sort of documents much of what I do. But at the end of the day, I find that writing is still what I prefer more. Over there I do feel the constriction and desire to write, but I know that the blog wasn’t meant for such a thing.
I know when I write here, I write for myself, no one else, otherwise I would not write so long. That other blog feels like its more for others rather than myself, sure it is fun, but it doesn’t have the feel of me actually writing my thoughts on it.
Over the month, I’ve experienced new things, had a lot of fun, suffered a betrayal and made new friends whom for the first in long time have given me the vibe of being long term friends. Most friends are those who get forgotten over time, but I feel that the bond between the current guys I’ve met in Republic Canoe (Sprint Kayak) those special few, are truly closer than what I remembered in army.
Much of what I’ve gone through has made me somewhat different from the last month. It allows me to see a bonding that creates a clear gap in my closeness between my classmates and me. The closeness is no where as near there compared to Canoe. Despite seeing these people everyday, I realize that much of the way they are still keeps me apart from them. Canoe has quite a large number of older guys who are quite mature, which makes me feel more comfortable.
I cannot deny that I feel old in school, being the eldest in class, and seeing how people act and react to situations puts me off somewhat. There is a generation gap there, which has prevented me from showing my true self in class, which I find that few will ever see. I know that when I am in school, in class and in training, I am dead serious, and I don’t want to be distracted in either. When its time to work, it should be done and done well, and when its time to train its when full focus comes into play, I truly love the feeling of pumping up yourself to work hard with your team mates, something I’ve not had in many years.
My paradigm has shifted slightly, which gives me more perspective and comparison to a lot of things, and I find that I enjoy school a lot, despite having some gap between me and classmates, we work well that’s for sure, but there are just certain things I can’t identify with at all, fortunately everything is mutually fine, it would be considered positive acquaintances.
What else has changed? I am for one single after the longest time. Something I’ve not been in such a long time. It feels funny to actually say that word. I actually counted the days I was single when it first happened. I guess I’ve been given a freedom that I never really desired or thought of much. I’m so used to just living my life and improving myself. So many of my close friends said it’s good to take time off to be single, to discover more about myself and mature emotionally.
They said, despite being more matured when it comes to making most decisions, I hadn’t matured much emotionally as I had been in a relationship for so long. I guess it’s a lot to think about and contemplate, but I know that when I make a choice, I stick to it and take time to reflect about my life, which gives me perspective and drive to achieve whats important to me. To list out the important things, aside from family obligations and health and close friends, it would be school and training. These are the most important aspects of my life that I will bring along with me throughout my life. My grades will affect where I go and how much I will study whilst my training will give me the fitness and strength I have long to come and respect as it takes dedication to achieve, which is something I hold dear to myself.
Speaking about training, I’m a little confused by this little machine in the school gym that is supposed to check your body fat percentage. Every time I use it, my fat percentage seems to drop. The numbers went from 9.5% to 7.6% to 6.4% to the latest of 5.6%. This was on the setting of normal, and then on the athletic, it reflected 10.5% currently, so I assume my body fat was 10.5% which is the lowest I’ve ever had in my life, because previously when I was lighter and running a lot my fat percentage was so much higher, 18%? To be honest, I think the machine is not working properly.
All this training probably has had much of an effect on me. As of today, I’ve had 4 days of training straight this week. 3 gym sessions and 1 water training, tomorrow’s a day to celebrate a canoe mate’s birthday, while the next day will be water training, and I’d fit in a run if I had the time. Not only that I will be training in the gym on Sunday. That’s working out 6 days a week. I must say its time to take a break tomorrow, as the next break will be quite a while away, with tons more of training to go.
When I hear the bells ringing,
I remember the moment when I leaned over,
And you smiled as I rested my head on your shoulder,
Bring me back to the time.
The time when you were young.
When in the sun shine as stretched across the field,
Where you’d turn towards me and look,
And I could see it,
That lovely smile of yours.
-The juicy zest of life.
