Remembrance
Every memory’s slowly fading,
In the evanescence of this dreaming,
I remember the choice of words,
The paths taken.
I find myself too attached to this particular memory.
I can’t give you the reason why,
But I realize I don’t need one,
It’s just a special one,
One that I won’t let decay.
-Remembrance
I’ve had time to reflect on the past two days. Of someone I met and shared fun filled moments with. A person who was full of life and vibrance. She was someone with ambition, someone who wanted to do something with her life. A driven person.
I was in a church with a mass that was singing songs, the speeches to honor her given, the tears shed, the final goodbye. And now I sit in my room to the silence and the reflection. It is quiet now, the silence a painful solemn thing as I said my final goodbye, in my own way.
She was so young, younger than me, which showed how short life was. I remember I wrote a poem long ago about a funeral, I’ve shown it a couple of times, but it fits the occasion. It was raining on that day too, and when it rained it poured.
As I heard the music of the funeral band,
I reached out for her hand,
Only to stumble and be lost.
As the first drop came,
An endless pour,
Caught in a world of endless doors,
I began to cry,
And then a hand grasped mine.
I was out of my daze,
And I was met with many a gaze,
I heard the speech of praise,
From a priest of heavenly grace,
The hearts had been bled,
The tears were shed,
At the end of everything said,
I said my goodbye as I cried in my bed.
-Goodbye
It makes me think about life, the frailty, the temporary flesh and bone we reside in. It makes death part of life, and with death it brings loss, not only to those who know the person but to the world. Loss is always painful, no matter how wants to look at it, it is always painful.
Memories that sometimes you never reflected back much on till it was too late. A friend told me, that sometimes only when something like this happens then the memories come flooding back. Sometimes it feels like there is nothing I can say or do that really makes a difference, but at the end of the day, we should, despite the smallest significance it would make.
Each voice has weight, and with our life and each breathe we take, we should use that strength to honor those past and create a change and live life to the fullest. We have the ability to affect, what choices are you making? What are you doing with your time?
Are you living it to the fullest? Can you die right now satisfied with what you lived with? The concept of living a full life was brought up in the funeral where the priest spoke that one can have lived a full life by accepting god. That was his idea of living a full life.
But then again, we all have different ideas on what a full life should be? Who is correct? My idea of having lived a full life would mean that I experienced life physically, spiritually, mentally and appreciated these experiences and had reflected greatly and gained knowledge and wisdom from these experiences. That is what it means to have lived a full life. But what is your idea of living a full life?
Have I lived a full life? I can’t say I have. I have reflected a lot, but I have not reflected enough, there are so many experiences I’ve yet to experience. People I’ve yet to help and by god, as long as there is enough strength in me, I will make it happen. This life I have is precious. The lives we have is precious, its temporary and we never know when it ends. It’s not important to think about the end, but rather what we do until we reach the end.
Live every moment and make it something you want to take with you at the end. Something you can look back on and smile at. I’ve had moments like that, that did not require any brush of death. When I was in Phuket in the Marriott, under the sun in the pool just looking out at the sea, I reflected on the beautiful moments that meant a lot to me and just realized how lucky I am to have lived these moments. So despite not achieving the full life I see, I still have no regrets even if I have to go.
Why fear death? Fear not making the most of the time you already have. The famous quote, “The past is over, the future is unknown, the present is a gift.” I’m not sure if I got it correct but it makes sense. The past is already done, and we should not live in it, because if we spend too much time living in it, we lose the present, and if we spend too much time thinking of the future, we waste the present. That’s why it’s important to learn from the past, plan for the future and make full use of the present.
It’s quiet now,
I feel the world coming to a stand still,
The tears well up inside.
There’s nothing I can say to make the pain go away.
For every time you fought and tried,
I will remember that,
Every word you spoke,
Is precious to us all.
For the words you wrote.
When the moment came to a close,
Remember us,
As we remember you,
I will remember you.
For we love you.
- To Jaclyn
I bid adieu to you for the last time.
-Kwan
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
Sunday, 18 January 2009
Those eyes
Pray upon this lonely soul,
Holding your hand in mine,
As you rest your head against me,
Connecting in this embrace.
Choose the dance.
Tell me how you want it,
Look into my eyes and I into yours,
I’ll lean close,
And listen.
I want to hear your chocolate whispers.
No need for the rational,
Dance with me in the faded,
Amongst the candles,
In its orange glow.
Is there a reason to need?
Or is there a reason to be?
-Those eyes
Is there always an ending to the choices we make in life? Perhaps the end never comes as soon as we think, or isn’t over when we think it is over. I’ve learnt it over the past month or so that things don’t simply go away, simply end like that.
But would I trade it for anything else? The life that I have lived for another? I say no, this life is precious because it’s by my actions and choices that have influenced the outcome of my life, it is the life that has my work, my input, my follies. That’s what makes it more valuable, precious and unique and because I’m the one who lived my life, not someone else.
If I died tomorrow, I would have died knowing that I lived my life without regret and that I appreciate it a lot, despite its downs, it brought me many highs that made me appreciate and treasure life, which gives us these experiences and teaches us many things. The thing I’ve said so many times, and can never say enough of, life is about its experiences, it’s what makes life worth living, the good and bad.
The problem for most people is they do not or have yet to appreciate it. They go throughout life never really contemplating about it, until it hits them one day, and they worry about all the lost contemplation, and when they think about their purpose of life, the directions they took, the choices they made. When they start doing it for the first time, it may be so overwhelming because they have so much to make up for.
When was the last time you reflected about your life? What happened before, what caused it, what you learnt from it, how it affects you now, what choices do you have now, what you can do, will do and what direction will you take for your future?
Life’s many questions that we often fail to sit down and really think about it. It’s something that is often procrastinated about. When you reflect, you can relook goals you’ve set before, or set goals if you have not yet, or update it based on what you think is better. Are you able to die tomorrow without regrets?
Many of us are fortunate with time, health, family, friends, school and various comforts that we often take for granted. For some, they think their life is terrible and not worth living, and that there is nothing worth living on for, or that it’s far worse off than anyone else’s. I have an answer for that, stuff that thinking because it’s selfish and self centered. Remember this, our life isn’t simply ours, it belongs to the world, to the people we will meet, affect and experience with.
Remember those who brought us into this world, they gave us life, they may not be the most perfect people but they gave you life. I could sit here and continue telling you about why your life simply isn’t yours, so taking it for granted and choosing to end it is selfish.
We live life, experiencing it unhindered. Have you ever thought to think about those who can’t walk, hear or see? If you’re thinking that you’re now more fortunate than them, I’d say yes and no. Yes because you don’t have a disability and can experience the maximum that life can offer, and no because a person with a disability can sometimes experience life more than you.
Why do I say that? Because a person with a disability might appreciate what he or she has more. The person may have reflected life more, enjoyed and appreciated the experiences that they could get and enjoy living more than you. So for every person who thought they their life was miserable, the reason for it being miserable is because you make it to be miserable.
