Of things once broken

At a glance I saw what’s real,
I hope you’d listen to my appeal,
I’ve kept my lips closed with this seal,
Please stop time.

I wondered how much I would fare,
But I’ve held back for I did not dare,
As I worry for those whom I care,
Please don’t stare.

I fell to both knees in front of you,
I felt the grass beneath us two,
I wondered if you knew who,
What I had gone through.

A resonance.

Dizzy as I rested my head in your lap,
I left my writings laid bare,
Of the things I wanted to say and do,
Of the things I wrote.

I cried slowly.

I looked up and reached for your face,
Holding your hair that feels like lace,
As I was cradled in your grace,
Protected by your wings and comforted by your gaze.

All I wanted to do was to follow a path,
I never knew what fate I had cast,
The angels knew my draft,
That I’d never have enough.

Of you.

-Turn the lights off

The champagne bottle came ajar, from the top shelf of the wine fridge, as the bottles came crashing down, I reached out, catching what I could, and I caught almost all, except for one. The champagne bottle fell, and in my mind imagined it shattering into many pieces. It never broke, something else did. That something broke its fall, my littlest toe.

I had broken the bone in my little toe, and now I am once again on medical leave. Considering that the previous week I had a fever and I had been on medical leave for 4 days since the week before’s Monday, now I am on another 3 days since yesterday. I have yet to go to work for such a long time. I’ve never had so much sleep in my life, the energy is there, but the complications of my toe, doesn’t allow me to do that much. As I look out the window, at those who run by my house outside and I could not help but stop and stare. It’s been so long since I had a good run. I’ve lost so much weight due to being sick last week, so much that I increased the number of pull-ups I could do without training. For such a long time I had been stuck at twelve, now I am at fifteen, how astonishing to me it is. All this rest must be getting to me, and weight loss too.

Being stuck at home has been a bore, though I had a lot of time to work on my writings, plan my life and future, with the comfort of a twelve pack of light coke (I love light coke, it’s pretty much my favorite drink, not for the diet factor, but the taste and feeling, it makes me high!) I’ve become pretty restless. My close female friend visited me twice during this time, to keep me company, which I gratefully appreciate. A change of pace and someone to sit down and have dinner with, and with her ranting of her life to keep my day interesting. She also reminded me that I have not baked in a long time.

I realize I only bake when I am truly happy. I guess I’ve been alright, but I’ve not been satisfied with my life so far, only when I am truly contented, perhaps then I’ll bake once more. I do cook here and there, some pasta, some risotto, a baked fish, fried pork knuckles, it’s not that often that I cook though. The desire isn’t really there. I’m at the state where I am waiting for what I’ve planned out. Army doesn’t really put much purpose in and meaning to my life. Dota is not life, though its fun, it’s just that, its just entertainment. I want to feel achievement and purpose. Army will not have much impact on my future, and with it coming to a close, I am just waiting for the move, the transition which I’m wondering if I am ready for. Whether I am ready or not, I know I want it.

Well, till I’m contented, ginger bread men and peanut butter cookies will have to wait.

The moment of change feels so real, as much as my toe is really broken, I feel the change coming, the world slowing down in the last moments of this part of my life. This chapter is in its final paragraph, and the future plays I wish to do, the poems I am to write, the stories to conjure, the new chapter to begin. I’ve touched the parchment on which to write the next chapter, now is to prepare for its prologue. It makes me curious and excited about what I’ll get to learn and experience, the people whom I will get to meet and interact with. It feels so real, because it is.

I look through the tainted glass,
And see what has come to pass,
Of the commitments that never last,
Why did they end so fast?

Some choices were better than some,
Of all the things I wanted to say,
I wanted to feel,
At the end of tragedy.

I showed no mercy,
I sundered hearts with urgency,
To an extent of pure gluttony,
Was hurt the true currency?

And so the souls left broken,
In my wake I left then empty,
Only for them to return wanting,
I offer them no reprieve.

And when the shadows cast a cloth,
Covering the lights that are turned off,
Their tears dried like a dry cough,
There I find the revenge they sought.