Where there is a reason,
To stare into the infinity,
You'd understand why I sin,
With the choices I'm given,
Living proof of what I uphold,
I am the one who bears the mark,
The mark of who I am.
-Mark of Infinity
I bear the mark of infinity on my hand,
Standing with my arms thrown back,
And looking over the shadows,
I take a deep breath before,
The deepest darkest plunge.
Many a moment flashes past.
A broken stick is left in my hand,
It’s been there for so long,
I almost forgot what it was,
When it was whole.
Where does the moment meet and end?
-Making the infinite plunge
Much has happened in the time since I’ve written. I’ve started an web photo blog, which has far less writing and lots of pictures, that sort of documents much of what I do. But at the end of the day, I find that writing is still what I prefer more. Over there I do feel the constriction and desire to write, but I know that the blog wasn’t meant for such a thing.
I know when I write here, I write for myself, no one else, otherwise I would not write so long. That other blog feels like its more for others rather than myself, sure it is fun, but it doesn’t have the feel of me actually writing my thoughts on it.
Over the month, I’ve experienced new things, had a lot of fun, suffered a betrayal and made new friends whom for the first in long time have given me the vibe of being long term friends. Most friends are those who get forgotten over time, but I feel that the bond between the current guys I’ve met in Republic Canoe (Sprint Kayak) those special few, are truly closer than what I remembered in army.
Much of what I’ve gone through has made me somewhat different from the last month. It allows me to see a bonding that creates a clear gap in my closeness between my classmates and me. The closeness is no where as near there compared to Canoe. Despite seeing these people everyday, I realize that much of the way they are still keeps me apart from them. Canoe has quite a large number of older guys who are quite mature, which makes me feel more comfortable.
I cannot deny that I feel old in school, being the eldest in class, and seeing how people act and react to situations puts me off somewhat. There is a generation gap there, which has prevented me from showing my true self in class, which I find that few will ever see. I know that when I am in school, in class and in training, I am dead serious, and I don’t want to be distracted in either. When its time to work, it should be done and done well, and when its time to train its when full focus comes into play, I truly love the feeling of pumping up yourself to work hard with your team mates, something I’ve not had in many years.
My paradigm has shifted slightly, which gives me more perspective and comparison to a lot of things, and I find that I enjoy school a lot, despite having some gap between me and classmates, we work well that’s for sure, but there are just certain things I can’t identify with at all, fortunately everything is mutually fine, it would be considered positive acquaintances.
What else has changed? I am for one single after the longest time. Something I’ve not been in such a long time. It feels funny to actually say that word. I actually counted the days I was single when it first happened. I guess I’ve been given a freedom that I never really desired or thought of much. I’m so used to just living my life and improving myself. So many of my close friends said it’s good to take time off to be single, to discover more about myself and mature emotionally.
They said, despite being more matured when it comes to making most decisions, I hadn’t matured much emotionally as I had been in a relationship for so long. I guess it’s a lot to think about and contemplate, but I know that when I make a choice, I stick to it and take time to reflect about my life, which gives me perspective and drive to achieve whats important to me. To list out the important things, aside from family obligations and health and close friends, it would be school and training. These are the most important aspects of my life that I will bring along with me throughout my life. My grades will affect where I go and how much I will study whilst my training will give me the fitness and strength I have long to come and respect as it takes dedication to achieve, which is something I hold dear to myself.
Speaking about training, I’m a little confused by this little machine in the school gym that is supposed to check your body fat percentage. Every time I use it, my fat percentage seems to drop. The numbers went from 9.5% to 7.6% to 6.4% to the latest of 5.6%. This was on the setting of normal, and then on the athletic, it reflected 10.5% currently, so I assume my body fat was 10.5% which is the lowest I’ve ever had in my life, because previously when I was lighter and running a lot my fat percentage was so much higher, 18%? To be honest, I think the machine is not working properly.