For me, I can’t say I never felt sad or miserable. Yes I have, and still do, but constantly fixating on it won’t help my situation. It’s all about appreciating what you do, from the very air you breathe, to the wind that blows in your face, to even the water splashing against your face as you take a bath. How much we take from each experience makes the bigger difference.
That’s why, for those people who may have a shorter life span, sometimes, they learnt to appreciate life more and some chose to live their life to the fullest, and experience it rather than take a negative view on their plight. So in say a few months they might have left to live, they could have lived more than they ever would if given years. That goes for everyone.
Do you think you’re going to live forever? That tomorrow will come? Appreciate and learn from the past (where you have no regrets), live your life to the fullest (Because tomorrow may never come) and treasure every tomorrow that comes, and living your life to the fullest makes tomorrow even better, you never know when’s the ending. You’ll want to take your final breath with a smile.
There is a place to be,
Where my soul is blessed,
And you can let go,
Because there is nothing left to need.
I don’t know what my fate is,
But I know I have the choice,
To begin a journey,
To make memories to take with me.
Because I’ll never know when the end is.
-The place to rest
Pray upon this lonely soul,
Holding your hand in mine,
As you rest your head against me,
Connecting in this embrace.
Choose the dance.
Tell me how you want it,
Look into my eyes and I into yours,
I’ll lean close,
And listen.
I want to hear your chocolate whispers.
No need for the rational,
Dance with me in the faded,
Amongst the candles,
In its orange glow.
Is there a reason to need?
Or is there a reason to be?
-Those eyes
Is there always an ending to the choices we make in life? Perhaps the end never comes as soon as we think, or isn’t over when we think it is over. I’ve learnt it over the past month or so that things don’t simply go away, simply end like that.
But would I trade it for anything else? The life that I have lived for another? I say no, this life is precious because it’s by my actions and choices that have influenced the outcome of my life, it is the life that has my work, my input, my follies. That’s what makes it more valuable, precious and unique and because I’m the one who lived my life, not someone else.
If I died tomorrow, I would have died knowing that I lived my life without regret and that I appreciate it a lot, despite its downs, it brought me many highs that made me appreciate and treasure life, which gives us these experiences and teaches us many things. The thing I’ve said so many times, and can never say enough of, life is about its experiences, it’s what makes life worth living, the good and bad.
The problem for most people is they do not or have yet to appreciate it. They go throughout life never really contemplating about it, until it hits them one day, and they worry about all the lost contemplation, and when they think about their purpose of life, the directions they took, the choices they made. When they start doing it for the first time, it may be so overwhelming because they have so much to make up for.
When was the last time you reflected about your life? What happened before, what caused it, what you learnt from it, how it affects you now, what choices do you have now, what you can do, will do and what direction will you take for your future?
Life’s many questions that we often fail to sit down and really think about it. It’s something that is often procrastinated about. When you reflect, you can relook goals you’ve set before, or set goals if you have not yet, or update it based on what you think is better. Are you able to die tomorrow without regrets?
Many of us are fortunate with time, health, family, friends, school and various comforts that we often take for granted. For some, they think their life is terrible and not worth living, and that there is nothing worth living on for, or that it’s far worse off than anyone else’s. I have an answer for that, stuff that thinking because it’s selfish and self centered. Remember this, our life isn’t simply ours, it belongs to the world, to the people we will meet, affect and experience with.
Remember those who brought us into this world, they gave us life, they may not be the most perfect people but they gave you life. I could sit here and continue telling you about why your life simply isn’t yours, so taking it for granted and choosing to end it is selfish.
We live life, experiencing it unhindered. Have you ever thought to think about those who can’t walk, hear or see? If you’re thinking that you’re now more fortunate than them, I’d say yes and no. Yes because you don’t have a disability and can experience the maximum that life can offer, and no because a person with a disability can sometimes experience life more than you.
Why do I say that? Because a person with a disability might appreciate what he or she has more. The person may have reflected life more, enjoyed and appreciated the experiences that they could get and enjoy living more than you. So for every person who thought they their life was miserable, the reason for it being miserable is because you make it to be miserable.
For me, I can’t say I never felt sad or miserable. Yes I have, and still do, but constantly fixating on it won’t help my situation. It’s all about appreciating what you do, from the very air you breathe, to the wind that blows in your face, to even the water splashing against your face as you take a bath. How much we take from each experience makes the bigger difference.
That’s why, for those people who may have a shorter life span, sometimes, they learnt to appreciate life more and some chose to live their life to the fullest, and experience it rather than take a negative view on their plight. So in say a few months they might have left to live, they could have lived more than they ever would if given years. That goes for everyone.
Do you think you’re going to live forever? That tomorrow will come? Appreciate and learn from the past (where you have no regrets), live your life to the fullest (Because tomorrow may never come) and treasure every tomorrow that comes, and living your life to the fullest makes tomorrow even better, you never know when’s the ending. You’ll want to take your final breath with a smile.
There is a place to be,
Where my soul is blessed,
And you can let go,
Because there is nothing left to need.
I don’t know what my fate is,
But I know I have the choice,
To begin a journey,
To make memories to take with me.
Because I’ll never know when the end is.
-The place to rest
Saturday, 3 January 2009
Running towards happiness
Can you sense what’s in the air?
Can you tell me what’s fair?
I can’t tell if your mind’s even there,
Oh legs don’t fail me now.
I’m running at the speed of sound.
I’m trying to reach out to you,
To hold onto your hand,
And if we do,
I ask one thing.
Don’t let go.
-The atrophic run.
This is a line I wrote in a short story entitled Atrophic run.
“The angel of mercy holds my hand tonight as I ponder about the thoughts that run through my mind, where my hopes and dreams are questioned and checked by reality in this probability that doesn’t favor me.”
-Nathaniel
The story is about a boy who belongs to a long lost race of beings that can move at the speed of sound, but every time he runs at that speed, he starts to die a little. Thus every time he runs, his body degenerates, thus he rarely uses it, and mostly for mischief or showing off as he is sort of an anti-hero. He meets this girl one day, and things hit it off and they become close, but it becomes complicated as she has something she doesn’t want to reveal. Its story of love and sacrifice, where two worlds meet.
Why do I write about a short story I wrote? It’s the first piece of writing I’ve really written that I felt ok about in a month or so. I’ve had this rut for so long, and it was something that allowed to me to finally express myself.
It’s a new year now, and I ponder and reflect about my past and future. The future being bright with promises and possibilities where the probability unlike the protagonist in atrophic run, it favors me. That’s because I make my own chances, and if one doesn’t one leaves it to whatever happens, which could be both good and bad.
Our chances are determined by our actions or inaction, thus its all about the right actions. To me, the most important thing to increasing one’s chances is one’s mindset because at the end of the day, whatever you get, whether you’ll be satisfied or happy with it is based on how positive or negative your mindset.
For example, if someone gave you a glass of red wine you can react in several ways. To simplify things, we give a positive and negative view. For the negative view, you would look at the wine and think that it is lousy quality and not of the right temperature thus the taste would be partially defined about your bias, and thus you become unhappy, your actions and enjoyment are then influenced by these emotions. Now a positive mindset would be, you got a glass of wine from someone, and the person was kind enough to offer you a drink, instead of having no drink at all and perhaps the wine might taste good if one was willing to open one’s mind, and thus removing the bias and being grateful for the drink. At the end of it, being positive may reduce unhappiness or even make you more satisfied and happier.
