Reflection

When will we get there?
A pause within a moment,
Promises with a smile,
What is there to right?
I think I see a lot in plain sight,
But so little worth fighting for.

Severance from reality,
The truth seems to breaking,
Everyone seems to be waiting,
A fallen tear shed,
Many years ago,
With many more to come.

What was lost?
Pity about the loss,
Forgive it for what it was,
Frightened by the toss,
Shrouded by the frenzy,
Becoming a forgotten cause.

What is there worth fighting for?
Issues thrown into the fray,
But which to fix?
Frowns upon the promises made,
A pause within a moment,
When will we get there?
-When will we get there?

The mist clouds much before me, on an empty road. A cold morning it was, around two. The road stretched out before me, I could not see very far, and there as I walked I thought about where I was now.

Right now, a gap in my life was soon to end, two years that I’d never get back, of which I had no choice, but to serve. I’ve met many people, learnt and matured much from my interactions and experiences. Saw the ugly side of people, and of course much of my own, people were my mirror. Given a better understanding of life, I know that as I see more of the bigger picture, knowing more and more and seeing past the word “I” and seeing and feeling of the word “us”.

When I contemplate about what I have done for the most of my national service, I actually regret much of what I have done. For the first time, I truly regret having lived the slack vocation of which I got. I would rather have done more, become what I am physically and mentally capable of. But what is one to do when the government doesn’t allow it? I did not choose to be born with this minor flaw, yes I have a kryptonite, but everyone has his or her kryptonite in one way or another. Like a clause within a contract that forbids one, which perhaps if I actually fought for, I might have gotten, but I guess in a way it was fear of fighting the system stopped me; to me it was a moment of weakness, because I did nothing to change what was given to me, although I wanted more. And here I thought I’d never regret anything in my life because it always taught me and gave me experiences. I made it a point to live life without regret, yet the experiences I got were not something I felt was worth the two years. The slack life of army was never what I wanted, I wanted the hardest bit national service could throw at me, the toughest training and best appointment a national serviceman could get. A commando officer. But that’s wishful thinking, too late, the damage had been done, I’ve loss a good chunk of time already and have not been as fit as I was originally was before army. In fact people would think I’m stupid or crazy for not wanting what I was given, and that I should be grateful for the easy life I got, and that I was a fool for wanting the toughest training an national serviceman could get. But I wanted the experience, to learn from it, to know what it was like to be one of the elite soldiers in the army, in a way it was a dream. However, a consolation that I got was that I got to meet a really good marital artist, whose skill and strength was far beyond what I had. For the first time in my life, I met someone who actually practiced something that paled every unarmed combat I’ve seen, learnt and practiced. It was mixed martial arts; it brought together all the best aspects of different martial arts.

I’ve learnt much from then, becoming a stronger person, physically and mentally. What I lost was my ability to run, and gained weight, due to a year of little physical activity and too much food. Of course, I’ve managed to work a lot back since the year of slacking off, but I have yet to get back to my peak. I’ve perhaps more strength, but less athletic ability. I’d rather have more speed and endurance over being able to lift more weight.

Perhaps, the reason for my regret is because of the slack life I got in the army as it made me slack and unfit. What I wanted was the tough training, of course, it might be different when it isn’t voluntary. But I was willing to go for it. That’s why I knew I’d prefer it. Physically and mentally prepared, until my enlistment, I had trained hard for to ensure that I could endure, and perhaps surpass the requirements. I wanted it, pity it all came to naught.

What I got to see in the end, were several groups of people who had genuine physical problems, people who wanted to avoid physical training and people who had physical problems and wanted to avoid training. Those who wanted to avoid training tried to “keng” or bluff that they were not well or fit for physical duty. For those who “keng” they reflected poor characters. Of course what I found was, it reflected on me too, I was affected by those around me who were like that, so much that it rubbed off on me.

It’s what made me regret ending up where I was. I wished I never had that flaw, so that I would have had a different military life. That perhaps I would have had a stronger discipline with the different vocation. I wanted what was on the other side of the coin. I’ve become better in certain aspects, but horribly undisciplined, which I had to struggle to fix.

And so it is coming to an end, I’ve lived most of the slack life, and can’t change much about the work, and neither do I want to change anything now as it would amount to nothing much. The only the thing I can do, is work towards my future. Leaving behind an army life I’d rather have done differently, I can now focus on things I must get done.

Fulfill what I want to do for my life, studies, charity work, acting, physical training. The rest of the aspects I’ve not mentioned are pretty much alright right now, those that I’ve mentioned have yet to fulfilled. I guess that’s where I ask myself, “When will we get there?”

I am on that road, which is misted up, and I can’t see very far in front. It’s starting to get cold. And though I can’t see far, I must walk on.

I breathe deeply before the contemplation,
Of the many things that I can’t escape,
Of the thoughts the mind would weave,
Where much of which I’ve said,
Had been left unanswered.

