Against me

Reaching out for me,
Stares cutting across the room,
A connection beyond tones,
Feeling all caution melt away.

Fallen on my knees.

Pulling me towards you,
Feeling the draw of the insane,
Breaking the train of thoughts,
Immersed in this ocean of desires.

Spreading out my arms in this embrace.

Feeling the pull from my body,
Every bit of energy draining to one point,
Rising inside of me,
Drawing from within.

To come undone.


-Reaching forward

When I think about the people who disliked me, who spoke against me to people whom I were close to, I realized that most of the time those people were hypocrites. Many a time, when people were against things that I did, they ended up doing it themselves. Condemning me for something that they would not condemn themselves for. It is too easy to condemn another, but not yourself.

I make that very same mistake myself, I judge like everybody else, and when I make the same mistake, I realize that I was wrong, and I change my judgment, though it was already made before. The problem is, some people don’t, in fact a lot don’t. It leaves a bitter taste when I think about it, but these are things I’ve learnt to let go. It doesn’t bother me, but of course no matter what ever you let go, there will be things that still taste sour in your mouth when you recollect about them.

At times it can feel like the world is against me. But when I step back, I see my friends are there, and that they’ve not turned against me, but rather, they offer help and show their concern for me. Those who are against me hold an agenda against me that I often never understand on how they began. That, I hope to learn, and use to improve myself, so that I might better myself, although it is impossible to please everyone. I’ve learnt that so many times, it’s impossible to please everyone, but it’s still possible to please the majority, but most of the time, it’s important to be true one’s self and be there for those who matter most, and not the crowd.

I’ve had a few people actually apologize to me after a long time, when they realized how they misjudged me, or realize that I actually treated them well when they did not return in kind, but rather listened to the back stabbing of others. When I was younger, I was oblivious to politics, which went about, and apparently there were those who disliked me whom I did not even have contact with. Guess it’s the case of “Don’t like the person’s face, so you’ll hate them” sort of thing.

One of my follies is, after being treated such, I was terribly hurt and it’s so hard to forgive or accept the apology given. It eats at me to let such a betrayal go. At the end of it, what do I gain from not accepting it? After thinking carefully, I’d realize how it is pointless and petty to continue the way it is, though I have lost my heart to continue the relationship. I’m the type whose passion once gone, rarely ever returns.

It’s very hard to continue off where something had already gone sour, and if it’s been a long time, the feelings for the relationship, the closeness would have been completely dissipated. It leaves somewhat a kind of numbness where you could look at the person as if they were a total stranger.

But there are a few partings that I still feel for, the scars left behind, a lingering pain that is somewhat surreal.

A crimson drop of a tear from above,
Hopes crushed as if a flower encountered a false dawn,
A ray of light casts the shadow of my past,
But a smile melts it away,
Burying my shadows,
Drowning my fears.

The shadows will not die,
It cannot be murdered,
Undying, screaming out at me,
I feel like the hunter being hunted,
being haunted by the shadow beside me.

Help mistaken for cruel intentions,
In a world where I find it hard to trust,
who will I turn to that is just,
I fear that my heart will turn to rust,
And then, perhaps to dust.
-I wish not.

Something I wrote long ago, about this same topic.
“I always thought myself strong enough to withstand any emotional bombs and missiles thrown at me. But I guess some people just are able to get pass it. That chink in the armor, my weakness, my kryptonite. I wonder, what could have been, and remember that I am what I am now, a better person, though with the same weaknesses as before, weaknesses though less exposed are still sometimes vulnerable by the person who inflicted them. I’ve not felt this weak in a long time. It reminds me that I am still human with flaws. It reminds of me of what I was like before, the naïve boy.”

This is a prologue to a novel I wrote a long time ago, I forgot which version is this, but its not the latest one for sure. Perhaps one day I’ll show the most recent version which reflects my true thoughts, though most of it remains the same, just more of what my experiences have given me, placed into the prologue:

Love is something everyone tries to define, no matter how much you try and define it; it is always different one way or another. Love changes things, and relationships are never the same again. Love can be in many kinds too, sibling love, parental love, love of inanimate objects, love of a wife or husband. But most of the time people concentrate on the love between a man and a woman, boy and girl. Why do we define it so much? That kind of love affects us the most I guess, it can bring us the greatest joy, and the greatest pain. That is why that kind of love is considered so important to us. To me, love between a boy and a girl, is a union of souls. True love is where both boy and girl are best friends and lovers at the same time and that they would do anything for each other.

Often, love is a compromise for the other party, which makes one question love, but is it wrong to question another’s love? They say love should be unquestioned, but often, we still question it. In any relationship between a boy and girl, there will always be a time where their love for each other is tested, that is how the strength of their love is defined. But no matter how many relationships you have gone through, it is always different. No matter how much your experience, when its true love, you are always uneasy and unsure of yourself.

True love, how does it happen? Love at first sight? I do not really believe in such things, for even when you look into the eyes of the person, no matter how much you judge a person by their looks, you cannot tell what they are truly like, until you have been with them. For me, I judge women like a bottle of wine, the appearance of the bottle maybe attractive or seductive, but you can never know what its like or whether you would love it until you have tasted its contents. The contents are the women’s true self, her personality and her essence. A woman can be sweet or sour, strong or mildly pleasant, intoxicating or weak. She could have a great after taste that leaves you wanting for more, she could make you addicted to her. Addiction, the start of infatuation, that eventually leads to love. To me, infatuation is the part and parcel of life that eventually leads to love or rejection if it is given the chance. And like wine, women can get better with age or become the sour vinegar that would be undrinkable. It depends on her, she is the one who defines how she ages and changes. If she becomes better with age, her beauty is more enhanced and her personality becomes more refined. But those are the rare type of wines. But I did find one; she was the rarest bottle of wine I had ever found. She was the one.