You could do the same with a glass of water.
This brings into question the pursuit of happiness. That’s what Atrophic run is about. The person had the ability to run fast which allowed him to achieve things most people could not. If you are never satisfied with what ever you get, you might end up wearing yourself down if you don’t know when to stop. Not that its wrong to pursue better things, but one should be able to be positive about it.
The pursuit of happiness a concept about how one strives to achieve a state of happiness, there are many ways. Some of the common ways are:
1) Setting ideals and goals and working towards them. (Material wealth or power)
2) Being satisfied with what one already has.
3) Helping others (Charity, aiding someone in need or a friend)
4) Relationships (Friends, Family, Lover)
These could come in any combination. Perhaps the hardest is number two. In our society, we are brought up with a certain set of ideals and a majority of us don’t have that has been set by the various combinations of friends, family and media, thus the knowledge of something better may affect us on how satisfied with what we have because we might compare.
At the end of the day, we could always compare, and you can always find someone better off, unless you think you’ve got everything possible. But you can achieve something better than that; you can achieve all or most of your wants.
By making it realistic and choosing those that are most important to you, you make it much easier. For example, if you want to be good at a sport, dedicating your time to that sport can make you feel more fulfilled. Of course, if you had many other wants like needing money, do other sports, it makes it harder for you to be satisfied with just being good at that sport.
It’s good to do diverse things and have several things that are important to you that have perhaps the most fulfillments. But of course you should focus on something because if you often miss out and don’t pay attention to what’s one of the most important things in doing that sport/activity such as the process of becoming good at it, bonding with the people you do the activity with and forming relationships that go beyond that activity.
For me my general focus that brings about my happiness not in according to importance):
1) Writing stories and poetry
2) Having alone time to reflect
3) Family
4) Friends
5) Grades
These are the five things that I base my satisfaction on. To me, I know that my family is the foundation of my life because they are the ones I can turn to the most, thus family time is important and it’s important to have a strong relationship with them. To be honest, despite being the youngest in the family where I am not as close to my siblings as they are to each other, and my parents show more favoritism towards them, I still love them.
At the end of the day, one can have a negative view or positive view towards such things. I used to have abit of both, where the negative used to outweigh the positive, but that only made things worse and made home a much harder place to live. But I learnt that no matter how much biasness may be shown and whatever is considered unfair, I learnt to let things go and accept them as part of my life. In a way, I’d say I’m actually satisfied with what I got in my family, and I’m happy to be me, because I’ve got so much to be grateful for already.
If I had to list them out, it would take a post just as long as this and it would be in point form to boot. When was the last time you listed out the things that you should be grateful for? At the end of the day, you’ll realize you might have more to be happy about than unhappy about. It’s the mindset.
Find that precious light,
Where the two are a perfect match,
A connection without a catch,
Where the relationship and grow and hatch.
-The precious light
Can you sense what’s in the air?
Can you tell me what’s fair?
I can’t tell if your mind’s even there,
Oh legs don’t fail me now.
I’m running at the speed of sound.
I’m trying to reach out to you,
To hold onto your hand,
And if we do,
I ask one thing.
Don’t let go.
-The atrophic run.
This is a line I wrote in a short story entitled Atrophic run.
“The angel of mercy holds my hand tonight as I ponder about the thoughts that run through my mind, where my hopes and dreams are questioned and checked by reality in this probability that doesn’t favor me.”
-Nathaniel
The story is about a boy who belongs to a long lost race of beings that can move at the speed of sound, but every time he runs at that speed, he starts to die a little. Thus every time he runs, his body degenerates, thus he rarely uses it, and mostly for mischief or showing off as he is sort of an anti-hero. He meets this girl one day, and things hit it off and they become close, but it becomes complicated as she has something she doesn’t want to reveal. Its story of love and sacrifice, where two worlds meet.
Why do I write about a short story I wrote? It’s the first piece of writing I’ve really written that I felt ok about in a month or so. I’ve had this rut for so long, and it was something that allowed to me to finally express myself.
It’s a new year now, and I ponder and reflect about my past and future. The future being bright with promises and possibilities where the probability unlike the protagonist in atrophic run, it favors me. That’s because I make my own chances, and if one doesn’t one leaves it to whatever happens, which could be both good and bad.
Our chances are determined by our actions or inaction, thus its all about the right actions. To me, the most important thing to increasing one’s chances is one’s mindset because at the end of the day, whatever you get, whether you’ll be satisfied or happy with it is based on how positive or negative your mindset.
For example, if someone gave you a glass of red wine you can react in several ways. To simplify things, we give a positive and negative view. For the negative view, you would look at the wine and think that it is lousy quality and not of the right temperature thus the taste would be partially defined about your bias, and thus you become unhappy, your actions and enjoyment are then influenced by these emotions. Now a positive mindset would be, you got a glass of wine from someone, and the person was kind enough to offer you a drink, instead of having no drink at all and perhaps the wine might taste good if one was willing to open one’s mind, and thus removing the bias and being grateful for the drink. At the end of it, being positive may reduce unhappiness or even make you more satisfied and happier.
You could do the same with a glass of water.
This brings into question the pursuit of happiness. That’s what Atrophic run is about. The person had the ability to run fast which allowed him to achieve things most people could not. If you are never satisfied with what ever you get, you might end up wearing yourself down if you don’t know when to stop. Not that its wrong to pursue better things, but one should be able to be positive about it.
The pursuit of happiness a concept about how one strives to achieve a state of happiness, there are many ways. Some of the common ways are:
1) Setting ideals and goals and working towards them. (Material wealth or power)
2) Being satisfied with what one already has.
3) Helping others (Charity, aiding someone in need or a friend)
4) Relationships (Friends, Family, Lover)
These could come in any combination. Perhaps the hardest is number two. In our society, we are brought up with a certain set of ideals and a majority of us don’t have that has been set by the various combinations of friends, family and media, thus the knowledge of something better may affect us on how satisfied with what we have because we might compare.
At the end of the day, we could always compare, and you can always find someone better off, unless you think you’ve got everything possible. But you can achieve something better than that; you can achieve all or most of your wants.
By making it realistic and choosing those that are most important to you, you make it much easier. For example, if you want to be good at a sport, dedicating your time to that sport can make you feel more fulfilled. Of course, if you had many other wants like needing money, do other sports, it makes it harder for you to be satisfied with just being good at that sport.
It’s good to do diverse things and have several things that are important to you that have perhaps the most fulfillments. But of course you should focus on something because if you often miss out and don’t pay attention to what’s one of the most important things in doing that sport/activity such as the process of becoming good at it, bonding with the people you do the activity with and forming relationships that go beyond that activity.
For me my general focus that brings about my happiness not in according to importance):
1) Writing stories and poetry
2) Having alone time to reflect
3) Family
4) Friends
5) Grades
These are the five things that I base my satisfaction on. To me, I know that my family is the foundation of my life because they are the ones I can turn to the most, thus family time is important and it’s important to have a strong relationship with them. To be honest, despite being the youngest in the family where I am not as close to my siblings as they are to each other, and my parents show more favoritism towards them, I still love them.
