Of things once broken

At a glance I saw what’s real,
I hope you’d listen to my appeal,
I’ve kept my lips closed with this seal,
Please stop time.

I wondered how much I would fare,
But I’ve held back for I did not dare,
As I worry for those whom I care,
Please don’t stare.

I fell to both knees in front of you,
I felt the grass beneath us two,
I wondered if you knew who,
What I had gone through.

A resonance.

Dizzy as I rested my head in your lap,
I left my writings laid bare,
Of the things I wanted to say and do,
Of the things I wrote.

I cried slowly.

I looked up and reached for your face,
Holding your hair that feels like lace,
As I was cradled in your grace,
Protected by your wings and comforted by your gaze.

All I wanted to do was to follow a path,
I never knew what fate I had cast,
The angels knew my draft,
That I’d never have enough.

Of you.

-Turn the lights off

The champagne bottle came ajar, from the top shelf of the wine fridge, as the bottles came crashing down, I reached out, catching what I could, and I caught almost all, except for one. The champagne bottle fell, and in my mind imagined it shattering into many pieces. It never broke, something else did. That something broke its fall, my littlest toe.

I had broken the bone in my little toe, and now I am once again on medical leave. Considering that the previous week I had a fever and I had been on medical leave for 4 days since the week before’s Monday, now I am on another 3 days since yesterday. I have yet to go to work for such a long time. I’ve never had so much sleep in my life, the energy is there, but the complications of my toe, doesn’t allow me to do that much. As I look out the window, at those who run by my house outside and I could not help but stop and stare. It’s been so long since I had a good run. I’ve lost so much weight due to being sick last week, so much that I increased the number of pull-ups I could do without training. For such a long time I had been stuck at twelve, now I am at fifteen, how astonishing to me it is. All this rest must be getting to me, and weight loss too.

Being stuck at home has been a bore, though I had a lot of time to work on my writings, plan my life and future, with the comfort of a twelve pack of light coke (I love light coke, it’s pretty much my favorite drink, not for the diet factor, but the taste and feeling, it makes me high!) I’ve become pretty restless. My close female friend visited me twice during this time, to keep me company, which I gratefully appreciate. A change of pace and someone to sit down and have dinner with, and with her ranting of her life to keep my day interesting. She also reminded me that I have not baked in a long time.

I realize I only bake when I am truly happy. I guess I’ve been alright, but I’ve not been satisfied with my life so far, only when I am truly contented, perhaps then I’ll bake once more. I do cook here and there, some pasta, some risotto, a baked fish, fried pork knuckles, it’s not that often that I cook though. The desire isn’t really there. I’m at the state where I am waiting for what I’ve planned out. Army doesn’t really put much purpose in and meaning to my life. Dota is not life, though its fun, it’s just that, its just entertainment. I want to feel achievement and purpose. Army will not have much impact on my future, and with it coming to a close, I am just waiting for the move, the transition which I’m wondering if I am ready for. Whether I am ready or not, I know I want it.

Well, till I’m contented, ginger bread men and peanut butter cookies will have to wait.

The moment of change feels so real, as much as my toe is really broken, I feel the change coming, the world slowing down in the last moments of this part of my life. This chapter is in its final paragraph, and the future plays I wish to do, the poems I am to write, the stories to conjure, the new chapter to begin. I’ve touched the parchment on which to write the next chapter, now is to prepare for its prologue. It makes me curious and excited about what I’ll get to learn and experience, the people whom I will get to meet and interact with. It feels so real, because it is.

I look through the tainted glass,
And see what has come to pass,
Of the commitments that never last,
Why did they end so fast?

Some choices were better than some,
Of all the things I wanted to say,
I wanted to feel,
At the end of tragedy.

I showed no mercy,
I sundered hearts with urgency,
To an extent of pure gluttony,
Was hurt the true currency?

And so the souls left broken,
In my wake I left then empty,
Only for them to return wanting,
I offer them no reprieve.

And when the shadows cast a cloth,
Covering the lights that are turned off,
Their tears dried like a dry cough,
There I find the revenge they sought.

I turn the lights off,
And close my eyes,
I let the glass fly,
And let myself come undone.
-A simple tragedy

Well the days where I left much broken souls in my wake is long past. I stare down at the shadows long cast, in the light, it casts one long shadow. I found that the past haunts are nothing to worry about anymore. The ghosts have given up, though perhaps not forgiven. I wonder if eventually the spirits will be laid to rest.

Was I wrong to be what I was last time? I lived my life, I betrayed no one, and I just lived it. Was that so wrong? And being true to myself, not lying to myself, and not to the other person who I was with, was that wrong? I questioned it several times myself, and each time, I knew that it wasn’t, I would never experienced what I have had if I did not. In which it makes culminates to what I am, for to me also learn what is it in life that I want. Would you know what you want straight away? I know I did not, I had to try, I had to see, I had to learn, I had to explore and experience.

Still, I can’t help how some people have reacted to ending of a relationship. As much as some people found it hard to let go, they turned to blame the other person. No matter how amiable or appropriate the circumstances. I guess some people will always victimize themselves, and in order to do it, they have to villanize someone, and I guess I had to be that one. So much for being their superman, now I am their Lex Luther.

The difference between them blaming me, and me not blaming them for anything, I believe in myself.



The journey seems so perilous,
I’ve reached the end of the Sabbath,
Surrounded from tyrants all around,
I create my path in this requiem of dreams.

Treading in this icy water,
Numbing the cold silence,
The waves hitting me gently,
As I close my eyes and see the dagger.

I cut my way through my demons,
To the summit of my destiny,
Where the angel of mercy resides,
The moment a coup de ceour.

Reaching for her,
I take her into my arms,
Spreading my wings,
Believing in myself.
-Believing in myself.