The clockwork mind

I hear the dead silence for that moment,
Before the clock strikes twelve,
As the gears begin to turn,
I look at the object in my hand.

The final card that has yet to be dealt.

The tick tocks of the clockwork,
As the twins of fate seem driven to meet,
I close my eyes,
And tilt my head slightly backwards.

It all ends with the sound of a click.
-Into the mind behind closed doors.

As I sit down here, I hear the music pouring from the speakers into the room, a score that makes me ponder about the side of a person who managed to create such a character.
The movie dark knight was outstanding, and something that took my breath away. The movie was truly a reflection of an extremely well created and acted character, the joker. To see the expressions and actions of the joker was amazing, Heath Ledger was amazing. I can only imagine what he faced in the room he stayed in a room for a month.

Can you imagine yourself being in a room for one month? To play the joker, the lengths he took to create his character, a culmination of dedication to his craft. Living alone in a hotel room for a month, he spent the time creating the joker’s manner, psyche, voice and posture. Slowly becoming the character, and keeping a diary where he recorded the thoughts and feelings of the character.

Heath Ledger used inspirations from a masterpiece called clockwork orange, another movie that I feel is truly amazing, something that combines ultra-violence and sex and morals with the most radical symbolism for its time. It is something that I think, those who are prepared for something that is radical for this country, should watch.

Like having a conversation with one’s self, reflecting and thinking about what it is like to think in such a manner, to feel such emotions, to be able to think like the joker, to act psychotic yet incredibly intelligent. The amount of brooding one would have to do, reflecting from multiple points of views, ranging from a scheming genius to a child like manner which takes pure joy in violence and destruction. I cannot only begin to peel off the layers slightly to even contemplate what must go through one’s mind. To even have a laugh so deep and scary that it would befit the joker.

Taking in all the expressions he used, the convincing act truly felt like the real deal, something I myself find is truly something that reminds me of how much I treasure acting. The craft itself, the manner, the skill required.

The plot within a plot was genius, he had the material that was something that kept me in awe, the way of thinking required to come up with such plans, to actually do such a thing, the mind of the joker, it makes me wonder if I could even reach such a level to perform a role such as that. I’ve always had a preference to acting as a villain, one who had a strong personality that is often unforgettable and will remain in the minds of the audience, to leave an impression that they were evil, or misunderstood, or perhaps both.
If I had to name two villains I would love to play, it would be Heath Ledger’s take on the joker or Jon Irenicus who is the main antagonist of “Baldur’s gate two shadows of Amn” (A Dungeons and dragons game which has the most storyline for a game I’ve played)

I’ve been in Canoe for 3 months now, and the daily grind of going to school, discussing with team mates who are often unmotivated to work,(To those who do work, I appreciate that you guys are there.) analyzing problems given daily that we must research and present on, and then training, either in the gym or in canoe. I go to school five days a week, train seven days of the week unless I take a day off to go and watch a movie or spend time with friends. Watching the joker on the screen, reminded me how much I miss acting.

I feel the call of the stage, I have not acted in such a long time. Can you imagine what it feels like to be on stage? To become the character you are given, to convince the audience you are truly that person, to have them understand and empathize or even fear your character. The emotion one feels from the character, the amount that you must draw from within to create that true expression, as if in that moment you believed you were that person, not only that, for that moment you didn’t exist, but that character.

That is something I greatly miss, and would like to return to eventually when time permits. At this current point, training seven days a week won’t lead to me returning to the stage. Of course, if I do return to the stage I hope to get a role that is truly worth the return, a role, a villain of which I could use my talent to shape and create and eventually become.

Tomorrow is the national canoe competition, something I have to go for the next two days. Of course, the day itself will also be the poker night I have been planning for weeks now, it makes or breaks several things, but overall I intend for it to be something worth the time of everyone who comes. I feel committed to canoe, but also feel the call of the stage, beckoning, the lights, the music, the mics, the makeup, the crowd.

The many words fill my head,
Like a thousand voices all at once,
Bearing down with tremendous pressure,
Of which there is no measure.

The shattered glass leaves a trail behind me.


Reach into the darkness,
And pull me back from the edge,
Before I fall,
Help me find that pill.

That pill that takes my pain away.
-Breaking out