At the end of the day, one can have a negative view or positive view towards such things. I used to have abit of both, where the negative used to outweigh the positive, but that only made things worse and made home a much harder place to live. But I learnt that no matter how much biasness may be shown and whatever is considered unfair, I learnt to let things go and accept them as part of my life. In a way, I’d say I’m actually satisfied with what I got in my family, and I’m happy to be me, because I’ve got so much to be grateful for already.
If I had to list them out, it would take a post just as long as this and it would be in point form to boot. When was the last time you listed out the things that you should be grateful for? At the end of the day, you’ll realize you might have more to be happy about than unhappy about. It’s the mindset.
Find that precious light,
Where the two are a perfect match,
A connection without a catch,
Where the relationship and grow and hatch.
-The precious light
Monday, 24 November 2008
Ascension
Have you thought about it?
All the relations you have built?
The crowd surrounds like a faceless blur,
Their all there,
But is it a false sense of accomplishment?
Is it a lie? Is life truly like this?
We perceive what we choose to see,
We become who we want to be,
Or is it something that we don’t truly see?
Are others the ones who decide?
In these hurried times you make a choice.
Even without the truth,
Without a light,
In these uncertainties,
It’s time to take that leap of faith.
-Perception and faith
Have you ever questioned what is real? There are so many things around us which we often don’t ask ourselves or choose not to, on whether the things we do is real. What do I mean by real? Being real is something that is done with the true desire to do it, something you truly believe in. But then, belief, it comes at another question, is belief enough to make it real?
Belief is a perception, if we believe something, it becomes real to us. So if everyone thought something was true, does it make it real? From here, we could continue to branch out to many topics and still go on and on, and this would end up as a ten thousand word article, which almost all of you who read this would never finish. Most people would not even finish the thousand word plus articles I write. So when you apply the word real to the readers of these articles, are any of you real readers of my articles? Do you actually read word for word, from beginning to end? Do you desire to read it? Do you simply read to see what’s going on in my life?
If you did, I guess you’d see my emotions in my writing, it reflects part of how my life is, the snapshots of state of mind and not exactly what happened in a literal sense. My poetry is like the summary of most of what happened, but the writings in between often hold so much more of my contemplations.
So to me, is this blog real? I have another where I write briefly about what happens in my life, posting pictures and showing the world what happens. It is a real representation of the exciting things in my life, though not every moment, thus I’d say its real, but does it reflect my true state of mind? In that sense, it would not be real. Brings us to the question of is it possible for something to be real and unreal at the same thing?
The sevendaysoftheweek blog has real pictures of me, has my writing and reflections about them, but only on the surface level. This surface level is real, but the deeper thoughts are not there, thus in terms of my writing styles and blogging style, it’s not the real me. Thus, I’d say that’s when the real and unreal merge, forming a different part.
Looking at things that are real, the largest part of our lives that we often should question if they are real is the relations we keep. Are these relations real? Why are they formed? Do they even hold real weight in our lives? In our life we will meet many people, who come and go, many whom we will forget, many whom we’ll briefly meet, but only a small number whom we will spend most of our time with and maintain relationships with. It is so easy for someone to fall out of relations if the bond is not strong and people don’t meet up.
That’s why as time goes on, the friends seem to change, and you look at how people are and their shift in loyalties or treatment of you. Often, it gets harder to see people for whether they truly like you and like to spend time with you the more you go into things that are considered “popular” Following the trends set by groups or people and becoming well known tends to blur the line of real and unreal. It makes it hard to determine if the person really would be your friend without this “popularity”
I’ve always shunned this form of “popularity” But then again, what about a trend you set? I realize by doing different things, by pursuing what I like, it ultimately does come with attention, and can end up being “popular” It is then when I don’t feel like pursuing what I enjoyed doing because of the “popularity” When I was the joker last month, I experienced a height of attention given towards me despite not revealing my name to those who don’t know me. When people asked me for my name, I only smiled and said it was “Joker”
Despite the numerous girls who wanted to take photos with me and get my name and number in Zouk, I chose not to give them; instead I maintained the persona of the Joker and told them I was the Joker. Being the Joker was not being me, but someone else, it was being in character, it was an act and people liked that, but it wasn’t the real me. I love acting so much, because at the end of the day it’s like living as another person for that moment of time. For that moment, I really become that person, I think and feel like the character, and for that moment it is real to me.
But at the end of the day, after the character has faded away, and I’ve reverted to myself, people still want to associate with me because of the character I played. I realized how plastic everything feels, the bitter after taste of “fame and popularity”. My use of these terms are in a small scale, I am not talking about huge groups knowing me, but those who see me and interact with during those moments want to know me for that. Most people I’ll meet probably will fade into the background quickly, but I want to have interactions with people as the real me so that when I find those who’d not fade away, that I could have real relations with them, something that would last.
I want to get to know people as the real me, and for them to be interested in knowing me as I am rather than any other way. I want it to be real, the want to know Kwan, not joker, not sandman, not something else, but just Kwan.
Do you hear the song of their voices?
The air becomes empty for a moment,
And the flowers begin to bloom,
And at that moment,
The sun is blocked by a sudden shadow.
The voices become silent,
The warmth once known is gone,
Even as the snow flakes fall,
Life carries on.
So why should you pause?
-Life carries on.
Have you thought about it?
All the relations you have built?
The crowd surrounds like a faceless blur,
Their all there,
But is it a false sense of accomplishment?
Is it a lie? Is life truly like this?
We perceive what we choose to see,
We become who we want to be,
Or is it something that we don’t truly see?
Are others the ones who decide?
In these hurried times you make a choice.
Even without the truth,
Without a light,
In these uncertainties,
It’s time to take that leap of faith.
-Perception and faith
Have you ever questioned what is real? There are so many things around us which we often don’t ask ourselves or choose not to, on whether the things we do is real. What do I mean by real? Being real is something that is done with the true desire to do it, something you truly believe in. But then, belief, it comes at another question, is belief enough to make it real?
Belief is a perception, if we believe something, it becomes real to us. So if everyone thought something was true, does it make it real? From here, we could continue to branch out to many topics and still go on and on, and this would end up as a ten thousand word article, which almost all of you who read this would never finish. Most people would not even finish the thousand word plus articles I write. So when you apply the word real to the readers of these articles, are any of you real readers of my articles? Do you actually read word for word, from beginning to end? Do you desire to read it? Do you simply read to see what’s going on in my life?
If you did, I guess you’d see my emotions in my writing, it reflects part of how my life is, the snapshots of state of mind and not exactly what happened in a literal sense. My poetry is like the summary of most of what happened, but the writings in between often hold so much more of my contemplations.
So to me, is this blog real? I have another where I write briefly about what happens in my life, posting pictures and showing the world what happens. It is a real representation of the exciting things in my life, though not every moment, thus I’d say its real, but does it reflect my true state of mind? In that sense, it would not be real. Brings us to the question of is it possible for something to be real and unreal at the same thing?