I turn the lights off,
And close my eyes,
I let the glass fly,
And let myself come undone.
-A simple tragedy

Well the days where I left much broken souls in my wake is long past. I stare down at the shadows long cast, in the light, it casts one long shadow. I found that the past haunts are nothing to worry about anymore. The ghosts have given up, though perhaps not forgiven. I wonder if eventually the spirits will be laid to rest.

Was I wrong to be what I was last time? I lived my life, I betrayed no one, and I just lived it. Was that so wrong? And being true to myself, not lying to myself, and not to the other person who I was with, was that wrong? I questioned it several times myself, and each time, I knew that it wasn’t, I would never experienced what I have had if I did not. In which it makes culminates to what I am, for to me also learn what is it in life that I want. Would you know what you want straight away? I know I did not, I had to try, I had to see, I had to learn, I had to explore and experience.

Still, I can’t help how some people have reacted to ending of a relationship. As much as some people found it hard to let go, they turned to blame the other person. No matter how amiable or appropriate the circumstances. I guess some people will always victimize themselves, and in order to do it, they have to villanize someone, and I guess I had to be that one. So much for being their superman, now I am their Lex Luther.

The difference between them blaming me, and me not blaming them for anything, I believe in myself.



The journey seems so perilous,
I’ve reached the end of the Sabbath,
Surrounded from tyrants all around,
I create my path in this requiem of dreams.

Treading in this icy water,
Numbing the cold silence,
The waves hitting me gently,
As I close my eyes and see the dagger.

I cut my way through my demons,
To the summit of my destiny,
Where the angel of mercy resides,
The moment a coup de ceour.

Reaching for her,
I take her into my arms,
Spreading my wings,
Believing in myself.
-Believing in myself.

Temperature Rising

Holding onto the feelings as I kneel on the ground,
Knowing that if things need be I’d apologize,
Before it’s too late.

Taking in all the words in a blinding heartbeat,
I hear the sirens blaring constantly,
I can’t make a sound.

Drifting away from the narrow lines,
I hear the cracks beneath the ice,
I breathe deep.

As I turn around,
The lights flash across the river,
The temperature is rising.
-Temperature Rising


I had fever a few days ago, and it was the most draining thing, 3 days on and off high fever where I had two distinct dreams. Today being the first day my head is clear, I spent the day recollecting, and reflecting about my dreams and I guess I felt like writing. In one of those dreams, I dreamt about meeting a group I met a long time ago who were biased against me before they even got to know me, due to someone bad mouthing me:


The jury passed its judgement long before the evidence was presented. It was too late, I did not need to say another word, or even apologize for being who I was. I turned to look at them with my hurt eyes; they did not acknowledge it the slightest bit. It was as if they were cutting me down with their cold stares.

Words of another about you can often crack the thin ice that everyone starts with when making new friends. People often make their judgements about a person early, and stick with that judgement. A prejudice, especially when someone else tells them something about the other. Positive comments help a bit, but negative comments often break the ice that everyone treads when meeting for the first time.

Those were the times in the past, I remember about such things, I have a personality that can make enemies without me knowing. Because often, those who don’t like me are quite two-faced, wearing masks in front of me, pretending to like me, acting as a friend towards me, but behind my back revealing their true dislike for me. These to me are the worst people I meet, but I’ve come to accept it as part of life. There will always be two-faced people, and I know there are people out there who I’d not like but not show it, and there are a few who I warn people about, from my various experiences with them. Thus, it can’t be blamed, we all work that way right? Some people may not like me, I may not like them, all of those who I’ve warned about are generally those with low EQ, not that I have high EQ myself, but I guess and hope I have relatively decent EQ. I think I’ve gotten better as I’ve gotten older, learning what are traits I posses that should be toned down or featured less except on certain occasions (I rather not talk about that today, perhaps another)

Another dream I had was about a time I had to say goodbye to a close friend who passed away a long time ago. Here is a poem I wrote a long while ago, as a tribute to him.


As I heard the music of the funeral band,
I reached out for her hand,
Only to stumble and be lost.

As the first drop came,
An endless pour,
Caught in a world of endless doors,
I began to cry,
And then a hand grasped mine.

I was out of my daze,
And I was met with many a gaze,
I heard the speech of praise,
From a priest of heavenly grace,

The hearts had been bled,
The tears were shed,
At the end of everything said,
I said my goodbye as I cried in my bed.