All this training probably has had much of an effect on me. As of today, I’ve had 4 days of training straight this week. 3 gym sessions and 1 water training, tomorrow’s a day to celebrate a canoe mate’s birthday, while the next day will be water training, and I’d fit in a run if I had the time. Not only that I will be training in the gym on Sunday. That’s working out 6 days a week. I must say its time to take a break tomorrow, as the next break will be quite a while away, with tons more of training to go.
When I hear the bells ringing,
I remember the moment when I leaned over,
And you smiled as I rested my head on your shoulder,
Bring me back to the time.
The time when you were young.
When in the sun shine as stretched across the field,
Where you’d turn towards me and look,
And I could see it,
That lovely smile of yours.
-The juicy zest of life.
Where there is a reason,
To stare into the infinity,
You'd understand why I sin,
With the choices I'm given,
Living proof of what I uphold,
I am the one who bears the mark,
The mark of who I am.
-Mark of Infinity
Saturday, 10 May 2008
Crimson autumn
The ray of light shines across the floor,
I take your soft hand in mine,
One hand in yours,
Another on your waist,
The music starts,
We march to the sway of the beat.
I pull you closer to me, face to face eyes locked.
Dancing across this ocean floor,
Stepping right up to the groove,
Losing ourselves in our stare,
Walking around each other,
Like birds in a mating game,
Step right up to this sweet charade.
Inching closer within breathing distance, so close yet so far.
Turning slowly together on smoothed surface,
Your leg entwines around mine,
You place your hand around my neck,
Leaning so strongly against me with your delicate back,
I tighten my grip and bring you slowly down and back up again,
Lost in the symphony of song and lights.
To end this would almost be a shame, to end this sweet embrace.
-Mating game
Sometimes we feel more emotional than other days, the same show that you’ve seen before may not make you cry the first time round, but when you watch it again, it can sometimes make you tear. One particular episode of smallville can do just that, its season 5’s episode 12, entitled reckoning.
This is my summary of the episode and the parts where I cried: “Clark decides to tell Lana the truth and reveals his true identity and also proposes to her, fast forward into the middle of the episode, Lana gets involved in a car accident and dies, While on the phone with Clark, she tells him Lex is chasing her and she doesn’t see an oncoming bus which ends up hitting her. The whole scene comes to a slow down, where Lex gets out in tears seeing what has happened, and then Clark appears out of super speed, he rushes to the accident and rips the door off the overturned car and touches Lana to find her dead and begins to cry, its at this moment where the scene and music makes me tear, and then the father happens to stop by and rush over to pull Clark away.
Clark chooses to return to the past with the power of his fortress and relives the same day, where he is about to tell Lana the truth, which he decides not to. However, the events of the same day play out in a similar way, where Lana is about to involved in accident again, with Lex chasing her, in both cases Lex kissed her because he was drunk and upset, so it starts the chase, this time Clark prevents the accident, and his father drives by the scene without stopping and sees Lex apologizing to Lana.
The father was on his way to meet Lionel Luthor at their barn, in the previous events, the father would have stopped to go to Clark. This time, instead of Lana dying, the father gets in a fight with Lionel in the barn and this causes him to have a heart attack, and then he proceeds to walk out of the barn, where Clark and his mother were just driving home and they spot him, the last few moments of the father’s life, Lana’s life traded for the father’s, the very same music plays once more where Lana died, and here is where I tear one more time.”
Since I last wrote, the computer has been moved into my room, and the shift makes everything feel so different, it is a lot warmer in my room since the fan is above my bed and not my computer, so I often turn on the air con to cool the room for awhile. Although when I go to sleep, I switch off the air con. I now have two desks to work from, one for my pc and one for my laptop, both use wireless so there is no need for wires, and the best part is there is plenty of space to dine in my own room! Nothing like a nice glass of merlot with a warm meal with the accompaniment of music to chill by.