The sevendaysoftheweek blog has real pictures of me, has my writing and reflections about them, but only on the surface level. This surface level is real, but the deeper thoughts are not there, thus in terms of my writing styles and blogging style, it’s not the real me. Thus, I’d say that’s when the real and unreal merge, forming a different part.
Looking at things that are real, the largest part of our lives that we often should question if they are real is the relations we keep. Are these relations real? Why are they formed? Do they even hold real weight in our lives? In our life we will meet many people, who come and go, many whom we will forget, many whom we’ll briefly meet, but only a small number whom we will spend most of our time with and maintain relationships with. It is so easy for someone to fall out of relations if the bond is not strong and people don’t meet up.
That’s why as time goes on, the friends seem to change, and you look at how people are and their shift in loyalties or treatment of you. Often, it gets harder to see people for whether they truly like you and like to spend time with you the more you go into things that are considered “popular” Following the trends set by groups or people and becoming well known tends to blur the line of real and unreal. It makes it hard to determine if the person really would be your friend without this “popularity”
I’ve always shunned this form of “popularity” But then again, what about a trend you set? I realize by doing different things, by pursuing what I like, it ultimately does come with attention, and can end up being “popular” It is then when I don’t feel like pursuing what I enjoyed doing because of the “popularity” When I was the joker last month, I experienced a height of attention given towards me despite not revealing my name to those who don’t know me. When people asked me for my name, I only smiled and said it was “Joker”
Despite the numerous girls who wanted to take photos with me and get my name and number in Zouk, I chose not to give them; instead I maintained the persona of the Joker and told them I was the Joker. Being the Joker was not being me, but someone else, it was being in character, it was an act and people liked that, but it wasn’t the real me. I love acting so much, because at the end of the day it’s like living as another person for that moment of time. For that moment, I really become that person, I think and feel like the character, and for that moment it is real to me.
But at the end of the day, after the character has faded away, and I’ve reverted to myself, people still want to associate with me because of the character I played. I realized how plastic everything feels, the bitter after taste of “fame and popularity”. My use of these terms are in a small scale, I am not talking about huge groups knowing me, but those who see me and interact with during those moments want to know me for that. Most people I’ll meet probably will fade into the background quickly, but I want to have interactions with people as the real me so that when I find those who’d not fade away, that I could have real relations with them, something that would last.
I want to get to know people as the real me, and for them to be interested in knowing me as I am rather than any other way. I want it to be real, the want to know Kwan, not joker, not sandman, not something else, but just Kwan.
Do you hear the song of their voices?
The air becomes empty for a moment,
And the flowers begin to bloom,
And at that moment,
The sun is blocked by a sudden shadow.
The voices become silent,
The warmth once known is gone,
Even as the snow flakes fall,
Life carries on.
So why should you pause?
-Life carries on.
Sunday, 26 October 2008
Hurried times
In a world where everything’s standing still,
In these hurried times,
I hold her close to me,
I hear the slowing beat.
She’s not breathing back.
There isn’t anything I recognize,
In these hurried times,
I find myself letting it bother me,
I wonder if the world would crumble under me.
I try not to show it.
But it shows.
-In these hurried times.
Twenty years ten months and twenty seven days… The clock is ticking, and I see the seconds go by, before I realize it, many minutes have passed as I sit here in my room thinking. I reflect about how far I’ve come in my life, and see that I have experienced much but someone how just not enough.
Will I ever have enough experience in life? Time and time again I have talked about how important it is to learn and reflect about one’s life experiences. Two people might live the exact life but turn out different, because what that learnt and reflected from these experiences was different.
How I think, how I learnt, how I reflected made me the person I am today. All the choices I made in my life have lead me up to this point, all the emotions I have chosen to feel have molded me to this point, all that I have gained from these experiences. One could have an experience I become the epitome of evil, or could turn out the total opposite, it boils down to a matter of what one learns and gains and ultimately chooses. Everything boils down to choice, the choice of whether one chooses to become or feel that way. Some say that have no control over their emotions, but they still had a choice on what they could do, no matter the emotional state, one still has a choice. There is a choice to feel a certain emotion and how strongly one wants to feel it.
One could engulf oneself in sadness and cry on the spot if one let such an emotion fill themselves up. One can also feel extremely happy if one let oneself fill themselves up with such an emotion. So at the end of the day, it brings us back to the person’s choice, do you choose to be happy or to be sad? Given the same situation, different people have different emotions that come with it, because they made a choice. Some would argue with me that they do not choose to feel that emotion at all, but let’s take another look.
Emotions are somewhat like a habit. Imagine you’re a person who has no emotion to begin with; think a robot with intelligence but no prejudices. One day you encounter a situation where a plate falls down in front of you, and then a menu pops up to give you several options on how to feel.
Option no.1: Happy
Option no.2: Sad
Option no.3: Angry
Option no.4: Feel nothing
Now of all the choices listed, usually the last 3 would be the more likely choices. People would say its unlikely one can be happy about something breaking. Think of it in a different paradigm, it is possible to be happy in the sense that one chooses to think positively by clearing up the mess helping the person who might have broken it, by getting them a new one, this way everyone feels better about it.
Now, let’s go back to the original purpose of what I am talking about. Say you made your choice, and emotion has been felt, the actions that go with have been done. The second time it happens again, you end up with less options. Let’s continue by assuming you took the sad option.
New popup menu:
Option no.1: Sad
Option no.2: Angry
Option no. 3: Feel nothing
Suppose you decided to take Angry again, eventually the next time the plate breaks again, your choices narrow down to the first two options, and the following time there is only one option left, which is Angry. From then on, every time a plate breaks, you get angry. And when someone asks you why you feel such an emotion, it’s because you’ve got no control of how you feel.
We all have choices, and the emotions we feel automatically are usually a result of making a choice and it slowly becoming a habit to the point we feel like we don’t have control over our own emotions anymore. That’s why it’s so important to realize the way we feel, and there is still a chance to change it, because… We are not robots! We have choices that we must make actively, and that way we can control our emotions.
For me, I think looking at things positively is something that I want to be automatic, but of course, it’s not the easiest thing because people around you can tend to be negative, thus they can sort of influence your “option menu” Hence we must make the choice to think positive. When one thinks positively, and chooses to make the most of what one has or is given, one can be different from another. Its like a person who is given a knife to survive in the jungle for a week, he can choose to stay there and die because he thinks its hopeless, or he can use it to find food, make a shelter, protect himself, the choice is all up to him, because he is living, he has life. And I have said before, life is strength, it is the ability to affect our world, it is the ability to affect our world.
We are given choices in our lives, what we make of our choices is entirely up to us, but remember, it makes a difference in our lives and the lives of others around us. So choose carefully.
Do you hear it ringing?
The bell is calling out to us,
Choose to open your eyes,
I feel the itch bothering me.
Where do we go from here?
Choices without a thought,
Often leaving us distraught,
Remember this is our lives,
Do we play with it so carelessly?
It’s not so easy to break away.
-Choices
In a world where everything’s standing still,
In these hurried times,
I hold her close to me,
I hear the slowing beat.