- Goodbye

When I wrote that poem, I felt every word bleed out from my heart, along with my tears, it is something I will never forget. He was young, and his death struck a loss in my heart, and it showed me the mortality in the world we all live in. Death can come at any time, to anyone. For him it was too early, and I know that no matter what I do, I can’t make a difference. It makes me feel so weak. I can’t change the past, I can’t change death.

What I can do, is make a difference in the lives of others who are still there. The very people I can reach out to, those whose lives I can still affect. That’s why, I intend to go far in life, achieve my goals and reach out to those who need help. With my very effort and money, I will directly help, and not with some organization that takes the money, stuffs it in a bank and takes out a fraction of the money to use to help people. Donating to a charity is like paying someone else to care for another, it’s so easy to pay, but are you truly affecting another person’s life?

Everyone has a limited time on this world, but it doesn’t mean they have to suffer. For those who are better off, more fortunate, they should reach out to help someone. Even just one person, it would make a difference. When someone who is blind who needs help to get somewhere, an elderly who needs help to carry something up a flight of stairs, teaching English to underprivileged children, when someone has fallen down, all these acts of charity make a big difference in their lives, even if it may seem small, it meant that there was someone there to offer aid, support, help. Although it may seem like one small act, you should remember, that every act is important because it affects the person you’re helping. Remember that every person you help has feelings too and, how much joy or ease you bring to their lives when you help them. I guess that’s why I help, I want to make a difference, and I want to affect people’s lives in a positive manner, even if it may bring a perceived inconvenience, I find that its better to help the person in need. Don’t donate to an organization where volunteers reach out for you, reach out with your very own hands.

From everything that is given,
Of the trust emplaced upon,
I cross the line once again,
Pushing you wayward.

Sometimes I find things ajar.

Broken glasses across the floor,
Scented candles lay beside me,
The wind rushing through my hair,
On my shirt there is a tear.

Wearing the past long torn.

Memories of times of lust,
Long since the dream’s bust.

Of the times I’ve felt guilty,
Fallen into a place,
Where you cannot follow me,
I close my eyes and pray.

Please let me stay.
-Calm

When I write

Where the words have fallen,
Of the thoughts left separated,
I hear her voice in my head,
The image replayed a thousand times.


The odds are stacked.

Faded into the shadows,
Memories of the dream,
Winds of fate had blown past,
Leaving a void so vast.

Hallowed dreams.

The importance is long forgotten,
Yet secondary to none,
I reach for the shadow,
Why have I lost it?

A troubled soul.

A being I had left sundered,
Dreams of which I had plundered,
Broken,
Ethereal.

Nobody sees her.

I reach my hand out,
To undo my faults,
To untie the knots,
To break the chains.

To set her free.
-Free

“Where we stand”

It was late, I had taken a ride from a friend who dropped me off at a place that was further from the destination that we started from. I felt slightly sore about the choice I had made about following his car, in a hope of getting home faster, and where I got off, had no bus to my place. So I had a good ten minutes walk to the bus stop that I needed to go to. I had just begun to discuss over the phone with my friend over some important topics.

Across the road there was a man in dark glasses walking with a stick, as I crossed it, I saw he was about to cross and he was rather hesitant, and so I asked him if he needed help. The man was blind.

Ending the conversation with my friend, I forgot about my bus, though there was a slight feeling of being late scratching at me, I knew that the man needed help, and I was there, and one should never wait for another person to help a person in need. Many people suffer from the inactions of others.

And so I stretched my arm forward when he reached out. And so he explained to me where he needed to go. He had to cross the road to take a bus, so I took him across to the bus stop, and just as I was about to leave him there after helping him, I saw him asking blindly at the bus stop for someone to help him with looking out for the bus. I saw the people at the stop simply stare at him, without uttering a single word, they simply look frightened. So I turned back to tell the people of his condition, and the bus he needed to take. Immediately, two girls agreed to help, I could see their uncertainty over the whole situation before I stepped in to tell them.

Most people don’t know how to react, and often they are often frozen in their actions. Leaving the man in their care, I proceeded to cross the road again, realizing that I had increased my walk from 10 minutes to fifteen. Despite the increase in the distance, I felt that I rather walk the fifteen than let the man suffer the danger of crossing the road since he was blind, and I shuddered to think that he was all alone, traveling around, in a world where people were often apprehensive and reluctant to help, he was willing to take a chance that there will be people to aid him.

