Rapture of the father

Take away all my sins,
Send it far beyond,
Leave me to face myself,
Staring at the image before me.

Clad in white without a sin,
Clean of any evil it smiles at me,
The light so bright,
The flowers around it in full bloom.

It coaxes me towards it,
Reaching out to me,
Eyes so cutting melting my thoughts,
Silent whispers pulling me along.

I sense a hint of darkness,
A glimmer of a lie,
A truth it seems,
A fact it appears to be.

Picking up the rough stone of my memories,
And preparing to throw it through the looking glass,
The image screams out at me,
The glass shatters.

Behind the glass was darkness,
Clad in black without a trace of white,
It turned away not daring to look at me,
Appearing to strain under my stare.

Retreating into the shadows,
Eyes turned away,
The seduction it seems so far a memory,
A forgotten soul.

I reach my hand out to it,
It takes my hand and I embrace it,
Forgiveness to melt away the black,
Tears to wash away the ash.

The naked figure laid bare,
Washed of its darkness,
Smoothed gently as I return it to the light,
For the rapture of the father.
-Rapture of the Father

Looking at my past, it seems so seductive, with its past glory and interactions with people. At a state of heightened awareness, a flood for the senses during those days and it’s so easy to not see the wrongs of the past. Then when I look closer and remember my mistakes, and think about my experiences more, I see that there are things which I have yet to learn and grow from, and of course remember the mistakes, and not make them again. There are times where it is so tempting to become my old self, but then after seeing what it truly is, it loses its charm, its seduction.

The following poem was written by me two years ago:

The tales of my soul,
Like everything said and done,
Mirrors along the wall,
Tell me of what I once was,
Moved so slow,
Dreamt too long,
I wonder why,
What do I need?
I Desire nothing,
Yet I need everything,
Everything from life.
-Everything.

My thoughts are often left divided when it comes to when I feel alienated by a group of people who are supposed to be my friends. It lets me see if I did anything wrong, whether my attitude towards them or things I do with them needs to be adjusted. The next thing I look at is what they expect, or how they react towards me, and finally what I expect of them, which in turn is normally the cause of me, feeling alienated.

When situations change, the way people treat you often becomes different. But it sickens me when people leave you standing there alone, totally ignored. And when they needed me, they treated me like I was their best buddy, as if everything was normal. When I wasn’t needed, they revert back to the way they treated me previously.

I can’t say that I am not affected by such things, but I am. I have feelings, and yes though I know it is how some people are, and that they do not have much impact in my life or my future, it still affects me. It eats a little bit at that hardened armor I carry around. What I find harder to handle in life though, is my expectations out of things.

We all expect something out of relationships. Be it friend, lover or relative. Not in a materialistic sense but in a form of bonding or actions. When I look at what I expect of people I realize that I have high expectations out of certain people, and very little of some.

Most of the time, those who I had high expectations of let me down, and it often occurs when there is a break in communication. Acknowledging how each other feel or are becomes non-existent, or one side did not make the point to interact, so the other’s passion or interest waned and faded away. Interaction is part of being in a relationship, and is crucial for things to work. People I have been close to, but don’t interact with aren’t considered my friends anymore, but rather as acquaintances because the lack of interaction for a long period of time creates a drift or gap between us. We grow and change all the time in one or another, and meet other people and form new relationships, thus lowering the importance of that previous relationship. It’s no fault of theirs or mine most of the time. We all move on in our lives and the people who we interact with everyday tend to take a greater importance in our lives.

I guess making the point of keeping up with the person and spending some bonding time is important. What do I mean about bonding time? It’s not simply about having fun, it’s easy to go out to a movie, go to the arcade or play sports with another person. The real part of bonding is the part where in the relationship, the two people open up to each other, discussing how they feel, how things are going on in their life, their dreams, hopes for the future and genuinely listening to each other. Now for me, I’ve only had a few people in my entire life that I can say are true friends. My expectations of them are definitely higher, but also my understanding on how they feel and what is going on in their life is definitely better.

One thing I’ve learnt is that it’s hard to make true friends, and most people who become close to becoming a true friend end up disappointing you. Especially when the person turns their back on you after you opened up so much to them, the betrayal leaving a scar on your heart. Its one of the few things that can make me cry. Yes, its heart wrenching for me. Here is a poem that I wrote two years ago about one such case.



Severance a requiem of pain,
The silence deafening,
Trust consumed by lust,
Time an endless breath,
Promises so hard to keep,
Dreams so easy to break,
Relations so easy to flake.

Is there anything left to make?
Life’s not breathing back,
In these hurried times,
A false sense of comfort,
From all around,
It surrounds and takes the pain away,
Only to return it ten-fold,

Masks of which we are, not being who we truly are,
Seeking approval in a flock,
Perhaps from those jocks,
Or those whose hearts are like rocks.
Where do I stand?
I am no jock or rock,
I guess you will keep your heart in a lock.
-Severance

The severance was painful, especially when the relationship was at its highest point when it ended. It definitely makes me a more jaded person.

To me, I find the heart is like a porcelain plate, when it is first broken, it breaks into a few pieces, and when it gets mended back to one whole piece it will retain its hairline cracks. So the following time plate is broken, it breaks into even more pieces due to the current cracks. And each time the plate is fixed, it has even more hairline cracks. The more pieces it gets broken to, it takes even longer for it to mend back together. Eventually, when the plate is broken one too many times, it becomes no more. Thus, one becomes jaded after a while. Trust in someone becomes so much harder, and sometimes one loses the chance to become a true friend with that person because you push the person away because you find it hard to open up.