Right now, it’s a little warm in the afternoon, and the cat is sleeping in the chair behind me. I’ve been busy contemplating on whether to start adding photos to my blog, I’ve never done if before, so I guess I’d give it a try, though I feel it might affect my style a little. To me, I rather not compromise on the writing because of pictures, but I figured I should start taking a lot more pictures.
The main concern is perhaps not writing people’s names in my blog, which has been something I’ve been doing for quite some time. For the mean time, I guess I’ll stick to pictures of objects and places, and not people. For my cat, I guess it will be fine.
So here is a picture of my cat sleeping behind me, for him, I guess I can make an acception for his name, which is Indie which is inspired by Indiana Jones. It’s a long story, best left to my sister to tell, for me in person.
School has been good, I had canoe land training last week, which I must say, was something I had been hoping for a long time. A breakdown of what we did, 400+ pushups (I did 380 Standard proper pushups, there was one set where I had not recovered where I needed to cheat a little.) 100+ crunches, leg lifts and body builders( body builders are a combination of burpies and pushups combined, not that hard) 100 or so jumping jacks( I don’t really consider this at all, its probably just for show…) 35 pull-ups and I assisted a total of 60 reps for other people, half of which were those who were terribly heavy(think obese and they couldn’t even lift less than half their weight) The assisting was harder than doing pull-ups with weights attached! In all, out of forty or so guys who turned up, only seven were still doing the pushups, and half of those still doing were not doing it properly any more.
It felt good to be among the remaining seven, and still going strong, but Its not a fair comparison because I am older, I’ve trained a lot more, and when I mean a lot, I mean extra years of advantage which make a huge difference, even though the day before, I had trained my chest and abs in the gym. When you’ve got an entire group doing the training with you, you feel like you can do more, because you want to do it with them.
I’ve almost forgotten what its like to train with people, I’ve had so much time to train solo, and I would never do that many pushups on my own. I hope to see even tougher training the following week. After the training, I had dinner with the seniors, their quite a fun bunch, and it was easy to relate with them. I look forward to the next training, perhaps at least an additional 100 to which ever amount for each exercise we’re doing? I dream of a 1000 pushups in one session… (That is still a dream, I’ve never done that many before, but to test my endurance to that level would be truly interesting, though muscle sacrificing)
Went to an outside gym with two classmates yesterday to teach them how to train, their quite fun just that one laughs like a crazy woman non-stop, which kind of makes it embarrassing. I find it great that I can still relate to those younger than me and of course enjoy their company. Ah oh yes, the cats awoke and changed his place of rest. The only camera I use now is my current handphone’s camera… too lazy to use any other or charge my old one.
Next week’s another week, and I’ve got a day and a half to focus myself again to be at my peak and accomplish the goals I’ve set out for myself. And of course, some time to continue my reading of the monk who sold his Ferrari. The week before last, I gave away that book to someone I met in the botanic gardens where I was reading, she had lost her handphone, and was distressed, so I spoke to her for awhile, before we knew it, I gave her my book cause I felt she needed it more than me, then we became friends and exchanged contacts. Last weekend I got a new one at times at Jelita, in each of these instances, I walked to the locations and back, I find it rather nice to walk instead of taking a bus, its not to save money or anything, but you get to see a lot of things you may not have seen if you took a bus.
This finally brings me to the reason why I titled this blog post crimson autumn. There was a moment last weekend when I was walking to the Jelita along sixth avenue where I saw a tree that was quite bare, save for sparse red leaves, next to it was the same type of tree but it was all green and full of life, it was in that moment where that image was forever burnt into mine, and I felt full of emotion and nearly teared right there and then.
In all, I realize that I have been more in touch with my emotions as of late, where I can feel an emotion more deeply or stronger than before, and this can overwhelm me and cause me to cry. I guess I have been able to appreciate things more and feel more emotion than I normally allow myself too.
The tree was bare and it looked so sad, with the red leaves clinging on for dear life, and then at that moment, when the wind blew, the leaves began to fall, and it was like an autumn fall where it began to rain red leaves, leaving the tree completely bare.