She’s not breathing back.
There isn’t anything I recognize,
In these hurried times,
I find myself letting it bother me,
I wonder if the world would crumble under me.
I try not to show it.
But it shows.
-In these hurried times.
Twenty years ten months and twenty seven days… The clock is ticking, and I see the seconds go by, before I realize it, many minutes have passed as I sit here in my room thinking. I reflect about how far I’ve come in my life, and see that I have experienced much but someone how just not enough.
Will I ever have enough experience in life? Time and time again I have talked about how important it is to learn and reflect about one’s life experiences. Two people might live the exact life but turn out different, because what that learnt and reflected from these experiences was different.
How I think, how I learnt, how I reflected made me the person I am today. All the choices I made in my life have lead me up to this point, all the emotions I have chosen to feel have molded me to this point, all that I have gained from these experiences. One could have an experience I become the epitome of evil, or could turn out the total opposite, it boils down to a matter of what one learns and gains and ultimately chooses. Everything boils down to choice, the choice of whether one chooses to become or feel that way. Some say that have no control over their emotions, but they still had a choice on what they could do, no matter the emotional state, one still has a choice. There is a choice to feel a certain emotion and how strongly one wants to feel it.
One could engulf oneself in sadness and cry on the spot if one let such an emotion fill themselves up. One can also feel extremely happy if one let oneself fill themselves up with such an emotion. So at the end of the day, it brings us back to the person’s choice, do you choose to be happy or to be sad? Given the same situation, different people have different emotions that come with it, because they made a choice. Some would argue with me that they do not choose to feel that emotion at all, but let’s take another look.
Emotions are somewhat like a habit. Imagine you’re a person who has no emotion to begin with; think a robot with intelligence but no prejudices. One day you encounter a situation where a plate falls down in front of you, and then a menu pops up to give you several options on how to feel.
Option no.1: Happy
Option no.2: Sad
Option no.3: Angry
Option no.4: Feel nothing
Now of all the choices listed, usually the last 3 would be the more likely choices. People would say its unlikely one can be happy about something breaking. Think of it in a different paradigm, it is possible to be happy in the sense that one chooses to think positively by clearing up the mess helping the person who might have broken it, by getting them a new one, this way everyone feels better about it.
Now, let’s go back to the original purpose of what I am talking about. Say you made your choice, and emotion has been felt, the actions that go with have been done. The second time it happens again, you end up with less options. Let’s continue by assuming you took the sad option.
New popup menu:
Option no.1: Sad
Option no.2: Angry
Option no. 3: Feel nothing
Suppose you decided to take Angry again, eventually the next time the plate breaks again, your choices narrow down to the first two options, and the following time there is only one option left, which is Angry. From then on, every time a plate breaks, you get angry. And when someone asks you why you feel such an emotion, it’s because you’ve got no control of how you feel.
We all have choices, and the emotions we feel automatically are usually a result of making a choice and it slowly becoming a habit to the point we feel like we don’t have control over our own emotions anymore. That’s why it’s so important to realize the way we feel, and there is still a chance to change it, because… We are not robots! We have choices that we must make actively, and that way we can control our emotions.
For me, I think looking at things positively is something that I want to be automatic, but of course, it’s not the easiest thing because people around you can tend to be negative, thus they can sort of influence your “option menu” Hence we must make the choice to think positive. When one thinks positively, and chooses to make the most of what one has or is given, one can be different from another. Its like a person who is given a knife to survive in the jungle for a week, he can choose to stay there and die because he thinks its hopeless, or he can use it to find food, make a shelter, protect himself, the choice is all up to him, because he is living, he has life. And I have said before, life is strength, it is the ability to affect our world, it is the ability to affect our world.
We are given choices in our lives, what we make of our choices is entirely up to us, but remember, it makes a difference in our lives and the lives of others around us. So choose carefully.
Do you hear it ringing?
The bell is calling out to us,
Choose to open your eyes,
I feel the itch bothering me.
Where do we go from here?
Choices without a thought,
Often leaving us distraught,
Remember this is our lives,
Do we play with it so carelessly?
It’s not so easy to break away.
-Choices
Saturday, 2 August 2008
Unrated Emotions
Silence, is it a cruelty or a kindness?
A respect towards another or lack of care?
Remove yourself from you emotions,
And stand back and look at the shadow cast.
You hear yourself dripping over the phone.
You listen carefully for the howling wind,
That moves you from place to place,
Where will it go next?
Don’t you want to change pace?
Stand your ground and hold on tight.
Everybody is surrendering all around,
Give yourself a reason to be here,
Close your eyes and visualize,
Feel the hand in yours.
Hold me tight.
- Hold on tight.
I stood there in my white shirt with my left hand at my side clutching a dark red rose, pondering about the moment when I should let go of it and continue on my journey. I remember the quote, “Sometimes you have to let things go in order to move forward”
I’ve let go of so many things in my life, and it has helped me moved forward with my life where I don’t carry the weight of it on my shoulders. Of course, remembering them brings back emotions, perhaps not as raw and intense as when it first occurred but it reminds oneself of how one felt then. The things that might trigger them, a certain song that was played then, a song that reflects that moment… So many possibilities, the moments where you sit down alone and reflect and fill yourself with emotions that sometimes might feel overwhelming, and you question yourself why you’re feeling such emotions?
We’re all entitled to our moments where we feel down for no apparent reason, but we need to able to pull ourselves out of it and return to reality, the path we are currently on, not the path that we were on. Such memories serve well as experiences that mold us, so we keep them with us throughout our lives. Use it well, not as something that will hold you back.
On the path we are currently on, the thing we will encounter most, which is perhaps the most constant thing, is change. It’s something that happens throughout our entire lives. Life is about change, sometimes its painful, sometimes its beautiful, but most of the time its both. That is what makes life worth living. We affect change, it’s what gives us power, the ability to change things, affect our world, others. We are agents of change.
Life is strength, you live you affect your world, it is undeniable. The choices we have, have the ability to affect our world, it’s the truth about life. What we do with our lives is a whole different story. Have you sat down and saw how you fit in the grander picture? Whose lives you will affect, you will change. Are we simply victims of circumstances with no choice? “When a man cannot choose he ceases to be a man.” This is taken from the movie Clockwork Orange, if we don’t have the choice, we are no longer men, that is why in the world we live in today, we are men who have choices, and what we do determines who we are.
Simply thinking about doing good makes no difference in this world, the actions reflect the man, not his thoughts. If you take a person who has nothing but hatred in this world saving lives and changing others for the better, is he not better than the man who loves the world yet does nothing to help? We are all given life, we are given strength, to think about using it is nice, but the truth is, the action is what makes the difference.
The question of it all is, who do we see as the better man? The one who uses the life he is given, or the one who doesn’t? Or do we judge him by the way he thinks? Let us look at why do they think it yet don’t act. We live in a society where everyone is taught courtesy, with campaigns and posters teaching how people should act in certain situations.
I’ve seen people who are deemed “good” citizens in courtesy wise, where they give up their seats to old people and pregnant ladies in trains and buses. But when it comes down to rushing over to help someone who has fallen on the floor at the entrance of the train carriage just as the door is closing, no one does anything, these “good” citizens simply gawk and stare, not even moving to help.