Just a little insight to this plight,
Perhaps a hint of the truth,
Was all I’d ask,
So that my thoughts would not take flight,
Yet the silence was all I got.

All those around,
Well aware,
Yet they say nothing,
The silence was deafening,
What was their cause?

Standing before the jury,
Before the evidence of my pass,
The judgment was already made,
Cut down by their unforgiving stares,
Frozen hearts of ice.

Stepping forward and away from the cage,
Ignoring the cage of their judgment,
I am no merchant of emotion,
I have no heart of ice,
But neither do I punish others with silence.

The jury fades in the shadows,
They cry out,
The mute are no more,
They have no hold,
Their just forgotten shadows now.
-Finding one’s self.

Her cold breath

Looking around at the still grey,
Once again standing on that spot,
Unable to explain the reason for the cause,
I feel a sense of immense dismay.

A figure stands before me,
The curves fill the light,
Eyes covered by the shadows,
Her lips so red.

Leaping out from the darkness,
Arms wrapping around me,
Like a searing bolt of lighting,
I am star struck.

Lips against mine,
My eyes closed in the sweet sensation,
A dream of honey and wine,
Of a taste so divine.
-She’s a star

There was a sudden crash, people began to get excited, and I turned to see an old lady had fallen at the train door, I rushed forward and for one moment when one man reached there first, I stopped in hesitation.

The bell rang to signal the closing doors, her legs were still outside the train; I rushed to grab one of her arms as the other man helped her with the other. It was over. No one had even moved from their seats, they simply stirred to see what was happening. They did not even bother to help.

My hesitation, hit me deeply as I sat down in a seat, reflecting on that pause. It could have meant the difference between someone being seriously hurt and being saved. Why did I even hesitate? I believe in helping others, and I learnt so many times, that one must not wait for others to help, but help if one can.

Was I afraid of what others might think from my actions? Was that why I hesitated? Yes, my vanity made me pause, when it was something I should not have even thought about what others thought, but rather focusing on aiding the person in need. My vanity flaws my moral of helping without hesitation. Again I feel I failed, despite being able to help that person.

The crowd rushing by,
Standing to see the troubadours,
With their manners and satire,
Caring not of what others thought.

They played for a cause,
Instrumental chaos,
Pleasing the demure crowd,
Ignorant to their true purpose.

A table by the side,
Seated four,
The leaders of a cause,
Charity a noble goal.

Fatally doomed to be ignored,
Efforts flawed by the crowd,
The people see not,
They give not.
-Ignored cause

Rushing into the cool air of the shopping mall, it had been hot and I had been walking with a close female friend for quite a distance in the sun, the welcoming air brought a great relief. We had arrived to a crowd that surrounded a stage of musicians. A Jap rock band, Singaporeans they were, the lead singer could be singled out purely by his shoes, bright shiny leather shoes with pointed tips. Their makeup and hairstyles made them look feminine, accompanied by their petite builds, it made them look androgynous. Even my friend thought one of them was a girl.

They were preparing for the performance, ignoring the looks of the crowd, caring not about letting them wait. Making no gestures whatsoever on when it would start, or even acknowledging the crowd that waited attentively, eagerly. As the minutes went by, my friend and I had already gone from shop to shop, and people from each floor had gathered at the atrium looking down on the band that was about to perform.

Just as we were about to leave, the band began to play, my friend pulled me to see the performance. We were blocked by the endless crowd that surrounded the stage, so we moved to an empty area where we could have full view. To an area where a table was placed. There were signs and a newspaper cutting, and there sat four girls before a table filled with chocolates. And then, I realized the reason for the performance, these girls had brought together the entire event for charity. I felt awed by their effort, four girls who managed to start with an idea and make it into reality. But it hurt me terribly that no one even looked at their table, there was only a tiny donation can, and I looked around if people even donated.

I took out a note and placed it in the tin. It was money for a movie ticket, since I decided that my friend I would go for a run instead, since it allowed her to save her money, and I had no need for the money I had set aside. It would fit a better cause, and at least make the day of these four, and so I smiled, and they quickly offered bags of chocolates which I declined. Of course, they pursued my female friend and gave it to her instead.

It was a worthy cause, these four worked hard, unlike charitable organizations which hoarded money and squandered it for the wrong reasons. These were the few I would gladly donate to. So noble, so grand, yet terribly doomed to waste.

The society we live in, doesn’t appreciate such causes, and most people will not stir to help others. But rather they seem to prefer to be entertained by what happens. In a way, their speech never really went beyond the word “I”

An action without respite,
The words cut down to the core,
Hardened shells crack from the strikes,

The fallen pieces melt away.
Tear drops on the floor stain the way,
Leaving wounds bare.

Forgive his actions,
A penny wish away from bankruptcy,
For he was poor of wisdom.
-Foolish words