A tree along the road,
Crowned in blood red,
The few tears it held,
Tears of blood,
The moment seems to stop.
I stand there in this serenity.
I observe as the dove settles at its feet,
Where another it has come to meet,
Together the pair at this lone beat,
And here I am at this front row seat,
Directly under life’s glaring heat.
There comes a gust.
The crown breaks,
The tears fall,
The pair stirs,
There is nothing left,
I close my eyes as I lose a tear.
-Crimson Autumn
The ray of light shines across the floor,
I take your soft hand in mine,
One hand in yours,
Another on your waist,
The music starts,
We march to the sway of the beat.
I pull you closer to me, face to face eyes locked.
Dancing across this ocean floor,
Stepping right up to the groove,
Losing ourselves in our stare,
Walking around each other,
Like birds in a mating game,
Step right up to this sweet charade.
Inching closer within breathing distance, so close yet so far.
Turning slowly together on smoothed surface,
Your leg entwines around mine,
You place your hand around my neck,
Leaning so strongly against me with your delicate back,
I tighten my grip and bring you slowly down and back up again,
Lost in the symphony of song and lights.
To end this would almost be a shame, to end this sweet embrace.
-Mating game
Sometimes we feel more emotional than other days, the same show that you’ve seen before may not make you cry the first time round, but when you watch it again, it can sometimes make you tear. One particular episode of smallville can do just that, its season 5’s episode 12, entitled reckoning.
This is my summary of the episode and the parts where I cried: “Clark decides to tell Lana the truth and reveals his true identity and also proposes to her, fast forward into the middle of the episode, Lana gets involved in a car accident and dies, While on the phone with Clark, she tells him Lex is chasing her and she doesn’t see an oncoming bus which ends up hitting her. The whole scene comes to a slow down, where Lex gets out in tears seeing what has happened, and then Clark appears out of super speed, he rushes to the accident and rips the door off the overturned car and touches Lana to find her dead and begins to cry, its at this moment where the scene and music makes me tear, and then the father happens to stop by and rush over to pull Clark away.
Clark chooses to return to the past with the power of his fortress and relives the same day, where he is about to tell Lana the truth, which he decides not to. However, the events of the same day play out in a similar way, where Lana is about to involved in accident again, with Lex chasing her, in both cases Lex kissed her because he was drunk and upset, so it starts the chase, this time Clark prevents the accident, and his father drives by the scene without stopping and sees Lex apologizing to Lana.
The father was on his way to meet Lionel Luthor at their barn, in the previous events, the father would have stopped to go to Clark. This time, instead of Lana dying, the father gets in a fight with Lionel in the barn and this causes him to have a heart attack, and then he proceeds to walk out of the barn, where Clark and his mother were just driving home and they spot him, the last few moments of the father’s life, Lana’s life traded for the father’s, the very same music plays once more where Lana died, and here is where I tear one more time.”
Since I last wrote, the computer has been moved into my room, and the shift makes everything feel so different, it is a lot warmer in my room since the fan is above my bed and not my computer, so I often turn on the air con to cool the room for awhile. Although when I go to sleep, I switch off the air con. I now have two desks to work from, one for my pc and one for my laptop, both use wireless so there is no need for wires, and the best part is there is plenty of space to dine in my own room! Nothing like a nice glass of merlot with a warm meal with the accompaniment of music to chill by.
Right now, it’s a little warm in the afternoon, and the cat is sleeping in the chair behind me. I’ve been busy contemplating on whether to start adding photos to my blog, I’ve never done if before, so I guess I’d give it a try, though I feel it might affect my style a little. To me, I rather not compromise on the writing because of pictures, but I figured I should start taking a lot more pictures.
The main concern is perhaps not writing people’s names in my blog, which has been something I’ve been doing for quite some time. For the mean time, I guess I’ll stick to pictures of objects and places, and not people. For my cat, I guess it will be fine.
