Beyond the twenty


As the air begins to thin,
I find myself breathing harder,
The light gets blocked by the clouds of mediocre,
It’s getting hard to think about the future.

A droplet falls downwards in this endless drop.

Where will it be in the day after tomorrow?
I can only tell you what’s happening to it today,
I can tell you what happened to it before,
But I can’t tell you when you are gone.

All I can do is reach upwards,
And sing the song,
With you as long as your close to me,
Knowing that it will end,

Searching for that moment secretly,
That moment when you are gone.
-That moment

“Have you heard how in falling we are given wings?” This was a letter written to me a long time ago. When I look back at part of my past that I could not bear to look at out of guilt, I realized how much I’ve held onto for the longest time, and tried to ignore.

It was many years ago, when that letter was written to me, and the person who wrote it to me, had so much more feeling and meaningful words than ever spoken to me than when I knew person for an entire year. At the time I got the letter, I had hardened my heart and chose not to look back, and thus the letter did not get through, but years later, after looking at it I do realize how much that person felt, even more strongly than I understood many years ago.

And this is the moment I realize that some time after passing twenty, I had grown emotionally to an extent that I never realized, I look back at myself and understand why I did those things, but I neither condemn nor condone it, it was a learning experience and a memory to keep for life. And my stage of life, it is time not to pretend or to be ignorant to the truth.

The poem that I wrote with a close friend of mine regarding some of these pent up feelings was titled contemplation of condemnation. It contains a reflection of myself written four years ago.



Amoung the clouds of golden rain upon shadow and pain,
contemplation of the insane,
pondering about the place of dust and rust,
and of hearts I've sundered, hopes and dream I've plundered.

Deny the indifference stilled by grief,
restrain, unbecoming, a voiceless faceless fear,
measured so modestly, and lithe,
the dearth of a virtue so severe.

Each action driven by desire,
although an innocent love,
yet a consequence of lust,
rise into decadence and fallen into silence.

I rise as conscience wills only to serve,
the truth of my guilt is lie,
vainity is the temperament of worth,
as strife holds a grace fated to die.

Dreams of gold and words untold,
of tears that were shed and hearts that have been bled,
uncrossed paths and broken hearts,
desire a condition, control a mere reminisince.

In a past that could be,
of a man you could be,
have you no remorse, no feeling?
am I thus hateful, so steeped in ambiguity?

Tis a shade of grey.
Nay, a conflict of white and black.
perhaps to wish for nothing more, that is all I ask.
Yet so much more, I hunger and desire for.
All I pray if you may is to hold you at bay.
for I am naught, the sorrow of the end.
-Contemplation of condemnation

I understand the poem written long ago even more, how much guilt I had in myself, that I keep within myself until now. Do I have regrets? No I don’t, its part of my experiences and memories that live to make me who I am now, if I did not experience what I experienced I may not be the person who I am now.

To be honest, every time I’ve run into the person who wrote me this letter my heart burns deep, and I begin to panic, though I never truly show it. I just continue smiling and pretend nothing was happening, even when we locked eyes for a moment. I always thought it was some unexplainable fear that I had, which I rarely felt except in extreme situations where I have no control of. But it wasn’t fear, it was guilt, deep burning guilt that struck me hard every time I was near that person.

After so many years, I’ve yet to actually to make amends for what happened. It wasn’t because of cheating or betrayal, but it was guilt over making someone so hurt and not parting on the best terms. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting and feel that its about time to apologize, no matter how much time has been spent apart. I believe making the point to make amends to rebuild a bridge that was once burnt will make a difference even if it fails, because at the end of the day, at least the other person knows that I am sorry by trying to make amends.


The only question is, how do you fix something that has been left for years? Of course there is a hope that the person is more receptive to such an apology or attempt to make amends and have long gotten over it. I can only hope that the person can see I’ve changed and that I truly want to make amends and nothing else, I wish to end the animosity and hurt that the person may feel towards me, if they still have it.

I remember the verve of the moment,
Of the times I’ve spent reflecting its end,
And realized that it was a piece left uncompleted,
It was a duet that I failed to finish properly,
Leaving my partner in tears,
That has long since dried up.

I’ve contemplated my condemnation.

Choices in life we make,
To leave things behind,
But at the end of the day,
A responsibility,
Something left owed,
Something to be repaid,
Not an empty portrait,
But rather a memory to remember.
-Dried tears.