Infinity complex

The ray of light flashes past my eyes,
The returning darkness a harsh reality,
I traveled far beyond a place I regret,
Turning around to face myself.

Red eyes gleaming straight at me,
I lift my hand to block the animosity,
I find myself falling to the ground,
A bright light engulfs my sight.

I fall into a place of soft grass,
The warmth of the sun shining down,
A clear blue sky all around,
I reach up for the light.

The vision begins to crumble,
I feel the crimson cutting me once more,
It has no mercy for me,
I return the favor shown towards me.

Wash away my sins,
Atone for every soul I sundered,
I tear away the darkness from inside,
And tear of my constraints.

I spread my unbound wings,
Rising above this mirror,
It claws upwards unable to reach,
I forgive it,
I forgive myself.
-Looking into the mirror

Sometimes I wonder whether if I could erase the sins I’ve committed, the wrong I’ve done, the animosity I held against others. And I realize I can’t erase them, because they’ve been done and felt already. What I can do, is learn from them, and not repeat them. Not an easy feat I guess, it is always a constant battle against myself, and after all that I must also not forget myself, who I am, and not act what in a way that is not truly who I am. For me, it was about learning to avoid violence from my experiences, to learn to make up for mistakes I’ve done, forgetting or forgiving those whom I had animosity towards and trying to mend broken bridges.

There are times where violence to me is not wrong, but it is perhaps still wrong by law to even lift a finger against another. But to defend another who is oppressed, wrongly treated, it would be wrong not to intervene. Of course, violence is not the best solution, and should be avoided; I try to control myself, even when the anger builds inside of me.

In my youth I was quick to argue and eager to prove myself if a fight came about. When I think about it, fighting never won me any friends, it just alienated me more from others, and those who I won, never really admitted the defeat, they simply continued their animosity towards me. If I lost, they would never let it die, and choose to continue their mockery or verbal abuse until I made them submit, which simply continued the cycle of violence. As I grew older I learnt that violence is not the best solution, but at times violence like I already said, is warranted. When it comes down to violence, never forget logic.

Of course, logic is important when it comes to violence, sounds nonsensical right? Violence and logic together is hard to grasp, but it is necessary if you actually have to defend someone or yourself physically. If you don’t think carefully of what you’re doing, in the heat of it, you might let someone get behind you and hurt you, or you might end up hurting the person badly, or even killing him. That’s why, controlling one’s emotions and thinking clearly is necessary, hard to do when your adrenaline is pumping and I can say, every time it occurs, there is always a sense of fear in me. I know I am no god, I am a human being, and I am only one man or that my friends are just human beings too. Knowing when it is pointless to fight, where your physical intervention will not result in achieving anything either than your own injury or friend's, then trying to pull the person away and running is the best logic. Is it a shame to know when you can't win? Logic, violence is only warranted when you have no other choice at that point of time and if you can achieve a better result than not using violence at all. Don't fight to win, fight to protect.

Not to digress any further into the details, the main objective is to get into it if you have to, bring the person in distress out of danger and disable or stop the aggressor or the bully and get yourself and your friends out without further violence. That’s the best case scenario.

At the end of it, what is worse than physical violence is verbal abuse/violence. I believe if words are worse because they are usually the cause of most fights. Many a time, I find it only takes a few words and gestures to get a fight to occur. Whether physical or not, the words started it. Often in the heat of the moment our mind might select the most cutting remarks we can think of that moment that causes the other to crack.

That’s why, I avoid having verbal arguments, and I hate to fight verbally. If one avoids the verbal fight, the friction is greatly reduced, though the anger is still probably there, like fuel. Fuel alone often will not result in a fight, however if you use words, its like sparks that ignites the volatile fuel. I’ve gotten into way too many fights because of things I’ve said, or retorted to what people said to me, so I guess that part I learnt the most from. Experience is a harsh lesson, especially when you find yourself pit against something you can’t win. I'm glad I learnt loss, which allowed me to learn.

I’m not the quickest of wit when it comes to arguments because I don’t argue very often. But when I sit down to contemplate I often come up with better things than I could ever have when it comes down to arguments. And like I said, I hate arguing. I like the policy of being friends with everyone. Of course, its a fool's dream right? I'd like to continue living that dream as much as possible. Of course the first and most important person to not fight with is myself.

I wonder what would happen if I met my younger self. The different “versions” of me, would they listen to their older self? The advice I had to give them? Perhaps not, or it would not be needed because they’ve yet to experience the events that allow for me to give the advice. I think that some versions of me might try to fight me, trying to prove themselves more capable, eager to take down this person who claims to be wiser. I would not emphasize my strength, though some versions of me have greater strength physically in certain areas, fortunately my wider knowledge and experience of martial arts will give me a better edge. But is there a point to fighting at all? So what if I win, it will not teach him anything, either than he suffered a bitter loss to someone stronger than him. I guess I’d just block all the hits and try to bring him to his senses. If all else fails, just give in and say he is the better person and try to turn the situation in to a way of becoming friends or at least as respectful acquaintances. And hopefully in encountering the dark side of myself, I might show it the light and erase the darkness completely, leaving only the light, to which I could use to protect.


A sudden flash of anger,
words crossed paths,
figures surrounding a friend,
a red moon rises,
I will not stand for it,
I rise to pull him away from it,
the moon bleeds,
away from the crimson,
into the light of safety,
doing what he would have done for me,
protect.
-To protect