So here is a picture of my cat sleeping behind me, for him, I guess I can make an acception for his name, which is Indie which is inspired by Indiana Jones. It’s a long story, best left to my sister to tell, for me in person.
School has been good, I had canoe land training last week, which I must say, was something I had been hoping for a long time. A breakdown of what we did, 400+ pushups (I did 380 Standard proper pushups, there was one set where I had not recovered where I needed to cheat a little.) 100+ crunches, leg lifts and body builders( body builders are a combination of burpies and pushups combined, not that hard) 100 or so jumping jacks( I don’t really consider this at all, its probably just for show…) 35 pull-ups and I assisted a total of 60 reps for other people, half of which were those who were terribly heavy(think obese and they couldn’t even lift less than half their weight) The assisting was harder than doing pull-ups with weights attached! In all, out of forty or so guys who turned up, only seven were still doing the pushups, and half of those still doing were not doing it properly any more.
It felt good to be among the remaining seven, and still going strong, but Its not a fair comparison because I am older, I’ve trained a lot more, and when I mean a lot, I mean extra years of advantage which make a huge difference, even though the day before, I had trained my chest and abs in the gym. When you’ve got an entire group doing the training with you, you feel like you can do more, because you want to do it with them.
I’ve almost forgotten what its like to train with people, I’ve had so much time to train solo, and I would never do that many pushups on my own. I hope to see even tougher training the following week. After the training, I had dinner with the seniors, their quite a fun bunch, and it was easy to relate with them. I look forward to the next training, perhaps at least an additional 100 to which ever amount for each exercise we’re doing? I dream of a 1000 pushups in one session… (That is still a dream, I’ve never done that many before, but to test my endurance to that level would be truly interesting, though muscle sacrificing)
Went to an outside gym with two classmates yesterday to teach them how to train, their quite fun just that one laughs like a crazy woman non-stop, which kind of makes it embarrassing. I find it great that I can still relate to those younger than me and of course enjoy their company. Ah oh yes, the cats awoke and changed his place of rest. The only camera I use now is my current handphone’s camera… too lazy to use any other or charge my old one.
Next week’s another week, and I’ve got a day and a half to focus myself again to be at my peak and accomplish the goals I’ve set out for myself. And of course, some time to continue my reading of the monk who sold his Ferrari. The week before last, I gave away that book to someone I met in the botanic gardens where I was reading, she had lost her handphone, and was distressed, so I spoke to her for awhile, before we knew it, I gave her my book cause I felt she needed it more than me, then we became friends and exchanged contacts. Last weekend I got a new one at times at Jelita, in each of these instances, I walked to the locations and back, I find it rather nice to walk instead of taking a bus, its not to save money or anything, but you get to see a lot of things you may not have seen if you took a bus.
This finally brings me to the reason why I titled this blog post crimson autumn. There was a moment last weekend when I was walking to the Jelita along sixth avenue where I saw a tree that was quite bare, save for sparse red leaves, next to it was the same type of tree but it was all green and full of life, it was in that moment where that image was forever burnt into mine, and I felt full of emotion and nearly teared right there and then.
In all, I realize that I have been more in touch with my emotions as of late, where I can feel an emotion more deeply or stronger than before, and this can overwhelm me and cause me to cry. I guess I have been able to appreciate things more and feel more emotion than I normally allow myself too.
The tree was bare and it looked so sad, with the red leaves clinging on for dear life, and then at that moment, when the wind blew, the leaves began to fall, and it was like an autumn fall where it began to rain red leaves, leaving the tree completely bare.
A tree along the road,
Crowned in blood red,
The few tears it held,
Tears of blood,
The moment seems to stop.
I stand there in this serenity.
I observe as the dove settles at its feet,
Where another it has come to meet,
Together the pair at this lone beat,
And here I am at this front row seat,
Directly under life’s glaring heat.
There comes a gust.
The crown breaks,
The tears fall,
The pair stirs,
There is nothing left,
I close my eyes as I lose a tear.
-Crimson Autumn
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