I remembered the moment, I rushed there to help the lady up, with only one other rushing over to look but not even offering a hand. If one is not taught such an act, are they incapable of doing it? Perhaps they thought of helping, but did not act. In this world, actions are more important than thinking it. Perhaps, none of these people encountered this scenario, or were “taught” about how to react in that situation. This is where the divide occurs, the person who acts and the person who doesn’t, suppose there is this person who is considered “evil or bad” compared to the rest of the “good” citizens, taking my place in that moment, helping that lady. Does that make that “bad” person better than these “good” citizens? Even if he delighted in the fall of the lady and laughed at her, if helped her, he made a bigger difference than those who may have felt sorry for the lady who fell, because he was the one who saved her.
So based on the thinking of the person and his action? Which weighs out more? A thought is not real, but an action is. Though it would be best if the person thought of good and did good, but when it comes down to the debate of thinking versus action, I must say that the person who acts is still better than the person who thinks in this aspect.
As the droplets fall on my head,
I looked down and close my eyes,
Feeling the constriction around my finger,
A ring with a string attached to it.
The string is connected to my heart,
Which is linked to a trigger,
The wind blows across my face,
My hair blowing wildly to one side.
I lift my head up and press,
The deafening sound leaving nothing,
But a ringing sound in my ears,
As I fall to my knees.
-Push the button.
Silence, is it a cruelty or a kindness?
A respect towards another or lack of care?
Remove yourself from you emotions,
And stand back and look at the shadow cast.
You hear yourself dripping over the phone.
You listen carefully for the howling wind,
That moves you from place to place,
Where will it go next?
Don’t you want to change pace?
Stand your ground and hold on tight.
Everybody is surrendering all around,
Give yourself a reason to be here,
Close your eyes and visualize,
Feel the hand in yours.
Hold me tight.
- Hold on tight.
I stood there in my white shirt with my left hand at my side clutching a dark red rose, pondering about the moment when I should let go of it and continue on my journey. I remember the quote, “Sometimes you have to let things go in order to move forward”
I’ve let go of so many things in my life, and it has helped me moved forward with my life where I don’t carry the weight of it on my shoulders. Of course, remembering them brings back emotions, perhaps not as raw and intense as when it first occurred but it reminds oneself of how one felt then. The things that might trigger them, a certain song that was played then, a song that reflects that moment… So many possibilities, the moments where you sit down alone and reflect and fill yourself with emotions that sometimes might feel overwhelming, and you question yourself why you’re feeling such emotions?
We’re all entitled to our moments where we feel down for no apparent reason, but we need to able to pull ourselves out of it and return to reality, the path we are currently on, not the path that we were on. Such memories serve well as experiences that mold us, so we keep them with us throughout our lives. Use it well, not as something that will hold you back.
On the path we are currently on, the thing we will encounter most, which is perhaps the most constant thing, is change. It’s something that happens throughout our entire lives. Life is about change, sometimes its painful, sometimes its beautiful, but most of the time its both. That is what makes life worth living. We affect change, it’s what gives us power, the ability to change things, affect our world, others. We are agents of change.
Life is strength, you live you affect your world, it is undeniable. The choices we have, have the ability to affect our world, it’s the truth about life. What we do with our lives is a whole different story. Have you sat down and saw how you fit in the grander picture? Whose lives you will affect, you will change. Are we simply victims of circumstances with no choice? “When a man cannot choose he ceases to be a man.” This is taken from the movie Clockwork Orange, if we don’t have the choice, we are no longer men, that is why in the world we live in today, we are men who have choices, and what we do determines who we are.
Simply thinking about doing good makes no difference in this world, the actions reflect the man, not his thoughts. If you take a person who has nothing but hatred in this world saving lives and changing others for the better, is he not better than the man who loves the world yet does nothing to help? We are all given life, we are given strength, to think about using it is nice, but the truth is, the action is what makes the difference.
The question of it all is, who do we see as the better man? The one who uses the life he is given, or the one who doesn’t? Or do we judge him by the way he thinks? Let us look at why do they think it yet don’t act. We live in a society where everyone is taught courtesy, with campaigns and posters teaching how people should act in certain situations.
I’ve seen people who are deemed “good” citizens in courtesy wise, where they give up their seats to old people and pregnant ladies in trains and buses. But when it comes down to rushing over to help someone who has fallen on the floor at the entrance of the train carriage just as the door is closing, no one does anything, these “good” citizens simply gawk and stare, not even moving to help.
I remembered the moment, I rushed there to help the lady up, with only one other rushing over to look but not even offering a hand. If one is not taught such an act, are they incapable of doing it? Perhaps they thought of helping, but did not act. In this world, actions are more important than thinking it. Perhaps, none of these people encountered this scenario, or were “taught” about how to react in that situation. This is where the divide occurs, the person who acts and the person who doesn’t, suppose there is this person who is considered “evil or bad” compared to the rest of the “good” citizens, taking my place in that moment, helping that lady. Does that make that “bad” person better than these “good” citizens? Even if he delighted in the fall of the lady and laughed at her, if helped her, he made a bigger difference than those who may have felt sorry for the lady who fell, because he was the one who saved her.
So based on the thinking of the person and his action? Which weighs out more? A thought is not real, but an action is. Though it would be best if the person thought of good and did good, but when it comes down to the debate of thinking versus action, I must say that the person who acts is still better than the person who thinks in this aspect.
As the droplets fall on my head,
I looked down and close my eyes,
Feeling the constriction around my finger,
A ring with a string attached to it.
The string is connected to my heart,
Which is linked to a trigger,
The wind blows across my face,
My hair blowing wildly to one side.
I lift my head up and press,
The deafening sound leaving nothing,
But a ringing sound in my ears,
As I fall to my knees.
-Push the button.
Friday, 18 July 2008
The clockwork mind
I hear the dead silence for that moment,
Before the clock strikes twelve,
As the gears begin to turn,
I look at the object in my hand.
The final card that has yet to be dealt.
The tick tocks of the clockwork,
As the twins of fate seem driven to meet,
I close my eyes,
And tilt my head slightly backwards.
It all ends with the sound of a click.
-Into the mind behind closed doors.
As I sit down here, I hear the music pouring from the speakers into the room, a score that makes me ponder about the side of a person who managed to create such a character.
The movie dark knight was outstanding, and something that took my breath away. The movie was truly a reflection of an extremely well created and acted character, the joker. To see the expressions and actions of the joker was amazing, Heath Ledger was amazing. I can only imagine what he faced in the room he stayed in a room for a month.
Can you imagine yourself being in a room for one month? To play the joker, the lengths he took to create his character, a culmination of dedication to his craft. Living alone in a hotel room for a month, he spent the time creating the joker’s manner, psyche, voice and posture. Slowly becoming the character, and keeping a diary where he recorded the thoughts and feelings of the character.
Heath Ledger used inspirations from a masterpiece called clockwork orange, another movie that I feel is truly amazing, something that combines ultra-violence and sex and morals with the most radical symbolism for its time. It is something that I think, those who are prepared for something that is radical for this country, should watch.