As I walked to the bus stop, I thought about my helping the man, the short conversation we had, I had introduced myself, and the silliest thing I did was point at where we had to go, when he could not see. I felt stupid, but I realized that I was inexperienced with helping a blind person, and I could only imagine how stupid I looked when I talked to the blind man and pointed at things at the same time. Who was going to see but me and the rest of people? While the intended person could not.

His trust in me, was strong, as he gripped my arm firmly and followed my every step, not hesitating when I brought him along. It was quite a distance to take him, it was a pity I’d never get to know him any further. And would he remember me? I don’t think so, maybe he’ll remember someone helped him across the road to the bus stop, but will he recognize me? The voice of that person? I did give him my name, but then that was it, in the world we live in, despite how small it might be, is vast enough. I don’t think I’d every get a chance to know that person, to know more of his world. A world without vision, but heightened sense of hearing, taste and touch.

I wish I could have gotten his contact, and perhaps learn about his experiences. It is a world that I would never want to experience, but it’s something I’d like to learn more about, so that I might understand them better in order to help them more.



“Competition”

As the sun bore down on me, as I looked up at the sky, the heat warmed me greatly, the feeling of where I was, reminding me that there was much to do in my life, many plans still left incomplete. At the poolside, a friend asks me to race across to the other side. The challenge reminded me of when I was younger, when I would be the one challenging. Here I was, being challenged, and so off we went. I won that race, like many that I have done, but then again, there was always someone who was better, so most of the people I raced were not better to begin with. If it was a large competition with many competitors, I’d usually end up second.

Why second?

As I ask myself that question, and now that I write it out, I feel that I commit much of my mind to the task, but at the last moment, there would usually be a slight doubt, even if it was just for a split second, it often would cost me the win, and I end up second. I could say, I’m quite used to second place by now.

So when do I get first? Usually when the actual no.1 isn’t there. So every victory in that event or sport, when I am the first, I feel that it’s not worth the win because I never competed against the best.

If only there was never a sense of doubt. I know I can control my feelings a lot, and remain calm, but a small slight insecurity tends to creep up especially against an opponent who is stronger, many of which will never sense and I can still win, but those that do, capitalize on it, and those tend to be the ones who rise to the top.

Defeat your opponent not only through your strength, but also through his weakness. That’s how I compete, I analyze my opponents, or the people I compete with.

And there I was, after that race, on the other side of the pool, my friend wanted to race again, but I was tired, and I would rather reflect about what I was thinking about during that race. I was not thinking of winning it, which was I usually thought of most of the time during competitions, but rather about the past and how I was like then, so much went through my mind as I swam.

And for a while I realized the most important thing, the thing that causes the moment of doubt, when I was serious, I never really enjoyed what I was doing, and I’d become too critical of my actions, and others, thus when the slightest mistake occurs, it creates a snowball effect which I often can never get out of. I normally never let that happen, but against the best, its never smooth sailing, the true test I guess, is to get back from the losing end.

That’s something I’m very weak at. It’s easy to dominate an opponent, but to turn being dominated to becoming the winner is probably the hardest thing. Something I must learn, and not be over critical about what I do, and remember that I am not simply just there to win, but to enjoy myself, and do well.

And so here I sit, the evening after the race, thinking about my reflections and realizing more about how I live my life. It is important to see the direction I am headed, and not fall short of what I am doing. Enough of being second, in fact, its time to stop thinking of me ending up as second, and getting the task done.

Perhaps I have fallen short, but training myself to overcome a situation when the odds are stacked will make me much stronger. Of which I can apply to my life.

As I reach out to feel the silver wings,
I seek to fine out the divine plans,
Holding onto what is most precious,
Knowing that nothing more can be true.

Of the hope.

It is through her eyes I am seeing through,
A reflection of the time spent,
Having faith in the both of us,
For our choices in life are for two.

Life is so brittle.

So many paths to choose,
With so much left to lose,
Our fate is such a fragile thing,
Which needs special handling.

Of the things I’ve put you through.
-Silver wings.