Like having a conversation with one’s self, reflecting and thinking about what it is like to think in such a manner, to feel such emotions, to be able to think like the joker, to act psychotic yet incredibly intelligent. The amount of brooding one would have to do, reflecting from multiple points of views, ranging from a scheming genius to a child like manner which takes pure joy in violence and destruction. I cannot only begin to peel off the layers slightly to even contemplate what must go through one’s mind. To even have a laugh so deep and scary that it would befit the joker.
Taking in all the expressions he used, the convincing act truly felt like the real deal, something I myself find is truly something that reminds me of how much I treasure acting. The craft itself, the manner, the skill required.
The plot within a plot was genius, he had the material that was something that kept me in awe, the way of thinking required to come up with such plans, to actually do such a thing, the mind of the joker, it makes me wonder if I could even reach such a level to perform a role such as that. I’ve always had a preference to acting as a villain, one who had a strong personality that is often unforgettable and will remain in the minds of the audience, to leave an impression that they were evil, or misunderstood, or perhaps both.
If I had to name two villains I would love to play, it would be Heath Ledger’s take on the joker or Jon Irenicus who is the main antagonist of “Baldur’s gate two shadows of Amn” (A Dungeons and dragons game which has the most storyline for a game I’ve played)
I’ve been in Canoe for 3 months now, and the daily grind of going to school, discussing with team mates who are often unmotivated to work,(To those who do work, I appreciate that you guys are there.) analyzing problems given daily that we must research and present on, and then training, either in the gym or in canoe. I go to school five days a week, train seven days of the week unless I take a day off to go and watch a movie or spend time with friends. Watching the joker on the screen, reminded me how much I miss acting.
I feel the call of the stage, I have not acted in such a long time. Can you imagine what it feels like to be on stage? To become the character you are given, to convince the audience you are truly that person, to have them understand and empathize or even fear your character. The emotion one feels from the character, the amount that you must draw from within to create that true expression, as if in that moment you believed you were that person, not only that, for that moment you didn’t exist, but that character.
That is something I greatly miss, and would like to return to eventually when time permits. At this current point, training seven days a week won’t lead to me returning to the stage. Of course, if I do return to the stage I hope to get a role that is truly worth the return, a role, a villain of which I could use my talent to shape and create and eventually become.
Tomorrow is the national canoe competition, something I have to go for the next two days. Of course, the day itself will also be the poker night I have been planning for weeks now, it makes or breaks several things, but overall I intend for it to be something worth the time of everyone who comes. I feel committed to canoe, but also feel the call of the stage, beckoning, the lights, the music, the mics, the makeup, the crowd.
The many words fill my head,
Like a thousand voices all at once,
Bearing down with tremendous pressure,
Of which there is no measure.
The shattered glass leaves a trail behind me.
Reach into the darkness,
And pull me back from the edge,
Before I fall,
Help me find that pill.
That pill that takes my pain away.
-Breaking out
I hear the dead silence for that moment,
Before the clock strikes twelve,
As the gears begin to turn,
I look at the object in my hand.
The final card that has yet to be dealt.
The tick tocks of the clockwork,
As the twins of fate seem driven to meet,
I close my eyes,
And tilt my head slightly backwards.
It all ends with the sound of a click.
-Into the mind behind closed doors.
As I sit down here, I hear the music pouring from the speakers into the room, a score that makes me ponder about the side of a person who managed to create such a character.
The movie dark knight was outstanding, and something that took my breath away. The movie was truly a reflection of an extremely well created and acted character, the joker. To see the expressions and actions of the joker was amazing, Heath Ledger was amazing. I can only imagine what he faced in the room he stayed in a room for a month.
Can you imagine yourself being in a room for one month? To play the joker, the lengths he took to create his character, a culmination of dedication to his craft. Living alone in a hotel room for a month, he spent the time creating the joker’s manner, psyche, voice and posture. Slowly becoming the character, and keeping a diary where he recorded the thoughts and feelings of the character.
Heath Ledger used inspirations from a masterpiece called clockwork orange, another movie that I feel is truly amazing, something that combines ultra-violence and sex and morals with the most radical symbolism for its time. It is something that I think, those who are prepared for something that is radical for this country, should watch.
Like having a conversation with one’s self, reflecting and thinking about what it is like to think in such a manner, to feel such emotions, to be able to think like the joker, to act psychotic yet incredibly intelligent. The amount of brooding one would have to do, reflecting from multiple points of views, ranging from a scheming genius to a child like manner which takes pure joy in violence and destruction. I cannot only begin to peel off the layers slightly to even contemplate what must go through one’s mind. To even have a laugh so deep and scary that it would befit the joker.
Taking in all the expressions he used, the convincing act truly felt like the real deal, something I myself find is truly something that reminds me of how much I treasure acting. The craft itself, the manner, the skill required.
The plot within a plot was genius, he had the material that was something that kept me in awe, the way of thinking required to come up with such plans, to actually do such a thing, the mind of the joker, it makes me wonder if I could even reach such a level to perform a role such as that. I’ve always had a preference to acting as a villain, one who had a strong personality that is often unforgettable and will remain in the minds of the audience, to leave an impression that they were evil, or misunderstood, or perhaps both.
If I had to name two villains I would love to play, it would be Heath Ledger’s take on the joker or Jon Irenicus who is the main antagonist of “Baldur’s gate two shadows of Amn” (A Dungeons and dragons game which has the most storyline for a game I’ve played)
I’ve been in Canoe for 3 months now, and the daily grind of going to school, discussing with team mates who are often unmotivated to work,(To those who do work, I appreciate that you guys are there.) analyzing problems given daily that we must research and present on, and then training, either in the gym or in canoe. I go to school five days a week, train seven days of the week unless I take a day off to go and watch a movie or spend time with friends. Watching the joker on the screen, reminded me how much I miss acting.
I feel the call of the stage, I have not acted in such a long time. Can you imagine what it feels like to be on stage? To become the character you are given, to convince the audience you are truly that person, to have them understand and empathize or even fear your character. The emotion one feels from the character, the amount that you must draw from within to create that true expression, as if in that moment you believed you were that person, not only that, for that moment you didn’t exist, but that character.
That is something I greatly miss, and would like to return to eventually when time permits. At this current point, training seven days a week won’t lead to me returning to the stage. Of course, if I do return to the stage I hope to get a role that is truly worth the return, a role, a villain of which I could use my talent to shape and create and eventually become.
Tomorrow is the national canoe competition, something I have to go for the next two days. Of course, the day itself will also be the poker night I have been planning for weeks now, it makes or breaks several things, but overall I intend for it to be something worth the time of everyone who comes. I feel committed to canoe, but also feel the call of the stage, beckoning, the lights, the music, the mics, the makeup, the crowd.
The many words fill my head,
Like a thousand voices all at once,
Bearing down with tremendous pressure,
Of which there is no measure.
The shattered glass leaves a trail behind me.
Reach into the darkness,
And pull me back from the edge,
Before I fall,
Help me find that pill.
That pill that takes my pain away.
-Breaking out
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